Out of the blue here, and most likely a very silly question, but how often (or have you) tried to convince yourself that your gay? I'll tell myself in front of the mirror that I'm gay, or purposely watch gay/straight porn to convince myself that I'm gay. Internalized homophobia? I don't think I have any homophobia, not that I know of at least. I just want all this confusion and debate to end, so I figured why not give the 5 stages of coming out a shot? But as helpful as EC seems to be, I find that I am not able to "fit in". I feel like a straight guy that has some similarity within the LGBT+ community because of the sexual attraction to men. I've never suppressed my gay side, if anything I explored it through heavy porn use, and most recently with a man in real life. I've got a boner from holding a girls hand whom I've had a crush on, and she liked me back which was a +. I think what's confusing me here is the whole sexual/emotional attraction. Yes, I am attracted to older men (50+), I'm sure that's no doubt at this point. However I also very much enjoy dating a girl, holding hands, and being there for her. But in terms of sex, I won't lust after them as much as older men. I do find myself staring at their ass and their boobs though. Groin response? Not so much, at least not until they touch me. God this is so annoying, why can't I just be Kinsey 6?
Try dividing the sexuality and romantic expressions. Maybe bi-romantic homosexual? If you look into the two things and find the difference between them, just find what you're comfortable with. Romantic orientation and Sexual orientation are easy to divide it and make it easier. Just research a lil' bit and find what all the terms are and what they mean.
So I guess romantic and sexual attraction don't have to align with each other? I want to live my life authentically, and not go through divorce papers down the road because of my sexuality.
I don't know if sexual and romantic attraction have to align with each other but there are people who experience it that way. I think some of them later on find that there actually was no split between their attractions and that they thought so perhaps because coming to terms with their real sexual orientation right away was too difficult. But then there might also be people who experience that split for the rest of their lives (which doesn't necessarily mean that the same thing doesn't apply to them as well). There was something I wrote in another thread (this one: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/171996-do-gay-men-have-sex-women.html) that was a reply to one of your posts and it's about your sexuality. Maybe delving deeper into what I wrote in that post can help you. Here it is:
I think I've touched on this before with you, but if your attractions are primarily to older men, there's likely something else going on. The most common correlation between young men and attraction to older men is some sort of bonding failure or lack of emotionally close connection to a male father figure. When this is the case, it doesn't affect your sexual orientation, but it does affect the health of your relationships, and it's something that, with therapy, usually resolves itself. What you describe about how you feel around women is what many, perhaps most gay men would describe. Finally, the whole concept of internalized homophobia is that it's internalized; in other words, if that were an issue for you (which it may or may not be), you wouldn't be consciously aware of it.
My therapist suggested this idea as well. We haven't concluded on anything yet, but we're looking into it more. To be honest, my sexual attraction to older men is probably part of my orientation, but then again I always go back and forth with this. ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2015 at 02:44 PM ---------- Yeah you've touched on this before, I remember. In the end, I just want to resolve my attractions to older men and later develop feelings and attractions to guys near my age group. It's something that I'm hoping for in the end so that all this confusion will stop. My therapist says that she doesn't sense any homophobia from me. If anything, she was so surprised about how open I was about being gay. But regarding father issues, if the problems were resolved, would that mean I would begin to develop attractions to guys my age group? I feel like my attractions to older men are driven by parental abuse in general, and it somehow manifested into sexual attraction, but that doesn't explain why all my life I've never had attractions for guys near my age group at all.
Maybe you could just ask why you are so worried about finding a precise, permanent 'label' for your sexuality, and can't just be in the moment, and let your sexual attraction flow where it will, and enjoy whoever it is you happen to be with, whether male, female or otherwise. It's all fine and good, so what does it matter?
I ask myself that one too many times. I guess it's because everyone is born with a set orientation, right? So it's not like things can change dramatically. Im letting my attractions flow where they want at the moment. I just want to happy, you know?
Stop thinking of it as sides of your personality. You don't have a gay side, and a straight side. You have your very own perspective on who it means to be you. You shouldn't be putting on one mask to date girls, another to date older guys, and another to date younger guys. Just be yourself.
Thanks kindy14. I'm trying my very best to embrace who I am but it never ends. Many times I'll want girls and then I'll want guys. It goes back and forth, and I just want it to end. I'll tell myself that it's okay to be gay, and sometimes I'll be okay with it, other times I'll remind myself of past attractions to girls... If they were even attractions, that is.
