I feel lost. This is the only place I know where I could maybe get advice.

I used to be with a girl for 5 years. (I'm a guy.) It was a relationship with a lot of shortcomings but there were times we loved each other very much. One thing for me that was always great was the sex. I loved having sex with her and got excited just thinking about her. We broke up and I was devastated.

On a side note. I have always felt a sort of attraction to guys. I love male bodies. I think guys can be absolutely gorgeous. I sometimes fantasized about having sex with a guy and the pornography I watched was always a mix of gay and heterosexual sex. When I was in a relationship with my girlfriend I never watched gay porn or fantasized about guys. I never felt sexually attracted to anyone close to me though. My girlfriend at the time, one of the most beautiful women I have seen, was the only one who really did it for me.

A year after we broke up I met a guy. Let's call him J. The first night we talked we spent all night swapping stories and we fell asleep in each others arms. He fell in love with me (he's gay) but I felt reserved. I don't know if I was scared or it just didn't feel right. Shortly after I met him we saw each other frequently. I would stay over, we would talk, laugh and have sex. The sex was good. I never had a problem to get excited but it felt different. All the boxes were ticked except for the one that says "Wow, this is great." My feelings stayed the same, and I couldn't fully commit myself to the 'relationship'.

This was also because I still had hope of getting back together with my ex. I knew she was debating getting back together with her and I wanted to give us another chance. We got back together (the guy was pretty devastated, but I was always honest about my feelings towards him) and it was ... well ... not good. The sex was still great. I still felt superattracted to her and I wanted to be with here sexually. But I didn't want to 'be' with her. We were on a trip, the both of us, and I felt lonely. I couldn't talk to her and I missed the talks I had with J. Shortly after we broke up and I haven't looked back since.

I felt the time was right to try and go for it with J. Although I still had doubts I missed him and the connection I had with him a lot. He triggered me in so many ways. Intellectually, emotionally. I feel like I can tell him anything. In the bedroom we have our moments. But there were times I felt really bad in there. And sometimes after sex I could feel so out of sorts. Not because it was bad. Because it didn't feel like me. The image I had of myself, a semi-masculine guy with a healthy sex appetite and who wanted to feel happy didn't match with what I was in the bedroom. I never told my parents, although some family and friends knew. I felt I didn't want to tell them until I was absolutely sure.

We were together for a year. Sex always kinda happened. But I almost never initiated and it was driving me crazy. I broke up with him 6 months ago mostly because I didn't long for him sexually. The first month or so after the breakup I felt pretty good. But after that I started missing him. More and more. I hated not having him in my life. Not talking to him anymore. Not playing sports with him anymore. Not falling asleep next to him anymore. And slowly but surely, I started missing not having sex with him anymore. I could get excited thinking about him.

Yesterday we got to a point where I had to decide wether to go for it or not. I told my parents I thought I had feelings for a guy but was really confused about it. That nothing felt right. Telling them was an important step. I felt I could let my anxiety go after I told them. That I could fully commit.
After talking to him on the phone I jumped in my car and drove to his house. In the car I fantasized of having sex with him and sleeping with him that night. Up until I saw him I didn't know what I was going to decide. When he stood in front of me I said "Yes, let's go for it. I'm gonna try and give you my all." We kissed, I felt excited. We talked, like we used to. It was great. We went to the bedroom. Had sex. And all that excitement I had kinda went away. The act itself was good. But I expected to be fulfilled. To get the confirmation that this was going to be good for the rest of my life. I didn't get that confirmation. After the sex, I had a supercrappy night even though I was lying next to him. He seemed so happy. I felt happy. It felt so comfortable and when he kissed me I could feel my knees go weak.

And here I am. Sitting behind my PC with tears in my eyes. Feeling like a trainwreck. I am second guessing myself. Did I make the right decision? I feel super scared. I know that when I'll see him we'll have fun. We'll love each other. We'll make good decisions and he'll be one of the best spouses I could imagine. But how can I turn this feeling. That I'm dying inside. Scared of the future. Of never feeling totally fulfilled. Is it all in my head?

These questions never came up when I was with my ex. In hindsight we had a crappy relationship, much worse than the one I have now with J. But isn't it supposed to feel better.
What the hell am I?

 

Wow. That comment hit hard. I know I haven't been a great person to him. I'm trying to make it work with him. I want to be a better person, not only for myself, but also for him. I do fear I have internalised homophobia. And I want to get rid of it. Can you maybe recommend a strategy to get over this?