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Life advice needed

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kellynec, Mar 22, 2015.

  1. kellynec

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So I'm an 18 year old guy who's been questioning his sexuality for 4 years.

    Before my problem arose (change of sexuality perhaps?) I was exclusively straight and I could only masturbate to girls. Now for the past 4 years when it comes to my masturbation habits, I've felt gayer and gayer. I've been fantasizing about topping, but not guys... girls with male genitalia and I don't know whether this is a medical condition, can be changed (imagining girls with male genitalia)... I can't maintain images of female genitalia in my mind and I don't know why... I can definitely masturbate to transwomen. I don't think if I'm turned on by female bodies any more.

    Since I've never been with either sex in a relationship (neither sexual nor romantic) I feel I can't accurately determine my sexuality.

    The starting point, I think, would be that I've never met a gay guy who was sexually attracted to women to the extent that all he could imagine in his fantasies was girls and having sex with them, I couldn't watch straight porn because guys turned me off totally...

    I would love to be in a relationship with a girl but what stops me from being on the initiative is the fear of not being able to love her the way she would deserve it. I would also hate to be confronted by the fact that I've become gay. I'm not sure how possible this is, but still, I feel I'm mentally... "blocked" when it comes to starting to try to engage in a relationship.

    If anything I'm ready to live my life alone if I'm gay, not because there's anything wrong with being LGBTQ or with the "lifestyle" (notice the quote marks, they're here for a reason), but because of my own ideologies. But once again I'd like to clarify I'm not against the community or its members.

    What's the right thing to do in a messed up situation like this?
     
    #1 kellynec, Mar 22, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2015
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi,

    What you're experiencing isn't at all uncommon, actually. I can't tell you if you're gay. And I can say is that sexual orientation doesn't change, but for many people (maybe moreso men than women), they can be in complete denial and have absolutely no conscious awareness about same-sex attractions until, at some point, it begins to come into consciousness. This would be particularly likely if it happened sometime +/- a couple years around puberty, which it sounds like it did.

    You haven't said much about it specifically, but if I infer that 'your own ideologies' refers to deeply ingrained religious beliefs or you've grown up around very strong homophobia, I could easily see that during the early stages of your awareness of attraction to men, your unconscious might be working overtime to try and rationalize that by throwing up the oddball fantasies you are describing.

    If I were to guess, I'd say there's some pretty serious internalized self-hate and/or fear about the idea you could be gay, and that's most likely what's causing all of this. One thing I could suggest is to open your mind up to the possibility you could be gay by masturbating and fantasizing about guys, rather than girls with penises. Compare what that feels like how arousing it is, how quickly and intensely you orgasm when doing that compared to thinking about girls with male genetalia. That may help you get some clarification.

    And feel free to talk more about what you're feeling, the ideologies you have, and anything else that might help.