Gay but on the Asexual Spectrum? physical/not sexual

Hi guys 32 y/o male here. Came out at 16 as gay, no problem, couldn't wait to get on with life and love etc

But

Over the years I've struggled.... because I just don't like the genital part of sex and its only since I hit 30 I've really started to reflect and think deep, and consider myself and what I want and like.

The thing is I'm VERY Physically attracted to certain men, I have crushes, fantasies etc..... but when it comes down to what I want to do with them it goes like this......

I love to hold hands
I love to cuddle
I love to spoon (both ways)
love to snuggle and neck
kiss, snog etc
be naked and relaxed with them.

BUT......

when it comes to genital grabbing it kinda feels annoying, I get erect on and off, but It doesn't 'feel' a big deal to me. also I don't particularly want to aim for their genitals either - or the anal area.

caressing and stroking buttocks etc is fine and lovely. but I find the expectation to get erect quite stressful, and the way guys focus in on either grabbing my dick or trying to insert something into my anus... Believe me I've gone along with it A LOT in the past, because i thought I ought to, and to keep my partner happy, but I always found it stressful, and sex became something I dreded (not that again).

The upshot is that I've been single a long time, and also not had sex in a long time too. But I really do want a cute partner and soul mate and someone I'm excited to be with..

I'm really trying to figure myself out, and whether I...

A, have a psychological problem with sex, an Issue I need to deal with and overcome
OR
B, this is my innate 'state' and unique sexuality which I should embrace and explore.

I've done a fair bit of reading into Asexuality, and I know you can be homo-romantic where you are romantically attracted to someone but not sexually. there are also labels such as 'demi-sexual' etc which is where you only develop sexual feelings after deep bonding etc.

BUT

I don't seem to fit into any category because my attraction is SO physical and SO aesthetic , in fact I'm quite fussy!! and I'm always eyeing men up..... far from any description of an asexual because the attraction IS sexual and bodily - I want to be ALL over that person, BUT...WITHOUT the genital focus - which may... or may not be on the cards further down the line.......

so in a way I am Demisexual as I think I'd get genitally aroused once I trusted that person - but that might be after several months - but Demisexuals don't have that physical attracted at the beginning which I do.

I just don't find a description of 'me' anywhere. My main problem is that gay guys are so sex focused, most aren't willing to 'wait' or to have anal sex etc off the menu etc - and hense I'd need to find someone compatible and 'like me'..... which is also compounded that I would also need to find THEM attractive still.

it sometimes feels like the odds are SO unlikely of finding the right guy.....

 

Thanks - its a complicated thing, and this is why its taken me years to figure out, I'll answer best I can...

1. Yes I do have sexual desires and fantasies, but I can manage those myself with porn which is also strange as although I'm very turned on by seeing certain things such as guys performing anal sex, its not something I want TO DO MYSELF. Also my libido comes and goes, I can be horny for 3 or 4 days, then not think about anything sexually for a month. I'm generally low-sexed, I thought about porn addiction being the problem at one stage - but its not addictive, I don't do it that much! its not consuming, its very casual... but it is my outlet when I need to. its as though my sexual drive which is intense but infrequent has always been separate to my dating/sexual/romantic desires.

2, I do imaging sex would get better as I grow trust with someone.... but no-one sticks around long enough, so I simply don't know that answer - I just feel it would.

3. I would never usually get an erection during sex, or for a sustained and I found it annoying and uncomfortable with guys trying to playing with my penis. I didn't like the sensation of oral sex given on me, it felt all wet 'uncomfortable' physically, and makes me feel like I need to urinate.
theres all sorts of physical things like that really. my balls and nipples are ultra sensitive and just hurt when played with. during sex it gets to the point where guys desperately try to make my dick do something and I'm like 'its not going to happen'. But it didn't frustrate me like a guy with erectile dysfunction would, in fact i think I was subconsciously glad, because if I had got erect he might have wanted to have kept going......and in a way I just wanted to move on and do something nice like spoon and sleep or put a movie on. also I think other guys semen is pretty gross, and although I tried not to show it it made me feel sick if i has it on me i.e. my hands after I wanted him off.
I just don't feel 'turned on' SEXUALLY with another guy there in my arms - I love all the body contact and intimacy - which I have no problem with and It feels more than simple erectile dysfunction, because I'm not actually WISHING I COULD....at that time! I am frustrated in HIM WANTING it not me not being able to do it.... if that makes sense.

I want to please the partner I'm with as I don't want them to reject me, but ultimately I have to let them go as i don't want and open relationship, and stress of the anticipation for sex just gets too much for me in the end.... thats why I feel I need to be with someone who is like me.... and then the weight would be lifted

I simply don't understand guys who say 'they can't live without sex' as I don't understand that consuming desire. Monogamy is SO easy for me - I've been single and sexless for years - had many offers but just not WANTED to. if I wanted to have sex - I'd do it! I've got no moral stance or judgement on it. I've gone with friends who are 'sexual' to sex clubs and everything, I'm very open minded, but it just amuses me - I'll be attracted to the guys - but not the act!!

Its sad as I crave that romantic passion so much, and feel I've got an awful lot to give someone. But feel like I shouldn't be on the dating scene if I can't offer a good satisfying sex package - otherwise how do I communicate what I can offer without putting people off?

ps Also I did give sex a good go, several partners.... many, many attempts - so its not as though i just 'haven't had it done right'
I stopped having sex because I thought 'why should i be doing this thing I think I should be doing'
Also noteworthy is that I identify as being HSP or 'highly sensitive person' - and i'm sure I'm somehow wired differently - HSP's find things overwhelming both physically and mentally such as heat variations, other peoples emotions etc etc - and hense becoming physically uncomfortable quickly!