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My secret

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by JOSCUL, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. JOSCUL

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    1
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    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    This is my greatest secret. I am sexually attracted to men. However I get huge anxiety and panic any time I think about the possibility that I could be gay. For twenty years now I have convinced myself that I am ‘normal’ or straight, and that in no way I could be gay. And for the most part, I have never really thought about it. Just put it under the carpet sort of thing.
    My whole life I have thought about the future; getting married, where we would live, raising a family, how I would do it differently to my parents, the normal stuff. Being gay has never been part of my plan. How do I even know that I am gay for sure? I have never been with a man. Should I trust my feelings, these sexual cravings? In my head, I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I feel like I have more of an emotional bond with women. But in the various encounters I have had with women, I have not had the same sexual desire that I have towards men. I am a virgin, and even though I have had various opportunities to have sex with girls, I have not. Surely this points towards the fact that I am gay. I just have a problem with the idea of spending the rest of my life with a man instead of a woman.
    In my ideology, I would have a girlfriend that I would marry by about the age of 30. And then have kids and live happily ever after. But I am only 20 now. So I don’t really need to start worrying about a girlfriend until I’m at least 27. This is what I tell myself anyways. I ignore the fact that I currently don’t have any sexual desire for women and tell myself that it will all work out. In the meantime, I am a virgin that on nights out isn't at all that interested about pulling girls, and fails to understand why my friends are in relationships with girls when they are so young. Of course it is the sexual part that I am missing. In order to continue living my life this way means not having sex. Must I spend the rest of my days asexual? Am I living a lie? I need to face up to the fact that I sexually prefer men, and then accept that I am gay. Except of course the thought alone gives me huge anxiety.
    Of course there are other reasons I want to be straight. My younger brother is gay, and I do feel some pressure to be straight because of that. My brother and I are very different people. He is overtly gay, and has always been very camp and feminine. We all knew he was gay before he told us. As for me, my family will be shocked. While I have sexual desires for the same gender, I am definitely not stereo-typically gay. In fact, the flamboyancy and femininity that is associated with the gay community is not attractive to me.
    So there you have it. I am seriously questioning myself. Any time I think about being gay I feel depressed, and the thought of coming out to my friends and family terrifies me. The easier option is to just remain in this limbo, but risking true happiness. I met a guy recently who I know to be gay and I am seriously crushing on him. But every time I see him or talk to him, I get huge anxiety. I am so scared of anyone finding out about my private thoughts. I do not want the label of gay, at least until I am sure that I am. I fear coming out and then realizing that I am straight, and ruining my chances with girls. Can I please get advice on how to deal with this anxiety? Any advice that would help me move on with my life would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
     
  2. Deadsouls

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    57
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    Location:
    Lancaster, Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    First, don't label your sexuality if it bothers you so much. You can identify under genderqueer as of now. Second, you need to get over your anxiety and either get an lgbt therapist but they will tell you the same thing in a more concrete and detailed manner. Coming out is when you know you are gay or bi for sure. You are 20 so you don't have to deal with living with your parents or the usual problems LGBTQ teens face.
     
  3. itsmary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
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    179
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    Location:
    Spain
    First of all, welcome to our community. I'm sure you will find a lot of helpful advices here!

    Secondly, just don't worry so much. Your brother is gay, right? That makes things easier for you. Your family has already accepted that fact ( I guess) and you won't find problem coming out to them. But first you have to accept who you are and create a different future plan.

    It was difficult for me to imagine a future without a husband and kids. It was really hard, to be honest. But I learnt that you only live once. You have to enjoy what you are because being gay is just as amazing as being straight. You will find a good man and marry if that's what you want and your family and friends will love you not matter what because that's what they are supposed to do.

    Just be happy friend :slight_smile: