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am I denying the truth

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by crystallight268, Mar 25, 2015.

  1. crystallight268

    Regular Member

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    I feel as though I'm denying the fact that I like girls. I keep thinking that this whole thing is just a phase and that I'm actually straight. Even though I know that all of this is real. Its just very hard for me to accept the fact that I could be a lesbian because of my past. Or possibly bi. I keep telling myself that I'm not gay and that I'm not attracted to my friend that I like and that this is all just a phase. I just can't accept the fact that im attracted to girls in some way. I don't even know if im still attracted to boys. I don't know what to do. This whole experience is giving me bad anxiety and giving me bad butterflies from worrying. I just want this whole thing to be over.
     
  2. kellynec

    Regular Member

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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm kind of on the same boat as you. Here's some help:

    Have you EVER felt STRONG sexual and/or sexual attraction to boys? Have you EVER been able to masturbate to them and climax?
     
  3. LooseMoose

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    I am also a Kinsey 5 and it is a difficult spot on the scale, so I know how you feel.
    What helped me to gradually accept my orientation is to think of it as *preference*, rather than in black and white absolutes, because if you think about it in absolutes gay v. straight, it is easy to start wondering again & have the hope that you could be straight/ bisexual.

    Calm down- you are not imagining anything.

    Could you elaborate a bit more what you mean about your past?

    As a rule the past is not always an adequate predictor of the future: what is now is most important.
     
  4. crystallight268

    Regular Member

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    What I meant by my past was that I was bullied severly for the way I dress. I'm a tomboy and I have a short hair cut and dress very masculine. I was called gay and other homophobic slurs. I'm just scared that that might happen again if I do come to terms that I'm gay and come out.
     
  5. LooseMoose

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    I am sorry this happened to you.
    I think as strange as it sounds, the way to approach it, would be to treat the issue of your sexuality, your coming out, and your gender presentation as separate issues and enforce boundaries between them.

    1) gender presentation:
    you are who you are and you dress accordingly. In a way your sexuality has nothing to do with this. I know they might be interlinked, because many gay women do present in a masculine manner, but it is also possible to be bisexual, or even straight and present in a masculine manner, so dealing with the bulling because of your presentation could maybe be done separately to dealing with your sexuality.
    In a way you already experienced the worst of it-visually, behaviourally you are different to what is expected from a girl- people gang up on difference regardless on *what* it is based. I suspect being or not being gay might not make such a significant difference, since you are already not conforming.
    It is not an ideal environment to come out either, so I would just really stick to standing up for yourself and protect your right to present the way you do, and 'own' your presentation as it is, without it being linked to your sexuality.
    You are a tomboy, for everyone around this is all there is to it: you could be straight or bisexual and you would still be a tomboy. End of story.

    2) Sexuality and coming out

    Sexuality is something that might take time to come to terms with, and it is a gradual process.
    It is separate from coming out: there is no need to come out once you figure out your sexuality. It is your private matter, it is entirely up to you to be gay or bi and don't come out about it until you are absolutely ready to do so.

    You have a right to present in a masculine/tomboy manner without anyone making any assumptions about your sexuality. I strongly advise you against coming out until you are in a safe situation and are comfortable with it.

    So you are gay, or bisexual, and you know it, people 'accuse you of being gay' or bully you because of it, you have stand your ground: this is absolutely none of their business.
    It might be difficult to do, but assert your boundaries and protect yourself.


    - Accepting your sexuality, does not have to mean that you will have to come out about it.

    - Your sexuality is private, nobody has rights to make assumptions about it: protect your boundaries with regards to it, and only come out if you feel safe/ready to do so.

    - You are understandably worried that once you accept yourself, your sexuality will become more 'visible' to others, and this will make you more vulnerable.

    This does not have to be the case- the fact that you are different is already visible because of your gender presentation- you have to deal with it as it already is, but you still have the right and power to keep your sexuality private until you are ready to come out-nobody has the right to make assumptions about it.

    I know they did, and will continue to do so, but what you can do is to protect your boundaries, and don't expose your vulnerabilities to them.

    Once you come to terms with your sexuality it will give you more peace and strength, take your time with it and don't involve in the process anyone whom you don't trust.
     
  6. woahthatsboring

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    I completely understand. Sometimes people feel the need to question a lot and others do it all the time. I think maybe you should evaluate your feelings for both sexes and see what you come up with again. You could also do research but time heals all I think you will know for sure in time
     
  7. crystallight268

    Regular Member

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    No I have never been able to masturbate to a guy and climax. I'm not sure about a girl yet.