hi guys I posted on here a while ago but I'm still being bothered by the same probls but there are new developments I'm 18 years old and prior to this I considered myself 100% straight and I was always very liberal supporting gay marriage being friends with Multiple gay people and it never bothered me, I was who I was and 100% comfortable in that skin. I have had a problem with OCD for aslong as I can remember. I have had fixations and intrusive thoughts about a massive range of things. it's like I've being bullied by my own head, I remember the conscious thought of my brain trying to work out a way it could wreck me having a normal life, it started I was terrified I was going deaf and wouldn't be able to get my dream job because of that, however the solution to that obsession was simple I got a hearing test and it came back my hearing was above average.. I strangely enough still doubted the validity of the test. My obsessive trump card was played when I thought I looked a bit camp one day the thought latched on and started asking question like what if your relationship didn't work out because you're deep in the closet or what if that one time you couldn't preform it's because of the same reason. From that point on things got really really bad I was convinced I was a homosexual I lost all attraction and arousal to girls (something I'd had since I started primary school) and every guy became the most attractive person on the planet.. I began testing to see if I was aroused by gay porn I never was but I was always sroused by the hetrosexual equivalent everytime. This alleviated my anxiety for a short period of time until my brain deciphered another way to bring me back down. This process went on for months until I tried to fantasise about the same thing the vast majority of the time nothing would happen at all but over the course of say... 6 months I managed to become semi aroused physically, not an erection per say but at least a half erection. I apologise for the descriptive nature of this but I feel it nesesary to be honest as possible. When I do it sometimes though It definetly grows and swells a bit to say perhaps 10% of full size and no matter how hard I try I cannot get it to grow further into an actual erection. whether if I relax myself whilest doing so or intensely try to turn myself on it just isn't able to develop beyond this 10-20% growth. This however is enough to trigger my anxiety in a big way and has caused me to honestly try and come out to myself and embrace bisexuality (I know I'm not gay, I always get an erection easily when doing something as simple as talking to a girl I like, I've also loved a female more than I can express) I just cannot accept this identity for myself I DONT WANT to be in a relationship with another man, I don't want to have sex with another man, I dont want to get married and have a life with another man, and I've never ever met male ive had feelings for, I love my mates like brothers but it's a very clear and distinct diffrent in feeling to that which I feel for women, in terms of both intensity and the very nature of the feeling itself. I just can't accept that I would be bisexual, but I feel the fact I can experience what I assume is a degree of arousal to gay fantasies-which I force upon myself and had never had one prior to my worrying- leaves me feeling trapped into an orientation that does not belong to me. In the times when I feel okay I begin to worry about other things is being a peadophile or a psychopath that will hurt those I love, and begin to experience false emotions to this aswell. If someone could shed some light on this Id appreciate it greatly I can't afford therapy and I don't want to take drugs that may impair my ability to function and I have overcome everything that's ever stood in my way myself without help, but this has gone on so long, this would be the happiest time of my life if I wasn't haunted by this demon inside forcing something on to me. I apologise for the length of my post however given the complex nature of this subject I feel it important all facts are considered. Many thanks.
If you have to force yourself to have an erection for a guy, in person, not porn, then I would suggest you aren't really attracted to guys. I would concentrate on trying to adjust your OCD thinking in general. Therapy has helped me with my ADD and slowing down my thought processes when they start running away. Also helps to remember your inner critic could be in there egging you on in evaluating and re-evaluating things you should be able to settle.
I can't get one at all to porn.. I find gay porn Hmm, it's hard to explain its not arousing it's kinda very graphic and what not it's kinda like seeing like a cut or like a car accident it's out of the ordinary.. But it's definetly not arousing. The fantasies I force on myself surely mean something if I can force myself to be aroused even to the tiny degree that there must be something in it? Could It just be the fact it's a sexual act and triggers that part of my brain? And that's an intresting point and one I shall look into further.
Agree with kindy14. I think the OCD thinking is the problem here, not any sort of attraction to guys. The key is that you don't want these thoughts. You don't like these thoughts. A lot of people in denial don't like the potential consequences and implications of the same-sex thoughts they have, but basically all like the thoughts themselves. And it seems pretty clear from your wording that you don't- I mean, same-sex porn never aroused you, and you've never been able to get fully aroused by thinking about guys in months of thinking about them. About the point on being semi-erect from guys: for most guys, if you think sexually for long enough, it doesn't much matter what you're thinking about; something will happen downstairs after some time. So ask yourself- do you enjoy thoughts of being intimate, romantic, involved with guys? Do you like the feeling you get from that? I'm not just talking about the mechanics of getting hard, but actively liking the feelings guys give you and wanting to seek them out or at least enjoy them. It very much sounds like these feelings on guys for you range from "nope, I'd rather think about women" to "meh". You say you have to force these feelings upon yourself, and that for me is the main thing to take from your post- if you really liked these feelings, there wouldn't be this feeling of them being forced. You might downplay them, or rationalise them, or refuse to acknowledge them- but instead of forcing yourself to think about them you'd be forcing yourself not to think about them. It sounds like you're very much straight to me- please try and get help for your OCD, I know it's easier said than done but it seems to be the root of all this, and many other things you also mentioned.
I would say that sometimes there is an illusion of enjoyment like I'll be sure I'm aroused an ill look down and there will be nothing, the overriding emotion there is anxiety whilest doing that and the second I stop imagining, the weird tingles and etc just immediately stop and I feel normal, by comparison to the fact I feel a fair bit diffrent I feel a much more intense all over feeling towards women The fantasies are unwanted, imagining being with a guy is weird.. It makes my feel odd, rather uncomfortable, it's actually difficult to imagine it's very very alien. When someone advised I try it out I was actually annoyed by the suggestion it was just not something I wanted to do. feel happy and Content and warm when I imagine a life with a girl. It just makes me happy, but I feel like this is being stolen from me. I think I should, my obsessions wrecked a really special relationships cause my thoughts wouldn't let me trust her. Thanks for your opinions guys
Hey just an update if you guys could maybe help me with. So I discovered I was able to achieve an erection to just about anything if I tried hard enough, my only strong immediate sexual responses were to women, all my fantasies etc and until that point all my dreams... Since I had that one thought about the fact I didn't have gay dreams I have had 3, this is literally the first three times I've had them. And they came just as I was beginning to become happy and comfortable within my heterosexuality. The thing is, they aren't like straight up sex, but they are almost like I'm testing my responces in my sleep. Both have revolved around to separate friends who in the dreams tried to make sexual contact with me, the first time I ran away in the dream the second time, it felt the way it does when I used to get anxious and test my responces ie.. Not sexually arousing but a weird tingling, I then checked my groin IN THE DREAM and found I was aroused. What does all this mean? Why is it as soon as I begin to become comfortable with identity this stuff starts happening? I've never ever had gay dreams before, only ones about girls before now even at the height of my obsession and I don't wake up horny like I would with girls I wake up with a tight chest and massive anxiety, struggling to breathe properly. Any help would be appreciated.
Your worries do carry through to your dreams, so I would not take your sudden spat of gay dreams as anything necessarily. So the more you worry, the more your dreams are going to bend towards those worries. You are probably correct that your subconscious is testing your responses. Finding in the dream that you were aroused, what was your reaction to that? If you are waking up with massive anxiety I'd say you aren't comfortable with it. Yeah, it's difficult to explain getting hard to a sexy car, but it happens to me on occasion. (Does that make me an autosexual??) Or how about when your a passenger and driving down a bumpy road... I can tell you that when I felt crushes in my teens, it was the same feelings for boys as I had for girls. It wasn't confusing at all. Expressing and embracing it was the hard part for me.
In my dream it was only physical arousal, I didn't feel horny or whatever. Yeah man that makes sense that my subconscious would be logging details of what I was thinking about! It's super awkward some of the things I can create a sexual responce too..the only real major and common one is girls! I've never had a crush on a guy, ive admired guys, I've thought "he's a handsome fella, what can I do to be more like that" but never he's hot let's make out like I do with girls Ahah Thanks for your help bud I appreciate it.
No problem, sexuality is complex enough without adding anxiety and depression in among the mix. Every stray sexual or other thought that goes across your mind isn't necessarily YOU thinking it. There are a lot of parts to your mind, the inner critic can be a particularly nasty one.
Ok first advice you posting multiple times here is you OCDing itself, don't ask for assurance as it will just make things worse. as of now it doesn't matter what you are, you don't need to be sure that you are straight or gay or bi . You were straight till now n when you have crushes just pursue them irrespective of gender. Just be calm n think it doesn't matter ....eventually things will clear up n you will know.... I suffered from post traumatic OCD themed around sexuality...only difference being that I m gay n I thought I might be straight or that my sexuality will suddenly change one day, I fell deeper in the pit trying to affirm ... OCD is like quick sand don't play into it
Yeah man, I totally get what your saying, I don't see myself having a crush on a guy any time soon, I can be really good friends but that's as far as those feelings will develop, where as with girls I can have some pretty strong emotions towards them quite often. Just to clarify about what I said above as well, when I notice a man is "handsome" it's in a totally none sexual way, just an awareness that he looks smart or cool and that Id like to look like that or something similar.
