Hello! My name is Josh. I am 23 years old. Until recently I thought of myself as a typical straight man. However I have never had a girlfriend which is something that is causing me some anxiety. I feel like I need to have some experience with a romantic relationship while I am still young or else I will be left behind by my peers. I am attracted to women physically but I am just too shy to make a move. I have given this some thought. It has occurred to me that I have no interest in being the aggressor in a romantic relationship with a woman. Instead I want a woman who will take me out and treat me. I want her to be in charge of things, not in an overbearing way but in a sheltering and protective kind of way. I want a woman who will hold me in her strong and beautiful arms. I want to rest my head on her shoulder and fall asleep in her lap. Basically, I want a woman who acts like the perfect man and treats me like her lady. In return I will stay by her side, I will cook her meals, and I will support her in her career. I want a heterosexual relationship in which the gender roles are completely and totally reversed. I have considered the possibility that I might be transgender. However, I have to physical dysphoria whatsoever; I don't even want to take hormones. In my opinion biology, gender, and gender expression are entirely different ideas with no overlap. In other words, no matter how feminine I might feel I will never have the need to transition or to identify as anything other than a cisgender man. I have also considered the possibility that I might be gay, and while it's true that I am attracted to men emotionally, there is no physical attraction. Ultimately I am a straight femme man who is attracted to butch women. Because I have such an unusual attitude toward gender for a straight person, I don't feel like I can find the right woman for me in the straight community. But because I identify as cisgender and heterosexual I also fear that the queer community won't accept me. I worry that I can't claim to identify with either the straight or the queer communities and that no one will ever understand me let alone love me. I found an article on Wikipedia discussing the concept of the "Queer Heterosexual", here is a link: Queer heterosexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. A "Queer Heterosexual" as it applies to me is someone who is straight but genderqueer, i.e. a straight masculine woman or a straight feminine man, some Queer Heterosexuals are even attracted to the same sex emotionally, just like me! I would like to identify with the label "Queer Heterosexual" but I read posts online from people who don't like the idea of people who are cisgender and straight using the queer label. I am not trying to offend anyone, I am just trying to figure out who I am and I need a term to set myself apart from gender-normative heterosexuals. Any advice?
You can be a cis straight male and feel like this and there are a few women that are attracted to it and will enjoy a relationship like that. Gender roles are limiting; and stereotypical ones shouldn't exist in straight relationships either. I don't know about anyone else here, but feel free to stay! It can feel hard to fit in with straight people when you don't follow the 'roles' and I want gender non-conforming cisstraight people to come here and feel comfortable if they feel they need to.
Fallingdown7, Thank you for your support! I've been thinking about becoming active in the LGBT community but I wasn't sure how I would be received within it. Now I feel reassured to know that there are friendly and welcoming people like you out there. Thank you so much! josh91
If it feels right and makes you happy, go for it I'm sure that the vast majority of the LGBT community would be accepting of you.
Reading ur desire reminds me of the relationship of a mother and son. Seems to me you need parents. I hope I didn't hurt ur feelings. This was just my first thought. Only u know how u feel
EpicConfusion, Thank you for your encouragement! Now I just need to put myself out there and make some LGBT frieds! elmezaj, This is actually something that I have worried about; am I just a childish person looking for a parent figure? But then it occurred to me that in our heteronormative society we expect girls and women to be shy and submissive and to desire strong, tough, manly men who will keep them safe and make decisions for them. But I don't have to conform to these heterosexist ideas. There is no reason why a shy, soft, and androgynous man like myself can't desire a stronger, tougher and more masculine woman without being considered child-like. Still I want to thank you for your thoughtful response. I hope that my criticism isn't too harsh. I can tell that you are a kind and loving person and I wish you all the best! Fallingdown7, I forgot to mention this earlier. I think that your Froakie avatar is cute, but not as cute as my Chespin.:icon_wink josh91
Depending on the area you live in, that may be hard to do or it may not. I personally have had some difficulty, but look for some LGBT groups in your area. That's a good start. That's a valid point. There isn't anything wrong with wanting something a little out of the ordinary. It doesn't necessarily mean you have a stunted relationship with your parents or anything.
