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I rejected a guy because I have no confidence?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Seanathan, Mar 20, 2015.

  1. Seanathan

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    Hey, so I'm a gay. I'm pretty okay with it. My family and friends all accept me. I go to a tolerant high school. And there was a guy who I was compatible with that was crushing on me who I liked back. My life should be perfect, no?

    Only, I have crippling low self-esteem. I hate myself, and my looks, to the point I'm very embarrassed by them and embarrassed to show my face. Whenever I step outside, I immediately get anxiety and just wish I was home alone so no one would look at me. I feel like a warty, mutate frog, ALL THE TIME I always break down and cry when I see pictures of myself because I look at it and just see how horrendously ugly I am. I refuse to post a picture of myself on here because I'm too scared to even have people here confirm it. I wake up everyday feeling miserable, and even worse I feel guilty because I shouldn't since I'm luckier than most gay guys. But these thoughts have pushed me so far that I even am considering suicide.

    So when a guy that I thought was cute said he liked me too, I confessed to him that I liked him back, but I didn't want to date him because I hate myself and I feel shattered inside every day. He tried convincing me to try to date him, tried convincing me I wasn't ugly, but he gave up, thought I was bullsh*tting for attention and started ignoring me. I don't blame him, but I'm tired of feeling like this every day.

    It goes past the "I don't feel I look good." I always feel inadequate, undeserving, spoiled and privileged, and it only makes things worse. I'm afraid to tell people because it's embarrassing, and now I just feel numb. I don't care about anything anymore.

    Sorry if this all sounds whiny. At this point, I don't care if I die a virgin or am forever alone. I don't care if I don't get the career of my dreams or the house. All I want at this point is to be able to look into the mirror, look into my soul, and love myself. To be able to be happy and content with who I am. But how? How do I learn to love myself? I have no idea where to even begin....
     
  2. bingostring

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    Well, isn't this ^^ evidence that your thesis is flawed???

    Maybe you have a self image issue that can be worked on. Maybe you have a dysphoria. I bet you can change things around.

    If it is seriously affecting your life and mood, maybe yu could get some help with it through therapy

    Attraction is not even always about surface appearance half the time.
     
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Guest

    I have confidence problems too, though I don't think I've ever rejected someone because of that... Easier said than done, but find one thing that you love about yourself, something that's for you, that only you can pull off. Honestly I feel like I'm a boring guy, I don't have much in common with other gay guys, but I want to travel the world, I already have, and I definitely will again. I've made sure I will by majoring in a foreign language, and I'm really good at it. That's my thing that I do well, it's enough.
     
  4. Damien

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    Firstly, (*hug*). You sound just like me. I also neurotically cling to the notion what I am unattractive to most folks, and thus am probably subconsciously self-sabotaging any real opportunities that might be trying to come my way. I too don't post my real pic here, because the few times I did, I never got a single word of validation about it, and so I assumed (and still believe) that is because, unlike the many good-looking members here, I just 'don't make the grade' in the looks stakes. God this can be agonizing. But in your case, a guy recently told you he was attracted to you. Far out, I can only wish for that. I have not had a guy make any kind of advance towards me since my twenties (apart from a couple of guys at a 'gay club' who I spurned due to not feeling like I could trust them, besides I don't have sex with strangers, I like to get to know someone first, and these guys were not intending to get to know me first! One of them was cute, though...hmm).

    Your condition is serious, and so you need a strong remedy. Get some counselling to deal with your low self-esteem. I bet that when you look in the mirror, like myself, you focus inordinately on all your faults and don't even notice your good points. This can get worse and worse if you don't do something about it. You've got to realize that you are probably seeing yourself much more negatively than others see you. You have become prejudiced, against yourself!

    Next time a guy shows interest in you, maybe tell them you want to take things a bit more slowly, to take some time to get to know them first. Maybe that would help, developing a bit of trust. But definitely see someone about your self-image, if it's so bad you are sometimes contemplating suicide (I too have felt that way a few times) you need to do something about it. I think most of the problem is in your own mind. It sounds to me that, like myself, your self-deprecation and belief that you are unworthy, is beginning to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you are not good enough, and so even others who think you are, give up. This then feeds back into your poor self image. Break this vicious cycle.
     
  5. ellyy

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    It doesn't sound whiny at all and I can relate to what you're saying. Have you ever heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder? I'm definitely not saying that you have it but it's worth looking into if you feel like it's such a problem that it's affecting your day to day life. But whether you have it or not, you do have a problem that needs to be fixed and I would suggest seeing someone who can help you with that.

    Just know that the real issue here isn't your looks, it goes much deeper than that. I think there's a pain inside of you that you perhaps haven't fully acknowledged yet and it manifests itself in a hate for your appearance. Once you fix the deeper issues here, which are not at all directly related to your looks, you won't have this problem with your appearance anymore and you will be much happier.

    And I hope you don't feel bad for rejecting that guy. Your top priority right now should be focusing on your mental health (which should actually always be your top priority, imo) as opposed to dating so perhaps it was a good thing that you turned him down so that you can take the time you need to feel better.

    I hope I helped you at least a bit and please please get help because your happiness is so important.
     
  6. kindy14

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    Hey boo, I suffered from the exact same feeling FOR YEARS. Wasn't until recently, as part of accepting my sexuality, that I accepted that I might have been wrong all those years back.

    I would def. talk to your family doctor or a therapist about this issue. You do not have to suffer from it.

    Below is my high school year book picture. Butt ugly malformed skinny and a whole mess of insecurity. That's what my opinion of myself was, back then, and up until last year.

    [​IMG]
     
  7. bingostring

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    (kindy - Man you were HOT!) Sorry just had to say...:icon_bigg
     
  8. Seanathan

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    @Kindy Omg I think you're adorable holy crap. You have nothing to worry about!

    As for the rest of you, thank you so much for your advice. I'm really desperate. It's destroying and it's good to know that A.) I'm not alone and B.) there are ways I can fix this. I'm looking into seeing a school therapist next week.