Hi, I've always been really confused about my sexuality and sexual identification, any help or advice would be appreciated. I came out to my best friends when I was about 14 as gay, after going through it with my school counsellor. Started dating a girl, it was incredible. Then a couple of years down the line I really fancied this boy and so I figured maybe I was bi and have run with that since and I'm happy to date either gender (provided im attracted to them of course) however this then changed when i started dissociating from partner's genders and not seeing them AS a gender and a friend suggested I could be pansexual, which would make complete sense to me but some days I wake up and I feel through and through ONLY attracted to women and find them unbelievably physically attractive, others days actively dislike them and am instead attracted to men (and visa versa) other days the topic of gender means nothing to me and Im physically attracted to JUST them, genitalia uninvolved. With regards to my own gender. There are days when I feel ultra feminine and want to be treated as such but other days I have this almighty urge to cut my hair short and spiky (done it a few times) and dress like a guy and I fantasise about having a penis (not always sexually, just sometimes having one) Somedays I like to mix it up and clash the two polar opposite genders! I'm sorry for going on so long and I'm sorry it sounds like a mess but in my head it is just that. I know I should just relax about it and let go off my anxiety around it. I'm so supportive of people orientations or identities it's just scaring me that I can flip flop so dramatically, I obviously can't have a sex change every time I flip in to wanting to be a guy! I just don't know what any of this means. I'm in a long term relationship with a guy which makes it hard because I love him but somedays his body, I hate but other days I love it. He makes me very happy and I don't plan to leave him I just would like to know more about me so that maybe I could explain it to him one day. I just can't explain something i don't know. ATM the world knows me as a female bisexual but I don't have a clue and I don't know what to do or who to go to. Please help. (Thanks for reading) M
Hello there and welcome to EC. Being in a relationship can complicate things to the point that you might start doing things you really don't want to, just to avoid hurting your partner or boyfriend. Doesn't have to be like this, but I've seen it before, it seems pretty common. It can happen when you are 16, 35 or 70. Nobody wants to hurt anyone, specially a boyfriend or husband. On the other hand, if you are not honest, you are going to make it worse for both. Do you think he'd be ok if you agreed to wait until you have figured things out? Doesn't mean you have to break up with him, you could tell him you just need some time on your own.
Hi Michael Thank you so much for getting back to me. He wouldn't have a problem, he's really incredible and very understanding, I'm also going through some other things at the moment that he's supporting me with, I just haven't shared this with him because I don't know how to phrase it without scaring him (which in all honesty I may well be over dramatising because knowing him he'd just be fine)! I know I need to be true to myself and sometimes I struggle because I'm afraid I'll upset someone or they won't accept me (which I'm learning to overcome because actually my partner is a safe person to be vulnerable with, I just need to keep reminding myself of that) On the days when I don't find him physically attractive there's still a love there and I don't want to break up with him/take a time out unless it is essential. I know I'm not gay, otherwise I would be attracted to him so often so I don't think leaving to figure it out would help, I think I'd be more miserable... If that made ANY sense
I'm like that as well. My attractions fluctuate day by day, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to hold on to the fact that I could be bi.