was I being used????? or am i???

am I or was I being used???? sorry or it being too long.


I was seeing a girl for the past few months. I was scared because I am not one to let anyone. I first asked if we could be friends because I really wanted to get to know her as a person before anything. She said she was okay with it. Time progressed and we got to know more and more about one another. She started sending me pictures of herself asking me if I though she was pretty. I had a difficult time with this since I always find people more attractive when I get to see their personality. She said she understood. I did however, say that she had beautiful eyes and I liked her smile.

Now we kept talking on and off. We work together so I was hesitant even in the beginning to progress in case it didn't work out. As I said previously I already have a difficult time letting people in so I was avoidant at first, but the more I spoke with her the more I believed that maybe she could be different. I was afraid of something happening like it has previously happened which is a girl likes me but then says never mind or trashes me for liking girls. However, she was out and proud and everyone knew.

As time proceeded she asked if I could be more affectionate and or just sit with her showing people who sat around us that I liked her. She was asking me to do this at work which is difficult because one its a work setting and two not everyone knows I like girls. However, while I did not do that at work I did start trying to hold her hand and such. She had mentioned she wanted to kiss me which I said I would need time. She said she would be patient with me. I asked her why and she said because she liked me. The more I hung around the more I wanted to get closer to her. It was nice she wanted me in her life and I wanted her-it was a dream. I started inviting her to my sisters house because I wanted her to meet my sister and her kids first. We had a movie night twice. One night we held hands and another night we held hands and I held her close to me.

Just a couple days before the conflict happened she had said that she had grown feelings for me. I had said yes I know its stupid, but I was scared so I said that was she using a line on me. She said no its how she really felt. She left it at that and the next day I did say that I also liked her too.

Right now, its tough because there was conflict. She told me prior that she was friends with a couple of her ex's. I said in the beginning I was nervous about that because most of the time when you have an ex its an ex for a reason. Anyways, she hung out with her ex on night saying she got a ride which I believe her because she doesn't own a car at the moment. I had another friend in my ear saying that I should be pissed about her hanging out with her ex, but really I did trust her. Then the friend said she may be seeing other people....What really got me upset was when she said that her ex was going to drive drunk to get her home. I was worried and said some not so nice things. I know its not an excuse but I was already stressed with work due to low staffing working 50 hours plus a week for the last few months. I just hit my breaking point which sadly was her saying that. I said I was busy after awhile of getting upset (it was through text which is the worse way to speak to someone especially conflict). I let her go and stopped speaking to her for a few days. I finally picked myself back up and said I need to speak to her. I asked if I could ask her what she wanted from me and then she said that she had a lot of stuff going on and didn't want to go further with me until her life was sorted out. My idea was oh my gah is she friend zoning me or did I do something wrong? I mean I understand there is conflict, but it doesn't mean you should stop liking the person.

As of right now, she still wants to hang out with me. We went out when I asked to speak with her face to face and explained to her my reasoning. She said she understood and that her decision was not because of that but rather because she needed to finally focus on herself which I sort of understood since she tries to stay away from her mothers house whom she lives with. She will tell me that I wouldn't like her family and or friends which I see as a sign she is ashamed of them. I was upset with this and did tell her this. She had explained the reasoning and found her home life did suck. We spoke about our lives and how we were at the moment. She said I was an amazing person, but needed to sort through stuff. I took her a coffee and a card apologizing for my insensitiveness and she sent me a picture of it thanking me also taking a picture of the cup I got her for valentines day. I saw this as a good sign. I told her that I liked her still and that I would be patient with her as she for me. She asked me if I was sure and I said yes.

I asked her if she would like to hang out sometime this week and she said yes with a smiley face through text. I asked her which day and at first it was during the day, but then she said what about Friday night?

My question is, Is there still a chance with her? She seems a little more distant than before, but she still wants to hang out with me which I see as a good sign. I played a little prank with her saying due to the stress at work I was quitting and she did not like that saying it wasn't funny which is why I wonder if she didn't care why would she worry and or want to hang out with me still?

 

I did find out from others that she felt like I didn't like were which was not the case. I was just really stressed with work and even was trying to get used to the feelings I was experiencing such as my body going crazy and trying to work on the guard I had up; never been with anyone either so it was all new to me. I told her at times I was scared of doing something wrong to her that could upset her she said that she would let me know if I made her feel uncomfortable. I wanted to be friends because I was trying to get to know her and trust her. If I didn't I was going to run due to just my fears taking hold. I did try and run saying that she deserved better and that she may wants someone who could be more physical with her because at the time I couldn't because I just never have and such. After I said this though she said she still liked me. She did tell me many times that we could just be friends if I got too scared....I didn't want to because I care for her very much. I have tried to tell myself in my head that I am not sexually attracted to her, but at the end of the day I do want her in that way because of how much I have grown to like her very much. She always said she would be patient with me and now I am trying to do the same. She will text me when I text her and says she likes talking to me so....

There was the conflict and I got protective over her. She said I can be very protective, but really I was trying to look out for her because I do care for her.

At this time, my work is going better....im feeling better and I do pay more attention to her even after she said she wants to be friends, I compliment her more and have told friends who work with us that I do like her. In the end, I am really trying to be a better person. She still catches me staring at her and I do see that she notices I do.