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So who am I?!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mindthegap, Mar 16, 2015.

  1. mindthegap

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    Hey all, as I have already told you in The Welcome Lounge, I have some pretty long talk and it would be awesome if anybody could give me your thoughts on my situation. Maybe someone have the same/similar experience and you will be able to see my "symptoms" and help me whether I might or might not be a lesbian. I talked about it with my cousin and it went well, it is great to know that, if needed, I have that family support, but she didn't really helped me with my confusion.
    So before I start about my feelings, maybe it would be useful to know in what environment I grew up. It is a very small town, where everybody knows all and everything. During growing up I did not know that there are homosexual people, all I could see as a child were parents (mother and daughter) with children. So this was just to give you background to my story, I'd like to give you as much details as I possibly can, so it would be easier for you to help me. So sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, here we go :slight_smile:
    So as I said, since childhood I never thought of being someone else, I thought that when I grow up I will have a boy, then get married and have children so my parents will have grandchildren. I liked some boys when I was in primary school and high school. But thining about it backwards, I think I liked boys because I was "suppossed" to like them. If I liked a boy, it was mostly because of what they were good at. For example, during high school I liked a boy who played floorball and at the same time he was writing for the school newspaper. And I liked floorball so I was like, yeah, it would be good if I would get to know him, then I could join the floorball team too! But I never thought of boys in more than friends level, I wasn't interested in dating them. I never had any sexual fantasies with boy and in my country we finish high school at the age of 18 so I guess it is about the time to have some sexual experience. But not for me. I was always saying I did not find the right one, and I can't date because I just don't have time for a boyfriend. But in high school I always found time for my best friend - girl. We spent together like at least two hours everyday after school. I felt with her that I can be me, that she really understands me. I remember we once went for a bike ride and she told me that it would be great if I was a boy, so we could date. I told her the same, I agreed that it would be amazing to have somebody like that in my life, except I didn't really want to turn her into a boy :icon_redf eventhough I did not realise at the time that there are things like two girls/two boys relationships. All I can say is that I always wanted her just for myself. I remember how jealous I got when somebody wanted to join us when we went somewhere together. No matter if it was a girl or a guy, I was terribly jealous it won't be just us two...
    After high school we both went to uni, but we were apart, both on the other side of the republic so we did not see each other that often. When I was in uni, there were again boys, but all I could tell was - yes, he is handsome, but I did not feel anything sexual. I just wanted to spend a little time with them because there was a boy who was runner as I am, or the other boy who was working out in a gym. So I was friends with them and I spent time with them but only during our classes, I did not want to be with them outside classes, I didn't miss their company at all. Once I felt close to a man, we talked a lot, but it was mostly online talking. He was my triathlon coach so I thought that it would be great to be with him so I could have a sparring partner for my training sessions. But again, I don't think I felt any sexual connection to him. When I first thought of dating someone, it was a woman - my coach' girlfriend :icon_redf At the time of realising I might like her more than him (I liked him as my coach, but I liked her, really liked her) I still did not know anything about lesbians or this stuff. I just kind of liked her. But a little later, I found The L Word. It all felt so easy and good to watch. So after that, I noticed more women while in uni. Even my teacher. And yeah, there were also men I liked, but again, nothing sexual. Maybe there were a little romantic feelings, but I kinda think it was because all my friends around me had boyfriends, they were getting married or were having babies. And I felt lie an outsider. Then my mum got sick - stomach cancer - I was taking care of her the best I could at the time. And I just burried all my feelings inside of me. If I was telling I don't have time for boys before, now I really didn't have that time. Year later, I was 21 here, my mum died. I was introvert growing up (until I was with good friends, like that best friend from high school) but after my mum died, it got worse. I wa barely talking to anyone, not going anywhere. So my feelings were somewhere deep inside of me.
    Now I'm 24. After uni I spent a year in Denmark, then moved to London. In London I started to feel pretty confident and outgoing. I found a good friend there (girl). And then there were few boys I met. I talked to them, just talking was okay. But as soon as I realised they would like to be more than friends I panicked and never talked to them again. I felt like the worst person, it hurt oe of them pretty bad. But I just couldn't see myself going on a date with a boy. But when a friend (girl from my work) asked me out to go to Starbucks and for a walk, to talk, everything was okay and I went without hesitating. After my stay in London, I got back home. And I came over TV show Pretty Little Liars. Well, Emily, if you watched the show, I don't need to explain more. After this one show, my feelings got on the surface again (in December 2014). Since that December, I watched The L Word, Lost Girl, Faking It. Basically TV shows with lesbians. And it all felt so natural and nice to me. But I was lie, hey, it's just a TV show, but then I came accross youtubers (couples but also individuals), mostly gay girls and it felt so good to watch them. Right now, I'm wondering if I could just talk myself into all of this, on the basis of TV shows/youtubers or it only uncovered my true self.
    So is it possible to tal yourself into being someone else? Because I just don't know if I try to convince myself into being lesbian or I try to talk myself into being "normal". One minute I think I am into girls, becaude I would definitely date a girl, women are so beautiful, I can have that connection with them. If going down there on someone, it would be a woman (because men just scare the hell out of me, I don't want a penis be anywhere around me - in a sexual way (sorry guys, I don't want to be rude or something, I just don't like it sexually!. It's not like I have a childhood trauma, in my parents' house we had bath and toilet together in one room so it was natural for me to take a shower if someone was there - whether mum or dad - or vice versa). And another minute I think I am straight (but I'm scared it's because of the expectations people around me have - lie when an old next door neighbour asks you when are you going to get married and have children so my dad can have grandchildren...doesn't help at all.
    Last weeks I try to go out among people as much as I can. I noticed that when I was handing money to the cashier (woman) in a shop that if we accidentally touched with fingers, I felt some energy going through my fingers. I also went out with that best friend from high school, for a drink. As our meeting was coming to an end, I had that ideas how I walk her home so she doesn't go alone any maybe we could spend some more time together. I even told her that I might be a lesbian. She was supportive if this is really a case but she questioned me because of boys I liked in high school. But I didn't tell her about my jealousy, so she doesn't know everything. And one more thing - she has boyfriend now. And whenever she tells me what he did, I think how stupid he is and how would I do that differently and I would never do this or that...
    Well, so what do you think about this? Because I really can't think clearly anymore...