I accept you (*hug*) If you are being a kind, honest, open-minded person, who's wiling to learn more about the lgbt community and feels like you might be a part of it. Don't stress, of course you're welcome here (at least from my perspective). And wow, I'm really impressed with how much you know about everything in the queer community already, especially gender. Its so fascinating how there are all these different facets of gender, ranging from expression to how you really feel inside. And yeah gender, so heres a kicker, I'm probably a trans guy, but I can be pretty feminine...What can I say I love classic disney songs and my ideal date would be just cuddling and watching the stars with the person I love. Be true to who you are and be kind to others, and the people who matter, the people who you want in your life, will love and accept you for the amazing person you are.
Wow! It feels so good to share such a fundamental piece of who I am and to be understood and accepted by friends and allies that I didn't know I had! Thank you to everyone who read and responded to my posts!(&&&)
You really dont. I was just thinking about this. I was raised by my mother and her mother, and in our family my mother was the "father" and my grandmother was the "mother" so its easy to mix roles. I think every "unortodox" sexual orientasion may come from a psychological incident. Im not saying it should be fixed or cured, im just saying it has a cause. Like trees in british columbia near the ocean, they grow up and and theyre under the pressure of wind all the time, so they will grow kind of horizontal not only vertical. These threes will never be straight, bc of this trauma of wind, but they are beautiful this way and growing in a different dimension, gives them new perspectives. So whatever is, is good, only in a different way. This is what i think. Thanx man! I feel its my journey to understand ppl. I hope im on the right track, and i wish u the same
elmezaj, You really touched me with your last post. I feel like you just get me. I've been thinking about my family ever since what you wrote in your first post. As you said, I think there might be a "psychological incident" that caused my sexual orientation. The truth is that the two most important female influences in my life are not stereotypical women. Firstly, my mother is from Long Island, New York and had a tough childhood, but this experience made her into a strong and independent woman. My mom and dad try to make decisions together, but when there is a disagreement my mom gets her way, she wares the pants. However, my mom still cooks and cleans while my dad takes out the garbage and fixes problems with the car, so ultimately their relationship wouldn't work for me. I like it when a woman takes charge, sure, but I also want her to be masculine. I want her to do the "man's work" like fixing the car and taking out the garbage, and I will do the "woman's work" like cooking and cleaning. The other important female influence in my life is my cousin who is two years older than me. When we were little kids she would often wrestle with me. She didn't hold me down because I was frail and weak due to my heart condition, rather she would let me get on top of her and she would pile on top of my brother and another male cousin. She wanted to make sure that I didn't get hurt. She was also athletic and involved in many sports. Now that she has grown up she turned out to be a lesbian and she is very butch. I moved away form where she lives in New York over ten years ago, but I hear that she is an excellent father figure to her girlfriend's children. Now I live in Texas and people here are very traditional, masculine men and feminine women. I should get back to New York sometime; I have a much better chance of finding a woman who is right for me and who will accept me for who I am up there. Thanks again for responding to my posts elmezaj, you're awesome!!!:icon_bigg josh91
I see that this thread went stale maybe a month ago, but I thought for new visitors and the OP I would add my own perspective, which may be helpful. I'm a 45 year old man and internally consider myself to be queer hetero and demisexual. Because I'm as old as I am and because I encountered these categories relatively recently, for the last 25 years that I've spent with family and friends in the LGBT community, I outwardly identify as Ally--and at this age, it is a big, fixed part of my identity. Now, not choosing to change this is my choice given my circumstances and my peculiar sensitivity for the community. Were I putting this all together today, and I was 17 or so, I may well push for a more broad acceptance of queer heterosexuals. I could imagine that living outwardly queer (so not accepted broadly by heteronormative culture), but not being fully accepted by the LGBT community could make a person feel like a minority of minorities, and really isolated. When I am working with LGBT groups where I am not very well known, I don't try to push my identity, as I've developed a sense that some members of the community view any cisgendered/straight people with suspicion, even allies. I have the impression that my "queer claim" would be akin to "LGBT-lite". Again, this is my personal, emotional impression derived from my specific experiences over time. I also know people who are very accepting and understanding. In any case, I hope things are going very well for you, josh91. You are the only you, and this is the only now. I hope you choose to live a fulfilling and happy life. -QSJ
When I like a guy, I feel like wanting to take care of him, perhaps in a big sister way, rather than him holding me in his arms (my arms are bigger than his!)
