My sexual orientation confuses me. The first crush I ever had was on a girl who rode my bus. When I was in high school I developed a crush on a close female friend, though it didn't last very long. I also developed a crush on a guy, but he was gay, so that also didn't last. Around the same time, I learned how to masturbate. Usually the subjects of my fantasies were girls. And then I fell head over heels for one of my straight best friends and it was super painful and awkward. I'd never felt so attracted to someone and I haven't since. The thing is, I'm not sure where I stand now. I feel like there's a discrepancy between my romantic and sexual orientation. I'd say about 99% of the porn I watch involves men and men only. So either gay porn or solo male porn. And sometimes I do fantasize about being with guys myself. But lately I don't find that lesbian or female porn interests me at all, and when I fantasize sexually about women, it feels weird to me. But I feel like if I was already romantically attracted to a girl, I would easily feel comfortable having sex. But when it comes to guys and romance? I feel scared. I can't tell if this is a, "I'm not genuinely attracted to men so this is awkward" scared or "I'm afraid you" scared. I... came from an interesting background. My mother was molested, raped, and traumatized and she has not received adequate treatment for her mental health problems. As a kid I was raised to fear men, believe that every man is potentially a rapist or pedophile, and never trust or be alone with a man. My mom was thrilled when I told her I thought I might like girls - so much that she pretty much decided that I was a lesbian. She's asked me a few times if I'm 100% gay but she seems to ignore my responses. I feel more than anything like she just wants me to be gay because it would ease her anxiety, but I don't know if I'm actually gay. [TRIGGER WARNING] I also have some boundary issues. And by that I mean, I don't know how to defend my own boundaries. I have no self-esteem and I'm terrified of hurting, upsetting, or making other people angry. As a result, I let some bad things happen with a guy I met at a summer camp one year. We didn't go all the way, but he did some things to me that made me extremely uncomfortable and I was too afraid to do anything about it. I tried to make him stop but I didn't really try hard enough so yeah. What he did wasn't really that horrible compared to what some people have been through but I haven't completely gotten over that yet. [/Trigger Warning] So now when it seems like a guy might be interested in me, I feel panicked and scared. I realize that I probably have nothing to worry about, but I have no idea if my anxiety is because I'm scared of men, or because I'm just not attracted to them. I think deep down I'm afraid that I won't have the courage to protect myself if something goes wrong. It's an awful feeling. So yeah, I'm confused. And I'm feeling conflicted right now because there's a guy who likes me and he's very attractive and nice and I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
Putting aside the anxiety you get when around men, have you enjoyed kissing them? This is a major indicator. I think strong sexual desires override anxiety. A lot of people are nervous prior to engaging in sexual acts but that doesn't necessarily mean they enjoy it any less. And your feelings towards women? I think experimenting with a girl is the best way to get clarification, although it is true that you know your sexual desires before ever acting on them. For now, go with whatever feels right, you'll figure it out eventually! good luck
I've never kissed a dude. :icon_redf Except for the guy from summer camp, but that was unexpected and forceful and I was not prepared for it. So I don't think that counts. Would I want to try kissing a guy? Well, the thought definitely doesn't repulse me. I feel like I'd have to try it to find out for sure, though. As for girls, I'm not terribly worried. I'm pretty confident that if a woman comes along and we hit it off and wanna get together, things will be fine. It's just guys I'm confused about.
I'm not in the best place to be giving advice right now, however I can tell you that anxiety can make you feel crazy things and those things will feel as real as anything you've encountered prior to it emotionally, also if you have some prior trauma regarding men then it may affect your feelings towards them subconsciously. it sounds like you're quite comfortable with regards toward your same-sex attraction and your desire to experiment strikes me as leaving you at least bicurious to a greater or lesser extent. And in regards to the guy if you think there's even a little chemistry or spark then try it out see how it feels, if you like it great, if you don't great.
