Advice needed: My situation in a straight relationship (Long)

Hey,

:help:

I'm in a tough situation. Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

This is a really really long post. A novel!!
Sorry about that. I want to give a bit of backstory. Perhaps someone can relate? I'm someone who has lived a straight life, looking away from queerness stubbornly in the opposite direction...

If you don't want to read it all, skip to the end. That's where the questions are

So here we go.


I'm a female in a straight relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together 10 years. He's my soul mate and best friend. We've had problems with sex since about 6 months into the relationship. My desire kept diminishing, I stopped wanting to have sex with him. I've never been very physical with him, never been clingy or missed him very much (we're not living together but have our separate places).

The sex not working, and me not sharing my inner life 100% with him, has put a strain on the relationship. Something has held me back. I've tried to have sex with him all throughout these 10 years, but the spark never came back. I've had a lot of sex while not wanting to at all. I've tried to make myself like it and want it. I've wondered if I could be asexual.

We've spent many nights discussing it. It's felt more like torture than a conversation:
"I just don't want to."
"But why?"
"I don't know." (Completely honest answer.)
"Am I not attractive enough?"
"You're beautiful." (He truly is beautiful, he is handsome, and very intelligent.)
"Don't you love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"If only I was more masculine, you'd want me. Terrible. All the girls want masculine bullies, that is what turns women on. That's the ugly truth."
"No! I don't care about muscles and masculine men!" (True. I've never been impressed by pictures of "hot" muscular guys with their shirt off.)

A year and a half ago, another man seduced me while I was abroad. I gave in. I was tired of having sex against my will, tired of feeling no desire in my relationship. I made out with this man and told my boyfriend afterwards.

How cruel that was. I didn't understand just how cruel. But now I do.
We decided to stay together. All of this set me off on a journey of self discovery. I began to meditate and research spirituality. I wanted to know how to make our relationship work and how to become a better person.

About 2-3 years earlier, I'd begun exploring my sexual desire on my own. The asexual theory didn't make sense, since I've felt a lot of desire in my life. When my boyfriend wasn't around, I'd have sex with myself. It was fine. I was happy that I seemed healthy and functioning.

Out of the blue on day came the thought: "I want to watch a movie about lesbians."
I was a bit surprised about that, but ended up watching the entire L Word series. Twice. And a bunch of lesbian films.

I've always been attracted to women, calling myself bisexual. I always felt there's something special about women. They're wonderful, beautiful, smart, inspiring. But I never explored it, despite a fascination with queer culture. I began to imagine having sex with a girl when having sex with myself. It was great and felt like a revelation, like: ok, this is working. I began looking at women differently, and could sense this hidden possibility: women could truly be with women. Some deep part of me felt very alive.

I couldn't seriously begin to question my sexuality. That would render a threat to my relationship. I was supposed to be having the relationship. So this was just a fun experiment, a way for me to connect to my desire. I never told my boyfriend, since it was nothing serious. Besides, I've never felt comfortable talking about sex with him (it feels awkward and embarrassing). I've never shown him what I like in bed (it feels wrong, like "get me out of here"). I've never told him what turns me on (because what the hell does turn me on, anyway?).

I've always fantasized about men, too. But usually they're faceless. They're controlling me, and doing things to my body while I can't move. I never touch them, I don't care what they look like and they usually have their clothes on while mine are off. This fantasy is arousing and icky / taboo at the same time.

I came across an article recently that describes a straight man fantasizing about other men in much the same way.
'Father Hunger' Doesn't Mean You're Gay*|*Joe Kort, Ph.D.

I recognize myself in that article. I've had crushes on men where I've felt almost unbearable longing toward them, wishing they would give me all their attention, soothe me, comfort me, hold me, take care of me, think of me, let me be vulnerable, always put me first and love me unconditionally. I thought this was romantic love, but now... I'm not sure that sounds like romantic love.


A few months back from today, around new year's, I felt like truly committing to my boyfriend. Everything was great between us, except for the sex, and I was growing as a person. I decided to look into the subject of sex with an open mind.

I began to research books, theories, and self-help. Shiatsu secrets for love, sexual fluidity, transcendent sex, ISD (inhibited sexual desire which is a disorder), orgasmic meditation, slow sex, tantric sex, kundalini, sexological bodywork, goddess therapy, gestalt body awareness, feminine presence and meditation, etc...

I began taking herbal supplements to boost my desire, much to the delight of my boyfriend. I truly felt I was doing this for us, feeling committed about making it work.

But. I was meditating and connecting to my body and suddenly it began to wake up. Maybe it was the herbal supplements. I felt altogether new physical sensations. I could not deny what music did to me while listening with headphones, walking down the street. (I'm a musician.) The music began to speak to me, shaking me. I became conscious of finding women much more pleasing to the eye than men. And then the music shook me again... and I thought of women and felt like I was falling off a cliff.

I can't begin to explain what I've been through in the past few weeks - nothing much shows on the surface but inside, I'm like an erupting volcano. Even my personality and my body language is changing. I feel so different. Powerful, and powerless. I can't describe how I feel when giving in to this "thing". It's like ecstacy, like spirit possession but so genuine, undeniable, deep.

