Ive been in a relationship since November with a woman, I'm male, until recently when she's been pushing me away... I was arrested, she had to bail me out... long story... but since before then I had been feeling insecure... she was looking to see me less and less over time... opportunities for sex less and less... I think its been difficult for me to please her sexually... so I guess the 'fire' is missing... Regardless I was getting insecure... and possessive... something I recognised and backed off... We always used to smoke weed outside with her gay friend, which made me feel uncomfortable... it excluded me from the conversation... and I'm a bit phobic around gay guys... not sure how to treat them... brain spasms... but now I'm thinking it was just her trying to help me 'come out' to myself... that the whole thing was just her trying to 'help me'... we spoke about everything ... she knew me well... so if that was the case I owe it to her and to myself to explore things properly... So here I am... trying to honestly determine if I have repressed homosexual urges... Recently in my private moments I try to imagine sex with men, HOCD type checking... but not to determine if I am aroused by men, but to try honestly to actually get aroused by men.. so I pull up videos, but the ones with anal sex put me off, seems like a violation to me, or at the least it doesn't seem like fun... although I've never tried it so I have no point of reference... so I go check oral sex videos, try force myself to be turned on, but that doesn't work, so I go to just pictures of naked men, and that doesn't work for me either... I just end up disinterested, turned off... I even try thinking about being submissive, or dominant. Nothing works. I mean these are my private moments, I have no reason to fake or force anything... I don't dream of homosexual sex either, never have, although I have not had dreams of heterosexual sex either in years... then I have a dream last night of a female version of myself staring glaringly at me... the emotion was dread... So yeah I have some issues to deal with... I am phobic about being around gay guys... and I know that's the first sign right... of repressed homosexuality... I'm not violent to them, or want to hurt them or anything like that, I just feel anxious around them... don't feel comfortable with them around... I'm not particularly 'manly' I don't really watch sport... not good at sport... or have a dominating personality... not well built... I'm a computer programmer... nerd... and I think that's cool... rather be smart than the type of jock that bullied me at school by calling me 'queer'... but everyone keeps telling me to 'man up' which irritates because I want to just be who I have evolved to be... it all just gives me a complex... I do wish I was more confident... secure... positive.... in myself... Anyway, I really enjoyed sex with my ex, I wish for that again, best I've ever had, most of my fantasies still get to her sooner or later... and pornography with solo woman, two woman, or any combination of woman and men gets me over the line... so to speak... but i'm not even sure that counts for anything any more... I was chatting to a new woman via online dating last week, and she eluded that she may be naked... I was instantly aroused... does that count for anything? So my question is, may I have repressed homosexual desires I need to deal with, is this something that would cause a type of damage to my confidence and to my positivity in general and make me more insecure? I don't seem to fit any known stereotype... and people challenge me on that point, I challenge myself on that point... I basically need to find my confidence... regardless of my orientation... otherwise I will attract no one...
First of all, just because you have homophobic tendencies doesn't mean you're gay. I'm sure it would be a homophobe's worst nightmare to be gay, so if you suspect you are, that can certainly make you feel insecure.
Not everyone is comfortable around LGBT's, and that's okay. I think for me, the reason why I was a bit uncomfortable around them was because I was worried of what my friends would say. Since I have SAD, it prevented me from exploring my attractions early on. In your case, it may have to do with homophobia or nothing to do with it at all. Homophobia doesn't mean that you're gay, there's a lot more to it than just that.
I was homophobic at a way younger age but in my opinion you cannot force yourself to watch gay porn to determine if you have homosexual tendencies. You have to really have an experience. Kiss a gay man you know and have some kind of connection with. Honestly, I advise against sex unless you know the person very well and even then I would get screened for STI's with that person. Also, sexually is so complex that you might as well be a 2 on the Kinsely scale instead of a 3. If you don't know the scale, it goes like this 0-2 hetero, 3 bisexual, 4-6 homo.
@Deadsouls You don't necessarily need to have an experience...fantasies can help people figure out their identities.