    P.S.: When reading it again after me, this post just screams "You are sooooo gaaaaay!" Or doesn't it? Maybe I just have my lesbian moment right now, so everything seems gay. I will rather wait for your opinions...well, if somebody got to the end :icon_bigg
     
  2. Emily1

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    I think you are definitely gay and I say that not only because most of your actions/feelings prove it to be true but because of how defensive you get after every time you say you might be straight. It seems pretty clear that you know you're not straight. Of course there is the possibility of you being bi, however I do not think that is the case. Have you experimented with any girls? I think that would help to clear your confusion.
     
  3. mindthegap

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    Well, in my case it is months of questioning if I really can be gay. I kinda feel I'm not straight, because I guess, as straight, I wouldn't be thinking about girls so much. My biggest quetion is, if I could talk myself into being gay or it just got on surface with those TV shows and youtube, that I just found what I really like...Thank you for your reply, I didn't realise that defensive part of my post. I guess it was a good idea to write it down for others to see something I can't. And about experimenting with girls, I didn't do anything. I guess sometimes I just overthink everything. But if I feel so awkward when thinking about going on a date with a guy, maybe I should just try and go on a date with a girl. So thanks again :slight_smile:
     
    #3 mindthegap, Mar 16, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  4. africanFlower

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    wow this is exactly how i feel, its cary that someone is going through the exact same thing 0.0 lol. i too completely shut a guy off when they start showing interest 'cause it makes me feel uncomfortable and i too feel like i am convincing myself to like girls at times so i always have to sorta step back and evaluate why i am feeling a certain way. lol i remember watching the l word too. i am not a fan of series but i finished the l word so fast lol and i recall discovering it through youtube. see, i was meant to be working but instead i was looking up lesbian couples then i bumped into whitney mixter (have had a crush on her ever since haha) then i checked the real l word then moved on to the l word. ever since then i hv been discovering more lesbian couples and they are literally all i watch. i spoke to my sister about it and luckily she is open minded about it . but i just feel like so much has changed after my discovery nd i am still learning to understand myself and what i want. really all i can think to say after my two cents worth of writing is dont rush to come to a conclusion nd dont feel pressured to come out before you are willing to do so yourself. not much advice i can give you because im also facing the same problem but i would ASSUME from your story that you MAY not be entirely straight..
     
  5. cloudberry

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    I can relate to this so much! I watched all seasons of the l word on youtube when I was younger (it definitely wasn't for the good writing though, haha). Since then I've kind of obsessively watched every lesbian TV show I could find (most recently Lost Girl... Anna Silk is amazing!) as well as watching a lot of lesbian youtubers. Sometimes I also wonder if watching these things just made me WANT to be gay, or if I started watching them because I actually am into girls. It's kind of like the chicken or the egg question I guess... I don't know, is it really possible to be straight and so obsessed with lesbians?

