Gay men who used to date women

When I was young I wanted to date women but found it difficult and I was not that successful. It is hard to be good at something you have no interest in. All I knew is that I wanted a "normal life" and loves the idea of being in a relationship. (I occasionally describe myself as being a closet romantic) I also went to therapy to stop me being interested in guys.
So how did I feel at the time? To be honest I was living in a complete haze of confusion. Before I was married I dated a few women and would sneak of to gay bars and clubs while totally denying to myself that I was gay. When I got married I distracted myself with other things, physical exercise, work and dealing with my wife's history of abuse. (long story)
I took up a full contact marshal art and got to a level where being in contact my emotions was important to progress in the art (high level black-belt stuff). This is where my emotions fell apart. I just had to be honest with myself and admit that I was as gay as they get.
So your questions did I always know? Looking back yes, at the time denial can be amazingly powerful. Could I ignore / change my sexuality? at the time it was thought that sexuality was a learned behaviour, so I went to therapy. Oh boy did I learn to ignore my sexuality. I would occasionally get flashes where my sexuality would confront me. But I always managed to berry it again. I do remember standing at the alter on my wedding day and panicking, realising that I really wanted to be with a particular guy. But I was too terrified to back out of the wedding.
So at the time I was as confused as hell and deep in denial.
Most of the people on this site that say they are "confused" are a lot more sorted than I was when I was in my twenties :bang:

 

I've had at least 4 girlfriends that I can remember, and I loved one quite a lot. I was in pretty deep denial having grown up in a really conservative and religious area. When the denial faded some, and I learned that I was way, way more into guys, the girl I was dating broke it off with me, which was confusing. My dumb teenage brain couldn't handle being in love with a woman despite being gay. This put me back into some denial, and I dated the last girl I'll date. She also found out, through my browser history :redface:. She yelled at me for a while and I didn't apologize for who I was, which ended the relationship but began a much freer chapter of my life.

So, yeah, I loved them like any would, but in the end they ended due to apathy or some other means. I was really good friends with one for years and years afterwards, and still felt that same love, so it must have been a closeness that one feels for a really good friend. Feelings are weird as a teenager, and exaggerated, and as an adult I've never loved a member of the opposite sex in that way.

 

Forgive me for copying and pasting myself but I literally just answered this question in another thread, so in case someone is reading one and not the other I will put it here too.

When I was younger I thought I was bi. I had these fantasies about men but I liked women too. It was a different time and place and I just decided that given that I was attracted to both I would just act on the attraction to women. After all everyone has fantasies and no one acts on even close to all their attraction. So I dated women, pretty actively. I had girlfriends. I was sexually active--I've actually been with more women than many of my straight male friends. I wasn't just doing it to pass. I like women. I enjoyed being in relationships with them. The sex was fun and felt good. It was... nice. And in retrospect I mean to damn it with faint praise, but at the time it really did seem... nice. I wasn't quite sure what everyone was singing about and it wasn't quite like it was in the movies but, hey, what is right?

And then a guy kissed me. He was a friend of my roommate who would visit from Princeton. And it was like he was me, but at Princeton. We were both comparative religious studies majors, we both did parliamentary debate. As it happens we were both gay. He was out and I could tell that he could tell with me but he knew I wasn't out and was respectful and all that. Oh, and he was gorgeous. Anyway, we went to a party and he had a bit more to drink than he should have and since I didn't drink it was my job to make sure he got home safe. We made it back to the dorm, me half holding him up and then there in the lobby of my dorm he kissed me.

And it was like lightning through my soul. My legs literally gave out and we fell to the ground our limbs all tangled up, and by the time I managed to get back up I knew I was gay. This was what everyone was singing about and this was like it was in the movies--all fireworks and butterflies. I had thought that all that was just sort of overrated and in that moment I found that it wasn't--I'd just been doing it wrong. And once I accepted that my attraction for women almost immediately faded. I haven't looked at a woman in a sexual manner in well over twenty years. The mind's a funny thing...

 

I dated (and was with) several women. During my final female relationship in my early 20s I began to put the pieces together. By that point it was on the rocks anyways and we both wanted out of the relationship.

Like OGS I thought I was Bi but after kissing (and being with) a guy, I really haven't looked at a woman since. With a guy, it just felt "right."

If you want to, have a look at my post history. I've addressed this several times in other threads in much greater detail.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread and the responses. As a person who tries to reconcile past heterosexual experiences with a strong sense of being gay, it has been comforting to read that those two are not necessarily incompatible.

 

Damn, you all have so much more dating experience with girls than I have lol.

I just want to let you know, that when I was being intimate with the man, mentally I wasn't completely in it. Even when we made out and whatnot, I found that something was missing, it's that feeling when you just know.