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Can you please give me your advice? Please..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Wantsuki12, Mar 15, 2015.

  1. Wantsuki12

    Wantsuki12 Guest

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    Hello everyone, please read quick through and give an opinion if you have one, anyones advice helps me a lot.

    I'm an 18 year old guy and I think I suffer from OCD. I had quite a messed up childhood and school experience and I think it has just caused my mind to constantly analyze everything in my life and cause a lot of stress.

    Anyway, I always believed I was straight growing up. I had always had a lot of crushes on girls, all the pretty ones in every grade growing up I just wanted to be near and touch them, and had feelings for girls in my heart that have never been matched by anything. I always felt rejected by them and insecure growing up when competing with the other guys, always thinking they had something that I didn't, and it just made me have a shitty school experience.

    I always fantasized about women growing up, through all my years, getting erections from naked women in movies, magazines, etc, and always just wanted a girlfriend so bad, but always felt like I didn't have what it takes. Worried a while that my penis was too small, but its not at all its actually big but my stressing always makes me think of problems that I dont have, being inadequate with masculinity. I kept from being intimate with my first girlfriend just cause I was insecure even though I wanted to do things, and I also always got erections while kissing her, having her sit on my lap, etc.

    But here I am, and I am struggling with my sexuality now for a year. I've never had a crush on a guy, never entertained the thought of being with one because that's just not who I am, not who I ever thought I was, and definetly not what I thought I'd be before I started struggling with my sexuality.

    I get aroused by all porn, lesbian, straight, and gay. The feeling of being aroused by gay porn disgusts me, not that its gross and I dont mean offense, but it disgusts me because that is not who I feel like I am or something I feel like doing. I can get aroused by gay porn, although I don't ever feel the desire to watch it. I started testing myself because I got to thinking one day from my OCD type of thinking that watching gay porn would mean I'm gay, so let's see if I get aroused by it, and I did.

    I also can get aroused by seeing a man masturbate, but only sometimes, which confuses me even more. But it has to be a guy that someone would say is really good looking. It's like I have to be in the right kind of mindset in order to get aroused by different things and I think I know what causes it, so let me hear what you think...

    I know I get aroused by these sexual things with guys, I'm not denying that, but I know it's not because I want to do these things, but I feel like it is something psychological. I don't get aroused by any naked pictures of guys, I can scroll through tons of pictures of naked men and not be turned on. But as soon as a gif pops up of a guy masturbating or gay sex it turns me on, which doesnt make sense. And these men need to be very attractive, there is always something about them that I am envious about, either their muscles, looks, or penis length that I wish I had, and I think it might transfer over sexually. And the only time I go to these websites with naked men is when I want to test myself to see if I have a reaction, not because I have a desire to see them. And the whole while even if I get aroused, I don't feel like I am actually aroused by the person themselves, but the sexual energy from it, idk its hard to explain, maybe thats why pictures do nothing for me. Although nude pictures of girls turn me on a lot.

    The only time I get aroused by them though is when I get into the OCD stress and feel emasculated. I have days when I feel manly and confident and attractive and go to work and check out girls, get horny from them, flirt, see naked women and get aroused, see lesbian porn and get aroused, see naked women in movies, become aroused, and it all feels so good and so right, and I wish everyday went so smooth and so right like it always had been. Even today, a cute girl stood really close in front of me with her ass almost on me because we were waiting for someone to walk through the hallway, and it turned me on a lot and I got a semi hardon.

    Then on other days, there are times when I look at myself in the mirror and feel like shit and insecure and go into public and don't even try to look at girls because I feel like they have no desire for me anyway, and then just cant help but notice other guys who I think may be better looking than me, then that makes me envious of them and that causes me to then think, wait, im looking at this guy and he looks good i wonder if I must be attracted to him and want to have sex with him, thats when I wind up testing myself and becoming even more depressed and separated from who I am like I am my own stranger.

    The bottom line is, I don't want these stressful thoughts in my life anymore. I don't want any confusion about this anymore, because I know I would never want to be in a relationship with a guy, but then these arousals can come from things considered gay and it makes me upset and depressed.

    So what do you guys think? Please don't tell my I'm gay and need to come to terms with it. I know for a fact that I am not gay just because I know how it felt before I stressed about these things, when I focused on women and the feeling I got in my stomach from seeing a beautiful woman walk into the room and the thought of possibly being with her, the thought of brushing her hair behind her ear and kissing her, it was such a great feeling I had, and makes me upset to think I can't have that simple state of mind anymore. I know if I were to "accept being gay" that I would be missing out on what I really feel would be true happiness and wholeness for me.

    So do you have any reasons or any similar situations that could explain what I'm going through? Thanks so much if you read all of this, I'm just in a dark place and need advice.
     
  2. Fromshop

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    I just posted myself on this forum with a pretty similar thing. I've had a girlfriend who I loved to have sex with. Just thinking about her could get me aroused and still does.

    And now I'm with a guy. Who I think is great but the sex is 'meh'. I think I went a step further than you in the experimenting part. I know the dark place very well. Don't be afraid. It's clear from what you write that you are into girls. If you don't fantasize about guys in a sexual way but only get excited about gay porn with good looking men it's just something you get excited from. It doesn't mean you are gay. Even though I'm with a guy, I still don't classify myself as gay. I find men's bodies very attractive, but not in a sexual way. You have time to figure these things out.

    Sexuality is a spectrum, a line. It's not I am either this or that. It's always something in between with most people. Just do what feels natural and try not to stress to much about it. I know the stressful thoughts and the confusion. They can be so annoying and they can wear you out. You can never be in relationship with a guy you say, so why stress. Go for girls and try and be confident. Someone will love you for who you are. And if, in time, you change your mind, that's okay too. Be you.
     
  3. JooBooGoo

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    From the information given, it sounds like you could possibly suffer from HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). What that is is constantly worrying about being possibly having a sexual orientation that may or may not actually be your own.
    Now that said most people, especially those that grew up in conservative environment may worry about being gay/lesbian when in reality they are actually straight, so I could be wrong.
    Here are a few links to OCD and HOCD support groups so you can chat with someone who knows more about this subject, because I'm not very well educated on this subject.

    Gay OCD / HOCD Test - OCD Center of Los Angeles

    Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia Support

    Now that also said, I'm going to deny your request and say there is also a possibility that you are bisexual. I would look back at your childhood, do you have a history of also being physically/emotionally attracted to guys as well as girls?
    And one last thing there are lots LGBT+ people that live fulfilling lives, so don't fret if you do turn out to be gay/bi!
    I hope this helps! =)

    Edit: Anyone reading this, if I got any of the terms wrong, could you please correct me because I wrote this in a hurry.
     
    #3 JooBooGoo, Mar 16, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015