    I don't really have any great advice for you as I'm pretty confused myself, but from what you said in your post it doesn't really sound like you're very interested in guys, so I don't really see any real reason for you to date them. But just give yourself time and let yourself feel whatever you feel, and if you want to date girls then there's nothing stopping you! :slight_smile:
     
  6. mindthegap

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    Thanks for your reply. It is nice to know that there are more people who feel the same way as I do. At the beginning, I thought I might be trying to convince myself that I lie girls, but after evaluating my life like this, I think that I might have some feelings for my best friend. Yes, we are still just friends, but I feel like I wouldn't mind if she would be interested in being something more...

    ---------- Post added 17th Mar 2015 at 09:32 AM ----------

    Thank you for your reply, much appreciated. It just feels so good to know there are others like me. Lost Girl is my most recent TV show too, and yeah, Anna Silk is amazing, but Zoie Palmer? Lie OMG, she's so sweeeet :icon_redf
    For me it is the same question - if my true self is gay or watching all of this just made me want to be gay. Although sometimes I'm thinking if I would be that stupid that I want to be gay, because there are people in my family who wouldn't be happy about that. So I don't think I would be that stupid to be gay on purpose. And I also kinda think that it is not that normal for straight girl to be so obsessed with lesbians. My best friend is straight and she would definitely refuse to watch lesbian youtubers or any lesbian TV show with me. She once had a cheek kiss with her another friend and felt disgusted, well, I kinda enjoy every opportunity of just stupid cheek kiss with a friend :icon_redf
    And me dating guys, I always get to feel so awward if they try to talk to me, even more if they ask me out and try to be more than friends. I just hoped that there is still a chance for me to "grow up" from this, but I am 24, I don't know how more should I grow up to like guys :lol:
     
  7. cloudberry

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    Yeah it really feels good to know that I'm not alone with this either! Haha and I agree that Zoe Palmer is super cute too, they're both really good together. :grin: everyone is just too damn attractive on that show! Have you gotten through all the seasons?

    I agree that it's hard to find a reason why you (or me) would really want to be gay on purpose, especially if you think your family wouldn't be very supportive. It's not like there are too many advantages I guess... except that you'd get to be with a girl :lol: In my case I don't think my family would react too badly... though it's hard to know, it's not really something we've ever talked about. I come from this small village and I didn't even know that there was such a thing as gay until I was like 12 or so, it was just never mentioned. And then I actually I moved to the UK two years ago as well (from Finland), and now I live in a city where there are actual gay bars and stuff and they hoist a rainbow flag on my campus for the whole month of february to celebrate LGBT history month... it's so weird for me sometimes!

    My situation's kind of different from yours because I've actually been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now (though over half of that time we've been in a long distance relationship). I've kind of had my doubts about this relationship from the beginning (and I had already acknowledged that i have some feelings for girls before that), but since we've always enjoyed spending time together and he's always been so caring and supportive I've kept pushing those thoughts aside... Now it looks like we're really going to break up though, and part of me is scared to loose him but I guess I also kind of feel more free and I just want it to be over in a way. I really wish I would have ended things sooner, and I feel kind of guilty because it's almost like I've been using him... :/ and I'm also 24 actually so sometimes I feel kind of embarrassed/ashamed about not having figured things out yet.

    So I think you should really listen to your instincts and don't do anything that doesn't feel right or try to change because of your family, because I think it will just cause more suffering in the end.
     
