Cognitive dissonance.

Although I haven't seen examples of what you are referring to on this site, I will make an effort to explain the phenomenon that you are describing.

Cognitive dissonance is a term that is used to describe the ways in which humans react when either two of their beliefs or their beliefs and behaviors conflict with one another. In terms of behavior, cognitive dissonance theory suggests that when our beliefs and behavior are in conflict with one another our minds will bend over backwards to rationalize either the belief or behavior and discount the other in order to put an end to the discrepancy.

All of that can appear very confusing so lets break this down by using an example on sexuality. (Preference when it comes to pornography is not the best identifier of sexuality. This is merely the first example that came to mind):

From a psychological health perspective, cognitive dissonance that involves beliefs about our personal image rather than our moral beliefs should be handled by reevaluating the belief. If we believe that there are certain things that we should refrain from doing for clear moral reasons, such as murder, that is usually a sound belief to have and continue to maintain. On the other hand, when it comes to identity in terms of gender or sexuality, our behavior is almost always more telling of our identity than our beliefs. Our beliefs are commonly formed based on social influences. Our behavior, such as what excites and draws us in sexuality or how we naturally express emotion and carry ourselves, have aspects about them that are much more based in true internal desire.

 

so you're saying Cognitive dissonance is a form of denial? j.w because this example directly relates to me.

 

Cognitive dissonance is the name of the conflict itself, but denial could absolutely be the way that we cope with the conflict. For instance, the smoker who knows that smoking is extremely unhealthy but convinces themselves that they are so addicted that not smoking would be the worse decision. They are coping with knowing that smoking is a bad habit by denying that it is a bigger threat than not smoking.

Likewise with the original example, someones who belief about their orientation and natural behavior conflict could very well either deny that their behavior is connected or avoid the behavior all together. "John" might prevent himself from watching suggestive videos of men to avoid feeling conflicted and forced to challenge his belief about his sexuality; or he might continue to be aroused and masturbate to men but attempt to convince himself that it is only a fantasy and he isn't actually interested in men.

It is really only a fancy word for "cognitive disconnect". There is a disconnect between our beliefs and our behaviors or two separate beliefs. It is how we rationalize our behavior.

 

this makes me wonder if all the girls ive chased and slept with while engaging in homosexual pornography was a way of disconnect..

 

I'd just like to add what Gen already explained rather well, is that the basic meaning of the words really hold the clue to what the expression means:

"cognitive", means "of cognition" and "cognition" is basically all the processes relating to thinking, awareness and our way of acquiring knowledge of the world.
In other languages, such as Polish, they translate "cognitive" into a word which roughly means "getting to know".
"To recognise" is also another word related "cognition"

When we say "I reCognise this person"= we mean "I realise that I have already seen this person before/ or know their face/ or name"= " I realise that I already have some knowledge of this person".

So "cognition" could be said to mean "getting to know something and fitting it with my already existing mental picture of the world and of myself"

Now "dissonance"
In music it describes chords which are sounding unpleasant, and not harmonious.

It basically means when two or more sounds played together sound 'off' and 'out of tune'. This effect in music is used to darken the mood, create tension in a piece etc, (for example in a film the music played when a criminal creeps up on an unsuspecting victim would probably be full of dissonances).

So when we say "cognitive dissonance" we mean that something is out of tune between our experience and what we already know. Or something is out of tune between different versions of what we know.

Eg. I can hold the belief that all Germans are rude and be very discriminating against them, but then I will meet a very polite German: this will be the 'out of tune' part: my experience will be contradictory to what I think, and I will either have to adjust what I think of Germans, or deny the fact that the German I have met was polite.

Such a disconnect would itself would be no the same as "cognitive dissonance".
It would be consequence of the cognitive dissonance (conflict) between "thinking of yourself as straight", and "experiencing yourself as gay/bisexual".

So 'cognitive dissonance'= experience/behaviour/thoughts which are in conflict with the rest of understanding/ and thinking about ourselves and the world.

It is like finding a missing piece of puzzle which does not fit with the rest: the piece might be right for the puzzle- but fitting it, would mean that the whole puzzle has to be rearranged to accommodate that piece, so sometimes it is easier to deny the fact that the piece is from our puzzle, it dismiss it as 'wrong', to save ourselves the work from having to rearrange the whole damn thing.

Since a person might not want to change how they view themselves it would be logical that they engage in behaviour that denies or rationalises their experiences or behaviours.


So 'disconnect' and denial might be a *way* of coping with cognitive dissonance: eg. 'my behaviour and feelings contradict how I view myself as a person, I cannot be doing this, I am not the kind of person who does this kind of thing'= denial and dissociation from own feelings or behaviours.



