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I constantly feel the need to check...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Aeolia, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. Aeolia

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    Hi guys !

    Well... It may sound a little weird, but I kinda feel the constant need to check that I'm not attracted by girls...
    When I see naked girls, I have an erection yeah, but I don't feel attracted at all and when I try to fantasize about having sex or even dating a girl... I get deeply disgusted and I feel pain in my stomach. (Things that never happen when I think about a boy...) And I don't get as aroused as with a boy.
    However it happens to me to fantasize about being a girl... Or at least looking like one. I find girls pretty and see them a bit like an example of what I wish I could look like...


    Why do I need to check it constantly, knowing that I'll be disgusted if I do and even feel pain ? Please :/
     
  2. ellyy

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    That's really difficult to answer. Do you have a fear of being straight or bisexual? Are you completely sure that you only like guys? And how long have you been doing this?
     
  3. Aeolia

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    I don't know if it really is fear of not being gay... It's more like a fear of being wrong when I finally thought I'd started to understand myself better. I just know that the mere idea of having any intercourse with a girl would be a no no... It really feels... Disgusting. I'm kinda reassured by that pain in my stomach when I watch girls, but yet I still feel the need to do so...

    When I've realized that I liked guys (5 years ago), I almost instantly felt the need to check over and over and over and over again to be sure that I didn't like girls... To the point that I was persuaded that I liked girls more than guys. I tended to prefer TomBoys though (what a friend called "My gay side manifesting itself"). When I think about it, this last year I've had plenty of "warnings" about me liking guys. I've started to really get into traps, they were cute and yet they were males, so it felt kinda better than girls... I got aroused by a close friend of mine... When I've started to listen to K-pop I couldn't stand watching girls band (I still can't) and yet I still love feminine guys... I'm jealous when I see a cute girl... It's as if I wanted that kind of body while not being attracted to it. I hate all those manly features of mine, while finding them attractive on other males...
    I've never felt as "fulfilled" (and by that I mean true to myself) as since I've came out to myself being gay, it's like I feel better about myself. But yet there's this need to check over and over and over again...
     
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I can appreciate an attractive woman, but I have no interest in having sex with her. and if I tried today, I wouldn't be able to do anything. so why do I notice? who knows. but I'm definitely not bi or straight. mostly, i think it has to do with the effort that they put into it. same is true for attractive guys. beauty is beauty, even if it's not something I want to jump on. but when it's an attractive guy...
    so, I say don't worry about it. It doesn't mean anything.
     
  5. sporn

    sporn Guest

    That describes me pretty much. When I was first accepting myself I wanted to make sure I didn't like guys. I convinced myself I did like them, so I just identified as bi. I tried to live as a bi girl, but I just couldn't. Everyone was pushing me to go after boys. I hated it. For a while I even convinced myself I had a preference for guys because of anxiety around guys.
     
  6. ellyy

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    It sounds like deep down you know you are gay and not attracted to girls. Could it be that part of you are still hanging on the the idea that you might be straight? That part of you haven't fully accepted it yet? If I did the same thing and constantly checked to see if I liked guys I would think that I was just processing and getting used to the idea of not liking guys.
    It could also have something to do with you envying girls' appearances and if so it might be (partly) driven by envy. Do you compare yourself to girls while checking if you are attracted to them?
     
  7. Aeolia

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    Well... It's true that it still feels weird to call myself gay... Even more when I see my own personality changing and that I don't feel attracted to guys the same way it was when I "liked" girls, it feels like more genuine and thus it's disturbing.

    I usually would compare myself to those girls yeah :/ I know that even if I were to be trans... I couldn't pass. So when I see cisgirls, trans (MtF) or crossdressers, I tend to get really jealous of them for being able to do so
     
  8. mindthegap

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    Maybe this is the problem. I have similar feelings. There is just way too many signs that I am into girls, but I am not able to say I am gay. Yet. I can't say it to myself, not even to somebody else. Sometimes I also look at a nice boy, yes I can see he is handsome or has a good body, but that is it. I can't think of boys in sexual way.
     
  9. mindthegap

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    Yeah, you are right. Although I am still not 100% sure about me being gayI can definitely see when a guy is handsome or has a nice body, I am not blind. But even when I see a guy who is handsome, it doesn't make me want to know him and have sex with him. It's just a thought in my head...But then I see a beautiful woman and I can't stop looking at her, dreaming about her being gay :lol:
     
  10. I'm sort of the opposite: I'm always checking and double-checking the fact that I'm bisexual (though I do lean more towards guys). Even though the answer is in the affirmative every time without fail, I still tend to be in doubt and am always checking 'just in case', so I know how you feel.