I know yesterday I said that I was happy that I'm mostly gay but now all of sudden I feel ashamed of myself. Like i'm in some type of denial. I just started telling myself that I can't be gay and that I'm not gay eve tho I know damn well I am. Or might be. I don't know why but I just feel so ashamed of myself.
I know how you feel. Probably I am gay too. And one moment I feel so good about myself, I feel happy that I know who I am and a while later I start to feel like I will never be happy, that I am such a disappointment and I try to look for even the smallest chance that I could be in a relationship with a boy. I think it may be feeling based on expectations, maybe people who are around you. At least this is my case. Everyone is expecting from me to have "normal" life - find a husband, have children so my dad would have grandchildren. And sometimes those expectations are too overwhelming and make me feel like I'm going to disappoint everybody around me. It is even worse, because I probably already am a disappointment since I dropped out of uni.
Its because I was bullied serverly because I'm a tomboy. I have a short haircut and dress like a boy. I was called gay and other homophobic slurs. People even said that I did things that would be considered gay. I'm just afraid that it'll happen again if I do turn out to be gay.
Here's an inspiring quote that I thought might help… "Be confident. We waste too many days comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be someone we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses and it is only when you accept everything you are and aren't that you will truly succeed" -Unknown
Accepting yourself truly is definitely a process, and it's okay if those emotions change over time, even periods of days. When I was first questioning myself, I had the same thing happen to me. For a few weeks, I felt like "wow, I know what these feelings are, this is great," but then I started to feel ashamed about it. It took time and reassurance from others to feel better about it, but eventually I did. I was scared of disappointing my mother, mostly, but when I realized that even if she was disappointed in me, that didn't change that this is my life, and I have to make the best of it. Of course, when I came out, she was okay with it, but I didn't know this when I was questioning. Just take the feelings as they come, and work through those. It's a big adjustment, but it gets better.
It's normal to go through a state of denial and non acceptance, you might even feel like you are constantly disappointing yourself-- but it honestly will get better when you're thinking of the situation in a postive light and slowly processing it as well. A lot of people didn't skip from finding out their sexuality to accepting themselves so quickly so don't feel ashamed, you're not alone.