It can lead to a reaction. It happens sometimes: a person will engage in contradictory behaviour to mask their true feelings: eg. somebody who is afraid of intimacy might be sleeping around, or somebody who is a dare-devil who engages in extreme sports might be doing this as a reaction to the fact that they are actually afraid of dying. I would not be surprised if somebody who is attracted to the same sex but has not accepted it, chases the opposite sex to deny their true preference.

 

One last question. I was already 23 when i had the panic attack about watching same sex porn to get off here and there. i never really ackkmowledged it as opposing conflict to my behavior, it almost just struck me as taboo which is why i assumed i liked it(example: same reason i enjoy incest porn or other genres i wouldnt enjoy engaging in in real life) the main fear to me was and still is " how did i go from so girl/sex hungry to this? Was my life a lie?" I wonder if the cognitive dissonance for me was suppressing my homosexuality or that a part of me finds men attractive also as well as women. Ive tried to ease my mind lately by just saying "fuck it , if you like both you like both." But i guess the fact ive decided to ditch porn fully is kind of trying to suppress acting out on wants anyway... So confusing.

 

The way sexuality is commonly presented is in this black and white way: gay v. straight ,but this is not true, because bisexuality exists. Having feelings for one sex does not invalidate feelings which you might have for the other sex if you are bisexual.

If you always liked women, but discover that you also like men, you will not suddenly stop liking women, if your attraction to them was genuine.
I'd say don't worry for now about the straight side of your attraction: think of them as existing, but focus on acknowledging and accepting your same sex attraction- this is always the more difficult part.

Currently from what you have said, it looks like you cannot tell if your attraction to women is genuine or not.
This is a side effect of suppressing your sexuality- once you give yourself permission to experience your sexuality and your attraction to the same sex fully, you will become more in touch with your sexuality and then how you feel about women will also become more obvious.

I cannot tell if you if you are bisexual or gay, but I can tell you that bisexuality is real, and that both attraction to men and women can exist at the same time, and don't need to invalidate each other.

Give yourself time and take baby steps: first should be allowing yourself to feel same-sex attraction and not worrying about opposite sex attraction: just let it be: if you feel attraction to the opposite sex just let it be- try to stop yourself from worrying about it too much for now.

 

I've tried to not worry about it but when im not sitting behind a computer or tv screen i feel like i dont really have an urge to be with men like that. Despite the porn use its like my reality is different then what my mind fixates on when i get caught up obsessing about it(which is all the time). Is it that i've trained myself to be this way because of society? it's all just confusing me, id be lying if i said this hasn't made my life a living hell. Thanks for the advice

 

Anomjb,

I have posted on your thread before....and we seem to be having the same experience. I took advice from another user, who seemed to think that i was experiencing some form of denial....i accepted her view. What is strange about the whole situation is that after accepting it...i still haven't found myself attracted to other men. I have still not given up porn...which causes me some distress...but this is because i use to love consuming porn (many genres) and now all of a sudden, people have suggested i may be a porn addict. When i have tried to give up porn, i have found myself masturbating to facebook pictures of girls i know in their bikinis....and this has been great....but having not watched gay porn for a while and having these new masturbating habits...i still find myself questioning...its like an obsession....and it is really fucking with my natural sexuality....towards anyone. I think i really do have an addiction to porn and masturbating as i do this several times a day and cannot seem to go without porn for longer than about 3 days. I just want to get back to the way i was before all this bullshit started....

I have read posts by a user who thought he was gay (after being straight for most of his life), then coming out as gay, having a bf, and he now has a gf and identifies as bisexual. I seem to identify with a lot of what he posts....and that is why recently i have been considering that i may be bisexual...with a preference for women. They say that you should not rely on porn as an indicator...but there is a reason why we are watching gay porn and enjoying it on some level. I genuinely believe that it may be part of me, but having monitored my behaviour recently, i must be bisexual at the most....i can't think of any gay men who would masturbate over facebook pics of girls they know....?

For a while i thought i was in denial about being in denial, but i actually couldn't give a monkeys ass about it anymore...i am what i am, and no one can tell me how i feel. I personally think that my failed relationship has had a lot to do with my reserved attraction to females....as i think i'm still grieving the loss of my gf, although i know that its the best thing that it's over....and i truly believe it was less to do with me being in denial of being gay and the fact that we just weren't compatible with each other...on many levels. I still get turned on by the thoughts of us having sex....but if i was in a relationship with her just now, dealing with all the bullshit that i was, i probs wouldn't want to get off with her. I think i put my feelings and thoughts into porn...and then thought that because i enjoy gay porn, i must be turning gay. I now know that can't be true....or wholly true at least. I'm not denying that i may have a little gay in me, possibly on a vouyeristic level, and i'm cool with that. I want to embrace that....but as for genuine attraction to males in real life....i feel i would have to force it.

I am on day one of giving up porn....for about the eighteenth time.....why is it so hard (pun not intended)