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Please help me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Helpmeplead, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. Helpmeplead

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2015
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    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey

    I'm just gonna get on with my story... I'm a male btw

    So, I come from a South American family..now, if you aren't familiar, South Americans are heavy against gays, blacks... Basically everything except religion and the hard working person. Now, it's improtant to note I have nothing against anybody!! Race/Gender/sexuality...I don't care. However, my culture emphasizes male masculinity A LOT. Now as for me, for as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to females. I've had a few girlfriends, I have various dreams of females, and I pleasure myself to females... However, I'm not a very masculine guy.. Act masculine yes, but I don't look the part as much.

    IT ALL STARTED WITH AN ACID TRIP..
    I was with a friend and we went to a girls' house and she was with her friend. They had acid and asked if we wanted to try some. I'm naturally curious by nature and have done acid before so I was like hell fucking yeah! I ignored the advice some of my other friends told me about taking LSD around the opposite sex, and decided to take it anyway. So we're all having fun but about an hour in things started to get alittle weird...and by that I mean I was freaking the fuck out. You know how people say "the birds and the bees" and love is like a game? Well I think it's safe to say, I literally saw the game being played... Almost as real as if I were watching a game of basketball on TV. These girls would send out these subliminal signals; a flicker of the eye, a specific smile, move their lips a certain way; and my friend is a "fuck boy" and naturally and flawlessly picked up on these signals and basically maneuvered his way into both the girls' love interest. Like those bitches were ready to drop their panties for him. BUT for me with my girl....it was like all the signals she threw at me, I couldn't pick up on at all....And this happened over and over again for HOURS. By the end I felt so defeated... I'm pretty sure I lost both the girls to him... and I kept hearing them talk about how they thought I was gay... I just felt like shit.

    That was a few months ago...If I was shy around females then, Now it's on a WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL. I've noticed that I can't really keep any conversation going with females about anything...they constantly end their sentences with the word "shit" or "ass" as if to describe their situation with me and the person I am. Even when I talk to guys now, it's like they pick up on something that I don't even know about myself...I remember I was with one of my friends one time and a gay kid came up to talk to us. I remember the look of disgust on my friends' face when we immediately picked up on the fact that that kid was gay... And quite honestly I've been getting the same reactions lately from multiple people.. Now going back to talking with females, I've also noticed that almost on accident through this mental process called "ironic processing": which basically means that our words have subliminal meanings that lead others to infer about mostly, sexual, things...that I lead on girls to think about the Anus... For example "Let me be" vs. "Let me go": let me be would be like "let me bee", referring to a bee pollinating (having sex) where as "let me go" has a subliminal meaning of like "let me shit" IDK... I feel like I've put way too much thought into this. But it all makes sense in my head honestly... I gotta lay off the drugs man. I've also noticed I've been staring at a lot of very masculine guys... Almost jealous of them... And when I watch porn and see a penis larger than mine, my eyes go immediately to it. Am I jealous? Or am I just fucking gay? (No offense)... I wouldn't have a problem with it personally I just don't like the way people react to it.. I'm so lost.

    Anyway I'm having an identity crisis. I still don't really think I'm gay, but it's hard when everyone I talk to seems to assume I am. I've been trying to occupy my mind on other things by studying and reading and it seems to work but I'm about to go to South America in a few days. I DO NOT WANT MY FAMILY TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS. I HAVE NO IDEA WTF IM GOING TO DO. I do not want to go there and just get the cold shoulder. I'll be damned if my family thinks weird and unpleasant thoughts about me. Is there anything I can do? Or any advise anyone could give me?