Hey everyone, I registered here over a year ago, wrote a few posts, then completely disappeared. I was in a very bad place at the time, trying to figure out my sexuality, probably depressed and most definitely lost. I won't lie and say that I am in a good place today, because I'm not. I am suffering from a pretty bad depression, but I still can't ask for anyone's help. It's not in my nature, and it has never been. When I feel hurt, I put as much distance as I can between me and everyone else, and I go lick my wounds somewhere private and lonely. And I can't seem to be able to act otherwise. Anyway, that's not my point. A year ago, when I first registered here, I thought I was bisexual, with a deeper attraction towards women. I now realise that I was lying to myself, trying to convince myself that I experienced sexual attraction towards people, and that I had enjoyed making out with my boyfriend all these years ago. Truth is, now that I truly think about it, I hated it. I liked the cuddling and hugging part of the relationship, loved it actually, but it was it. Funny how the brain works. How it will manipulate you, coerce you into thinking and feeling things you wouldn't normally think and feel. Last June, I found my way to AVEN (thanks to this place, actually), and I finally figured out what I am. I am asexual. A panromantic asexual, with a strong penchant for the homoromantic side of the spectrum. I am asexual, and that's okay. I am not interested in having sex, ever, and that's okay. I also found out that I am agender, and that is okay as well. It took me a while to get there, though. At first, I hated myself for being asexual. I felt broken. I felt like a monster, an abomination. But I made an amazing friend there, and she helped me accept my asexuality. She helped me accept myself and feel better about it. Then in August, I came out to my best friend, who took it very well. He's still struggling with his bisexuality, so I'm helping him with that, even though he's growing more and more accepting of himself every day. I came out to two other friends. One identifies as demisexual, so she was great. The other is a bit confused by it, maybe even sceptical at times, but she tells me she wants me to be happy. And that's good enough for me. Another friend did not react as I expected her to, and her reaction hurt me, but I don't care. Not anymore. I even fell in love. Hard. The other person told me she loved me before I could tell her how I felt about her, and I was just so thrilled. We were happy for a while, but then she broke my heart. Into a million pieces. I'm slowly recovering. It still hurts every single day, but I'm moving on. I am not ready to try and be in a relationship any time soon, but that's okay. I have time. I know what I want now. I know what I am. I know who I am. And even though I have been feeling so down for so long now, I do feel good about my sexuality and my gender and how I feel for other girls. None of this would have been possible if it hadn't been for this very place. So thank you, every one of you. There are still some very dark days ahead of me, but they will be made easier by my acceptance of my sexuality and my identity, and none of this would have happened if I had not found this place. Thank you, so much.