  8. mindthegap

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    I didn't watch it all yet, I'm somewhere at the beginning of season 3. I kinda got to the point that I watch youtube videos of Bo and Lauren more often than the actual TV show :lol:
    Yeah, being gay on purpose is probably a bad idea. I thin that most of my family could get used to me being gay, well, with time, but for example my grandma, she would probably pray to God to make me "normal" like all day & every day for the rest of her/my life...Well it's great that you got to the place that is so supportive. I think I should move somewhere else too, because I live in a very small town right now and it's not just my small town but more like the whole country (Slovakia) that is not really supportive of gay people.
    Wow, 6 years with a boy? Well, I guess there is a chance for you to be at least bisexual. I don't think it would last that long if you were not attracted to boys. For me it's hard just to imagine being with a boy.
    I did a lot of thinking today (well, I'm always thinking last days, it's mostly all I do), especially if I could convince myself into liking girls based on TV shows/youtube videos. But I'm getting sure that it would not turn me gay, probably it just uncovered something that was hidden deep inside of me. Like when I was a child, I was watching Harry Potter. I was 11 when I first saw that, and of course, I wished I would be one of those children going to Hogwarts, but watching the movie didn't turn me a wizard :lol: This feels different. When I'm going for a walk with my dog, I can totally see myself with a girl by my side, holding hands. I can imagine myself going out for a drink - with a girl. I can picture myself buying a flower for her, cook together, go for grocery shopping. Whatever imagine, I can see a girl by my side. Yeah, sexually too. I can't imagine doing this with a boy. With a boy I can see myself maybe going to the gym, or ski, do some sports, not more...I was thinking that I may not find the right one. But I am 24, I think I had plenty of time to do that. And, I actually didn't even try to find somebody. Like, if you want to find somebody, you need to go out, to go on a date. And I never did that. I always shut guys down, without giving them/me chance to get to know each other. I just wasn't interested. I guess this just not seem like bisexual behaviour...
    Today I even wrote in my diary (I do that a lot lately :lol: ): "Well, so hello, my name is Tina and I am lesbian!" Everything just got so scary after saying/writing it down. But I am just more and more sure about it everyday. I even met this girl on tumblr (I guess it is true for tumblr to be called gay heaven :lol: ), we started talk, she is super cute, I found out she is coming from the same country as I am, she also studied at the university in Denmark as I did, she dropped out from that danish uni as I did. And right now I am at the point when I am so excited everytime when I see a new message on tumblr, or disappointed when I find out she didn't write me back yet. There are more and more signs leading me to conclusion I have to be gay, because it would be too weird to act like this for a straight girl.
     
  9. cloudberry

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    Haha, well that way you only get the best parts of it i guess. :lol: I finished season 4 already. But right now i just have all these essays i should be writing and exams i should be studying for instead!

    I'm sorry about you living in a country that's not very accepting of gay people, I'm sure that makes things much harder. :/ I really hope you can find someplace to live where you feel more free to be yourself.

    Yeah, I know 6 years is a long time... And I do think that I'm somewhat bisexual, but I think I'm more interested in girls though. Like, there's this girl at uni who I just can't take my eyes off whenever we talk and if I sit next to her I can't really concentrate on anything else. I know nothing will ever happen between us, but the way I feel about her is helping me realize that sadly I never really felt that way about my boyfriend. I think I mostly stayed with my him for so long because he's like my best friend and i'm just afraid to lose him. I guess I had kind of low expectations for a relationship and didn't really know how you're even 'meant' to feel when you're with someone...

    It seems that you're pretty sure of your sexuality already. And it sounds like a big step just telling yourself that you're a lesbian, I'm happy for you! :icon_bigg I feel like I've made some progress this week as well since I was able to talk about these things with a counselor. I was too nervous to tell her anything the first time we talked (last week) but this week I told her about my feelings for girls and it made it all kind of feel a bit more real I guess. I'm just kind of tired of constantly questioning by now so I think I've kind of decided to settle for the knowledge that i'm at least not straight and just go with that for now.

    Aww, I hope that girl writes you back soon :lol: sounds like you really like her!
     
  10. mindthegap

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    Yes, sometimes I just feel it is a waste of time to watch every episode :lol: But I am sure I will get through this, but as you said you are studying for exams - sometimes there's no time to watch it all.
    Yeah, my country isn't gay friendly at all. Actually, we had a referendum about a month ago trying to make a law that would forbid a civil partnership and adoption for gay people. Referendum wasn't successful, but if it would come to agreeing with civil partnerships and adoption, I don't think it would pass.
    I hope you can figure it out for yourself - all the things about your current relationship and your future as well. I was advised that maybe some experimenting would be really helpful with all this confusion.
    Well, I really thought I have it figured out. I was able to write it down, and there are these moments during the day (like checking a girl's ass when she's passing me by :lol: ) when I just say to myself "Tina, you are SO gay!" So it seems pretty gay, doesn't it? But I still feel like I need to consider the option of being with a guy. As if I was trying to convince myself that I can have the life everyone expects me to have...it's so hard figuring out my sexuality. I wish I could be sure I am 100% gay, 100% bisexual, 100% gay or 100% anything, I just want to be sure who I am.
     
  11. Minh

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    I always thought i was straight. But last year i had a crush on a girl. It was a big one. Stronger than any crush i have had for guys. She was the first one ive had crush on. And i was 28 years old. Isnt that people know they are gay from very young age?
    And the point is Ive never been with either a guy or a girl so it is very frustrating for me to say or even think im straight or i am gay.