Male attention and HOCD

Hi.

A lot may depend on where you are in your self-acceptance process. If you are fairly new to accepting yourself, you're probably still in the stages of loss (of your self-perception as straight) which are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The bargaining stage can be a bitch, especially if there's religious guilt or fear of judgment from parents/family/friends, and that can undermine your trust in what you feel in yourself.

So I think the issue is probably less about guys showing you attention -- most every lesbian gets attention from straight guys, just as most gay guys get attention from straight women -- and more about learning to fully love and accept yourself as you are.

Also, it's worth noting that HOCD isn't an accurate term; OCD exists, and that's characterized by intrusive, uncontrollable, repetitive behaviors and thoughts, usually coupled with strong anxiety, and focused on more than one topic. We don't, for example, recognize "locking doors OCD" or "flipping light switches OCD" because we don't see people with OCD that only do those things. In the same way, we don't see people with OCD where it is limited only to concerns about sexual orientation.

So if you don't have the other intrusive, uncontrollable thought patterns, then what you have is definitely not OCD and (far more likely) the ordinary anxiety that comes as a part of the process of working through self-acceptance. For me, at least, that would be a relief, as OCD, while very treatable and curable, can also be really debilitating left untreated. Far better to acknowledge normal anxiety that accompanies the coming out process.

I hope that helps!

 

For what it's worth the line between OCD and anxiety isn't a rock solid one. There are many people that have obsessive traits or compulsive traits, but don't meet the diagnostic criteria for OCD. Both OCD and generalized anxiety disorder stem from the same neurotransmitter pathway deficit, and the incidence of anxiety diagnoses in the population is steadily increasing.

Additionally, LGBT people, understandably, have situational anxiety issues arising from being closeted. These often self-resolve within a year or two after coming out. The problem is... while some people absolutely need to be medicated for anxiety (they can't function otherwise), doctors have a tendency to overmedicate... it's a lot easier to spend the 6 minute office visit writing a prescription than actually talking about the anxiety, working through the issues, and providing cognitive tools and exercises that can help.

I do think that as you work more on becoming comfortable, you'll see the anxiety abate. Talking about it -- both here in the forums and with a therapist -- is the best way to help that process along.

 

Hi, again.

Actually... there are a lot of people here at EC with generalized anxiety (unrelated to sexual orientation.) I think you'd be surprised. As I mentioned above, it is an increasinly common thing that appears to be a byproduct of experiences that happen between mother and child in very early childhood.

Are you seeing a therapist? Is that a possibility? It sounds like you would really benefit, and a therapist could assess whether medication (or some non-medication alternative) might help. There are also supplements that can be really helpful for some people and are essentially harmless and non-addictive, so trying them might be sensible. GABA and 5-HTP are the most commonly suggested, but do your own research and, preferably, discuss with a therapist.

I know what you're saying about how it feels like you should have stayed closeted. It might have lessened the anxiety. I think one of the things to consider is your mental health in the long term. I can pretty much assure you that this is something you will get past, and I think when you do, you'll be a lot happier being your authentic self.