I'm a 22 year old female, just now questioning my sexuality. I recently watched this coming out video, and a lot of the things the girl said in her video I related to, I just never thought anything of it. So now, I'm just trying to make sense of some past feelings & lack of feelings I've had; and I'm hoping to get some perspectives on what my sexuality is. This is the first time I've really thought about this, so sorry if this is really long and all over the place. I've always identified as straight. I've always been pretty certain about that. I've never really felt different or uncertain about my sexuality until maybe this year; and now that I'm thinking about it, that's maybe because I just really oblivious or didn't now how to define my feelings? One of the main things the girl in the video said was that she thought she was incapable of loving anyone because she never actually liked a guy beyond -I'm paraphrasing here- the initial excitement of having someone to like/like you back. And that is something that I definitely felt. I've never had a boyfriend (or a girlfriend for that matter). But I've dated boys before. I only actually liked one of them, and I think that was because I was kind of set on liking him. I kind of set my mind on getting a boyfriend. We did that whole groundwork part where we spend a lot of time together and talk about everything we like and don't like and start to click. It was really exciting to me, I was pretty happy. But after a few months, right before he asked me out, I got bored of him and didn't want to go out. The other guys I've dated, I just didn't really find them attractive from the start. I've never had a crush on a boy. As far as I can remember, from elementary school until now, I would just pick a boy who was good-looking and had a bright personality and try to convince myself I liked him, just because I'd feel liked I needed/should have someone to have a crush on. But I never actually felt anything towards them. In 4th grade, I sat next to this boy who was attractive and nice, and we talked a lot. He mailed me a Valentine's day card asking if I'd be his Valentine, and I was really excited about it, but I was also pretty indifferent at the same time. I think I just liked the notion that someone liked me and wanted to be my Valentine, but I kind of didn't care to be his Valentine. Looking back at elementary and middle school, there were a couple of individual girls that I would get kind of nervous and self-conscious around. Like I would try to come off super cool when I was around them, want them to see me at my best, but I'd always be pretty nervous inside. In high school and college, there were a handful of girls who I was taken by I guess. I'd be interested in what they did and what they had to say and stuff. Sometimes, I'd be nervous around them. I guess I found them physically attractive, but I didn't think anything of it, because I feel like it's kind of normal for girls to admire other girls' looks. I didn't have any sexual desire for them or anything though. Just wanted to be friends with them and close to them. I had this one housemate in college- we were random roommates, so we met at the beginning of the year. We got pretty close- we worked out together and did homework and talked in the common area every night together- so, common things that college friends and roommates do I guess. I never found her physically or sexually attractive, but there were times when I would miss her/wonder what she was doing/want her to come hang out with me if she was just in her room for a little bit, which was a new and pathetic feeling to me. I don't really know what that means though, if it means anything at all. This is where I'm confused- I have this desire to kiss girls and spoon with them (I've done neither so far), but I don't have the desire to do it with a girl. There are girls who I find attractive, but I wouldn't really want to see them naked or anything. I don't like kissing guys at all- sober or drunk. But when I imagine getting intimate and doing it, I always imagine it with guys. I find guys physically attractive, but now I don't know if that's just me being able to appreciate when someone is aesthetically attractive, or if I actually find them attractive. With girls that I find attractive, I actually feel something inside. I'd want to be close to them, but I wouldn't want to do anything sexual with them. Some other little points, I don't know if they mean anything or not: I'm pretty comfortable around guys. I have a lot of guy friends, not too many girl friends. When I watch movies, if I get obsessed with anyone, it's usually a girl; but I don't ever wish for any girl-on-girl action. I'm usually turned on by guy-on-girl action. Anyways, sorry this is so long. I'd really appreciate any insight on what any of these things mean, if they mean anything in regards to sexuality- if I'm straight, gay, bi, or maybe in between???
You could be a homoromantic heterosexual, aka you fall in love with girls but get turned on by men. You could also be in some kind of denial, that you're fake turned on by men. That actually happens, but don't necessarily mean that's the case for you. No one can tell you what you are except yourself, and just do whatever feels right. Maybe if you find the right girl you'll want to have sex with her, and maybe you find the right boy that you'll fall in love with. Don't stress, just think about it a bit. Don't let this occupy your mind, you'll figure it out eventually.
So true, especially don't let this occupy your mind part. I am still not 100% sure, but I was overthinking everything all the time. It just took me so much time - thinking, analysing. Don't waste your precious time, just try to go with what feels good and right for you.
Something that helped me a lot is reading threads on ec. See if you can relate to what people are saying and hopefully you can gain some insight that way. It will take time and it will be on your mind a lot, even if you try not to think about it too much. It's totally normal and you're most definitely not alone in this. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice so far! A homoromantic heterosexual seems to describe my situation well. I guess I gotta try things out and see what feels right.
Just to add, I identify as a lesbian but never have the desire to see naked women. I've talked with a few of my straight friends and they too don't have desires to see hot naked men. I think cuddling, kissing and touching are sexual desires. Hope this isn't confusing you but I just thought I would share.
Hmm thanks, I think this helps! I don't think I ever exactly knew what defined what it meant to be straight or lesbian other than really simple explanations like "if you're attracted to the same sex or opposite sex". I don't think I really had a clear idea of what sexual attraction and desires meant either, especially in terms of what people identify as and what they desire. Hearing this definitely helps!
You could possibly be homoromantic heterosexual like they said. I know it's a long word lol and its not as clean as we would want the term to be but I completely understand. I, myself identity with heteroflexible which means I want to be with guys but I will flex from time to time. At first I was confused because I was looking for one thing to be in particular but as I thought more about I found myself comfortable with it. Im just telling you this so you can learn to be comfortable with it because I know personally I struggled with it. Good luck!