I've had sexual fantasies about women. I'm not passive in these fantasies, I want to do things, be active, give pleasure, I don't care about having an orgasm, I want to give pleasure because I'm speechless, I'm hypnotized. I listen to Bryan Ferry singing "Slave To Love" and I want to rip my shirt because I completely, totally get it.

The other week, a woman in a store handed me back my credit card after swiping it and I could not look at her as I took it, I felt weak from sensing how she held the card in her hand.

Last weekend I was speaking to a female friend on the phone and it was as though she was purring in my ear, I was falling into and getting lost in the sound of her voice, into darkness where at the bottom was a small golden heart, like a tiny bell... The ground tickled my feet until they floated in the air... My body was responding to her voice in the most surreal way. I'm not in love with her, it's just... something else...

Okay. Well.

I'm currently rationalizing the whole thing, trying to "control" myself. I have a voice inside that says "I want to be a lesbian!! Can I be a lesbian? Really? Can I?? That's so cool I want to be lesbian!!" and I currently answer that with "Calm down. Get a hold of yourself. You're immature and selfish. That sounds too simple. You're not trying hard enough. How ungrateful you are in your relationship! You're not even trying to do it right! You're not even trying to like it! Just because you feel this thing? That makes no sense! That conclusion is too easy! You think it feels good? It's too good! It's good in the wrong way! You're not supposed to enjoy something that way! It's wrong! Selfish! Crazy! Just think of what a fool you'll make of yourself if you were to tell people you were gay. This is a joke! You're not gay! Don't embarrass yourself!"



Hmm... so what do I do?
Things are very tense between me and my boyfriend. I struggle with irritation, anger and even disgust. I freeze when he touches me, I hold my breath, I clench my teeth involuntarily. At bed time I'm thinking "oh god no" because I have to have sex somehow. If I don't, he'll be asking why not, and everything might come spilling out.

Why can't I let that happen?
Everytime I see my boyfriend he tells me he feels depressed. He suffers from a physical injury that keeps him from pursuing his passion in life full-time. He has a job that is very demanding and drains him of energy, and he has a pessimistic outlook. He can even say things like "Maybe I should jump out the window" when things get really bad between us. I've already betrayed his trust by making out with another man, and after that, while very upset one day he said he would have to kill my next boyfriend if we broke up and I ended up sexually and emotionally satisfied with another.

He isn't a violent person, but has very strong emotions. I don't want to ruin his life and go through a time of torture where I'll be hearing all the time what a liar I am, how I've destroyed everything, how I've hurt him so bad he'll never recover physically or emotionally, how disloyal and egocentric I am... Maybe he'll just throw me out of his life and I'll never hear from him again. Maybe he'll actually hurt me physically or what if he hurts himself? What if he actually tries to hurt or kill himself...

I'm sorry, I know this is difficult to read and it's incredible difficult and emotional to write. I'm sorry. I need help.

Do I talk to him?
What do I say? "I think I'm a lesbian" or "I'm a lesbian" or "I've looked at my sexuality" or...
Am I even lesbian? Am I not just insane? Making it up? I feel like a fool...
Do I talk to a friend, instead? Gain some perspective?
That might make me a disloyal person! My boyfriend could wonder why I didn't talk to him first! What's right to do?
If I should talk to a friend, what the hell do I say to the friend? I'm afraid they may not accept me, maybe they'll think I'm revolting... I've been afraid of people hating me my whole life, but never knew why.

Sorry, again. My emotions are strong too.
I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday.
What do I tell her?

I can't continue to fake sex with my boyfriend. I'll see him again this weekend. The faking part of me has quit the job it seems, nothing's working in that department.

Last night, I tried having sex with him, but I just felt sadness everywhere and tried to hold back the tears but couldn't. It felt like I was trying to hold back an avalanche with a grimace... I cried into the pillow and thought: "shit, I'm giving it all away". I wished so much that I could just cry, for feeling alone and for feeling sad, to just feel whatever I felt with someone who would support... But no, not possible. I was able to make a lame excuse and escape the situation. The having sex part was awful.

Wow, I sound like an awful person. I really don't want to harm anyone. I want everyone around me to be happy.

Oh I really need help, support, something... I feel so alone.

Sorry about this thread-novel! I had to get all of that off my chest. Sorry for the brutal honesty. I'm writing this for my own sake as well.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts.

Have a wonderful day.

 

Thanks everyone. That's very sane and concrete advice you give me, just what I need. Thanks a lot for sharing and cheering me on :icon_bigg Much appreciated.

Hmm paris, are you still with your boyfriend? Looks like an open relationship in your out status.

 

Sonetto, thank you for your kind words. I did see my therapist, and it's been good. It's been a long time since I last tried therapy. It's different this time. I sit there and actually feel like I'm revealing things to myself, and feeling emotions, instead of just reporting to the therapist what I already "know". I would recommend anybody who might be reading this and questioning their sexuality to see a therapist. Find a really good one. It's so valuable to make it all "real", through opening up to somebody.