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Looking for opinions

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by PurpleMushroom, Mar 29, 2015.

  1. PurpleMushroom

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Huddersfield
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    Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read this and wanting to help.

    I want to start off by saying, that sexuality is a hard thing to discover. Some people have told me, strait up that I am bi as if they know how I feel but, I don't feel like it is that strait forward.

    Once upon a time when I was about 11 I had my first boyfriend. I didn't quite understand it at that age, I only agreed to letting him be my boyfriend because nobody had asked me out before. I was exited by the idea of love, but I didn't love him, all we did was walk around the play ground holding hands.
    I moved schools and never saw him again. I remember one day I was in the car going to school with my mum and she said, "I wouldn't mind if you came out as a lesbian... Just so you know." That got the ball rolling for me, I opened my mind a little and soon realised I had a crush on one of my school friends, a girl. I came out as lesbian to her and she freaked out, running away screaming.
    I never let the thought come into my mind again until later on.
    I had a few boyfriends but not because I wanted them, but because they wanted me. I never really said no to anyone, mainly because I was pressured into it for all sorts of different reasons.
    I had an experimental relationship with one of my friends, that had realised she was attracted to me. She was strait and she knew it, but at the same time here she was with me... exploring each others body. There was no oral or penetration but it was the first time I was ever really intimate with someone.
    I publicly came out as bi and people soon realised what was going on with me and my friend. She got so angry at me because she didn't want any one to know about us, and I respected that so we didn't really talk much after that.
    I've had tones of crushed on my school friends and the odd celebrities. All where female apart from the odd gay guy I had a crush on. For some reason strait men have never appealed to me.
    I tried coming out to my family. First my cousin who is like a sister to me. She was weirded out about it and we have never talked about it since. I tried to come out to my mum but she wouldn't have it and she gave me the "faise" talk. She then tried to tell me that their is no such thing as bis and that you are either straight or bi. I even tried coming out to my grandad but he got offended and said "don't be silly".
    I tried to talk my self out of the thoughts I was having about women, and even though the whole school was calling me a greedy bisexual and making my life hell for it, I tried to think straight as possible.
    Apart from the odd kiss with a drunken friend here and there I have been successful in thinking straight. But I struggled with keeping any relationships. Most people broke up with me after a week because "it didn't feel right". And the odd person that fell in love with me I broke up with them because someone else came along that wanted me.
    I eventually settled down with someone, a man. We had an unplanned child and started living together. He was the first person I ever had sex with, even though I never really felt right with him. He asked me to marry him the night we found out I was pregnant and I said yes even though everything inside of me was screaming NO!!!
    We soon stopped having sex, and it wasn't until our son was one that we started having sex again. But it was boring, and I dreaded it. I had it as little as I could and was more turned off by the idea of sex then turned on.
    I started having dreams about being with women, it was every night and it was beginning to fill my mind constantly. He already knew I was bisexual because people never stopped reminding me of it. I told him I was having doubts about getting married, because of my dreams of going behind his back to be with women.
    He came up with the idea of looking for a woman to sleep with me, and it was up to me weather he would be there or not and I said he could stay and watch if he wants. We started going on a swingers Website to find couple who had the same thing in mind. We didn't find women but it didn't take long until we met a guy who was interested. We thought it was worth a try, to try and bring back that thing that was missing. We met him but my other half decided he didn't trust the guy we met enough to go any further then coffee. Half a year later we still hadn't gotten back to looking, and I was desperate for something to save my love life.
    I rarely go out, and I don't have much of a social life, so the only person I could think or was the guy we met. I decided I would contact him and arrange to meet up and have a raunchy exchange.
    I changed my mind at the last second, and decided not to meet him. I told my other half what I had intended and he was angry. I think I slightly hoped he would break up with me but we are still together.
    He told me he would never trust me like he did before, and the idea of bringing a third person into the bedroom is out of the question.
    We haven't had sex in a while now, and all I can think about is women, I really am not interested in him at all any more but as soon as I think about other women I instantly become aroused.
    I don't know what to do... I'm incomplete with him, but he is my best friend, and even though I don't want to have sex with him or anything like that I still love him. And I feel that breaking up would be hard for us, as we have a child and a home together.

    Any opinions?
     
  2. Vesalius

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That was a long read :slight_smile:

    I'm not an expert in any capacity but as someone who identifies as bisexual and having experienced growing up with thoughts about women my advice to you really is that if you are unhappy and as you say "incomplete" with your current partner then you owe it to yourself to make a change. That doesn't necessarily mean breaking up if that isn't the right thing for you.

    If you are having these feelings towards women then maybe you should try exploring them now that you are older, more mature and perhaps a little more able to understand them. The great thing about sexuality is that it is fluid. You also don't have to make a definitive decision about who you are or what you identify as. If you called yourself a bisexual in the past but now realise you are straight or a lesbian or whatever label you want to use, you are allowed to change your mind and no one can force you to be something which you know you are not just because you might have thought you were when you were younger.

    Anyway you need to put yourself and your child first. Living in an unhappy and frustrated environment isn't good for you or your partner and child. You should never have to settle in life. :slight_smile: take care and I hope you can work through this.
     
  3. Twyla

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Hampshire
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I completely agree with what Vesalius said. :thumbsup:

    Also, yes, change is hard... but not harder than being in a relationship that is without trust or love. Life is short. Health and happiness are extremely important for you and your child. Don't be afraid of making room for better in your life. Change is good and necessary. I wish you all the best. (*hug*)