I don't know what to do. I've always questioned my sexuality (in the very back of my mind, and then forced it away when it got too in depth) and until today I was so sure I was straight but just curious. Now I think I might possibly be a lesbian, but I desperately don't want to be. I have nothing against the lgbt community at all, I think everyone deserves to be happy no matter what. But I'm terrified of what this means for me. Is it normal for a heterosexual person (I'm 20) to be this confused? Is there still the chance I'm straight? I look at guys and appreciate how they look but I look at girls more. I fantasise about girls, but I've read that that is normal for straight people to do as well. I know my family won't accept it (I have a gay uncle who no one in the family really talks to anymore and who they all make fun of). I live in a flat with 4 other girls and I am terrified that they will feel uncomfortable around me . We're really close and will often chat to each other if one of us is in the shower/bath, we cuddle on the couches and wander around with little clothing on (well they do the last part, I'm too self conscious). I'm scared they will think I've been perving on them the whole time when I honestly haven't. I just really want to live a normal life with a happy family and all of that clichéd stuff, but how am I supposed to do that now? I wouldn't even know how to begin finding a girl (if I'm even gay??). It's not as though I'm exactly a catch, so the chances of a someone actually wanting to be with me be they boy or girl at next to 0. I wish I could just curl up and never have to face this or the world again. I've never been in a relationship. Anytime someone approaches me in a romantic way I think they must have a bet in with a friend somewhere to see who can get with the ugly lassie, or they are just really really drunk and I will become the butt of a joke to them and their friends. Anyway that's enough self pity for one post I think... I'm sorry for being so ridiculously pathetic I just needed to get that all off my chest, and where better than somewhere no one knows who you truly are?
Sounds like most of this could have been written by me. I'm 23 and still questioning, although I'm getting the feeling that I'm a lesbian. Always knew I wasn't straight, but like you I just pushed it to the back of my mind and ignored it. That backfired on me a few months ago when I started having feelings for one my my female friends. I can't tell if you're straight or not (only you can), but I've found that reading these forums and talking with other lgbt people helps. If you know any lgbt people or have an lgbt center in your area, that may help also. I'm currently seeing a counselor about my confusion. If you have an lgbt center nearby, they may be able recommend a gay-friendly therapist. If you're in school you may also be able to talk to your school counselors. As for the last bit of your post, remember that while looks are one factor of attraction, don't discount personality and confidence. You have something you're good at yes? Something you're passionate about? Go out and do what you're good at. People will notice.
Thank you for your reply. I wrote that last night when I was feeling horrible, and now reading it back I'm actually a little embarrassed! Especially about the bottom part. (I don't normally think like that about myself to that extreme, I was just having a freak out) After a lot of soul searching last night, and reading through all of these forums, I'm know at least that I'm not 100% straight. It's so nice though to hear someone else say that they feel like that as well. I think I'm going to try and see a counsellor, although the thought terrifies me! You seem like you're working through things really well, I'm sure you will find happiness. Thanks again for your reply.
Pleased you are in a better place today Lou95. It's certainly not unusual to experience feelings of confusion at the age of 20. For some people the feelings of confusion can come much later in life and it can be profoundly shocking when it happens. At 20, it's quite normal. When I read your original posting I thought there was something of a disconnect in what you said. You described yourself as straight (but curious), but you also said that you have always questioned your sexuality - so, this questioning/confusion isn't really a new feeling at all. Could it be a suppressed feeling that continues to return with greater strength every time? There are many reasons why this might be the case, including a level of guilt or shame (see the stages of acceptance under the resources tab for more info about this). When we've lived amongst people who view the world through a more narrow mindset, we take on board their words and reactions to LGBT issues more than we care to imagine. On a conscious level we may support LGBT rights and people, but on a sub-conscious level we are still influenced by what we heard or experienced. It's precisely this scenario that can add to layers of guilt and shame. Seeking help from a counsellor may help you to unpeel some of the layers and help you find answers. It is scary and does require a level of engagement and good degree of self work, but it can help you to move forward too. It sounds like a good idea.
Hi PatrickUk, Thank you for your reply. To be honest I think I just really wanted to tell myself I am straight. I know it's stupid but I just really wanted to have the easy way out. I know my family are not okay about lgbt issues and have always said that they ar so thankful none of us are gay. I have always questioned it but I go through periods of a month or so where I'll be convinced it was just a phase and that it was normal curiosity. However certain events in the last couple of days have forced me to change that opinion. I think last night everything came to a head and when I wrote that message I was desperately looking for someone to say "Nope, you're definitely straight, it's totally normal to be so confused" and tried to emphasise or prove my "straightness" to everyone. I still really want to be straight, but I'm starting to see that it might not be the case.
No need to be embarrassed. I think it helps to talk things out. And yea, I was so nervous right before my first therapy appointment that I couldn't even eat anything. It took me a few weeks before I was able to even make an appointment. I'm glad I'm going though.
