Hi there! :smilewave My name's Fin, though I also go by 'the real life Adventure Time':rolle: and lately I've been questioning my sexuality. I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I remember my first 'relationship' was in kindergarden. It was one of those things where you're like 'Oh adults date and we should too.' Basically me and my best friend (who lived next door) said we'd get married when we grew up, so we might as well be dating now. It was dumb. Elementary school I said I liked guys, but I really only had a 'crush' on a guy if they were funny and I liked their haircut. Good job, Fin. :eusa_clap When I got to middle school they taught us about sex and I was like 'eww that's gross i'm over it'. In 6th grade this one boy in my health class asked me out and I was like 'Seriously after learning all that gross stuff you want a girlfriend?' He constantly bugged me about it and so I dated him for a month. I kind of hated him though, so... [TRIGGER WARNING :arrow:] That winter I was sexually assaulted by my half cousin, which :***:ing killed me. Thanks to that and it happening again 3 years later, I can't handle tickling, being grabbed from behind or sitting in someone's lap, and to this day I'm a little terrified of men. [TRIGGER WARNING OVER ] In eighth grade I realized I kind of liked the ladies when I fell head over heels for a new student. (Side note, I knew she was lesbian but still didn't make a move, something I still internally facepalm about :bang: :eusa_doh I started identifying as bisexual. Freshman year I actually learned about all the sexualities my school GSA could stuff into my brain. Cue second part of trigger warning. After (said second part) I wanted to distance myself from boys as much as possible, and started identifying as lesbian. My sophomore year I had my first girlfriend :eusa_danc(*hug*)(!)(!!). Although, I met her through a suicidal people hospital, so I probably should've noped out of that situation :eusa_doh:. She then dumped me :dead: and then came out as transgender and began the female to male process. We're actually now sorta friends, but I was supa pissed at the time. But I can't deny I was attracted. That summer I came to terms with the fact that I was lying to myself :eusa_liar and I liked guys. I began identifying and came out to my parents as pansexual (they took it better than lesbianism). I also began identifying as gender neutral, though my parents don't know that, because they still think boy and girl are the only genders. :bang: [TRIGGER WARNING] However, through DID therapy, I was reunited with the long lost memory that my father sexually assaulted me at AGE FUCKING FIVE. I don't know why, but my therapist still hasn't done much about this, and it's pissing me off. [END OF TRIGGER WARNING] Anyways, I mention the triggers in case they could have anything to do with this. I am now kind of, sort of dating someone (its super complicated :confused2 The main point of this post is this: I don't care for sex. I don't really get 'horny', I don't masturbate, I've only had sex once and it was because I was worried that if I didn't then my SO would leave me, and I fucking hated it. I go online and watch girls on those free cam things, but it doesn't get me off or anything, I watch because I find the female body interesting, and the only one I really watch I watch because she's kind, funny, adorable and will sing along with the background music, and after a show will get into footie pajamas and talk with whoever's left over. I know about asexuality, but the thing is, I'm still physically attracted to people. I'm still all like, 'oh she has nice breasts, ooh he has good abs', etc. I still love kissing/making out, hugging, groping, etc. But when the pants come off and the genitalia are all out there, I'm done. I'm over it. It's no longer interesting to me. What is this? Help? :help: I'mma banana! I'mma banana! I'mma banana! LOOK AT ME MOVE! (!) ---------- Post added 1st Apr 2015 at 11:02 PM ---------- Also, sorry bout all the smilies.
Honestly I feel like a lot of trauma possibly caused you to fear sexual thoughts or gestures. I was sexually assaulted by my cousin when I was 11 and recently by an ex back in October. I was afraid of sexual intimacy until I came out of the closet at 15 but with my ex, I didn't regain that fear. I kicked his ass and got over it. However, to make a good point about this is lesbian thoughts darling but you have possibly developed a lot of fear of sexual intimacy due to rape. I would switch therapists asap to be honest if they are not giving you great advice but I don't know your health insurance coverage or any of that sort of stuff. I would find a different therapist and try to leak out everything that happened to you as a child. You really need to let everything go and this is a hard thing to do. Just know that everything is going to be better darling.
I have a friend a lot like you. Without the backstory, of course, but she finds people attractive, but wants nothing to do with sex. She identifies as biromantic, and asexual. If that helps.
I do also see homoromantic/biromantic and asexual as a possibility as well but I would really look more into this if I were you. I am relatively new to the genderqueer movement and ideals but I know somethings about asexuality. However, if people have this experience, I would listen to what others have to say more in this case. I don't have great experience with asexuality like other people on this site do but if it makes you feel better, you should find a different therapist and make some friends on this site.
