Hi all I'll make this quick. Before I came out, like last year, I had these sexual urges to be with a man. I've had crushes on men and I've actually masturbated towards men since I was 11. I've tried to masturbate to girls but I felt awkward, it didn't feel right, like it felt wrong. I've really never got hard for a girl, even though I tried to fantasize about them. When I do think about girls, my privates get this weird feeling, like they settled down or something. But when I thought about men, I became hard right away. I knew what I liked and kept that to myself. I also could see myself in a relationship with both a man and girl, but I felt more happy when I fantasized myself with a man. All until the end of last year. When I came out about my true sexual feelings to a potential bf, that's when I started getting stressed out. I started to actually question my sexuality, back then I didn't really identify with straight, because I knew I really wasn't, I told myself that I was open. I later on cried and stayed in my bed for 3 months and I kept asking myself questions like "Am I sure?", or "Maybe I'm just confused." "Maybe I'm just lying to myself." "Do I really like men?" "Do I really not feel anything sexual towards women?" The funny thing is that I was okay with it myself, when no one knew. But when I opened up I started to feel the pressure, pressure that I created myself. Everyone was okay with it, but I just made it harder on myself. So after those three months of self-loathing, one day I was taking out the trash and then suddenly my brain had, the best way to describe it, a switch turn off. All my sexual urges where gone, that including feeling happy or knowing what true happiness is. I feel disconnected. I'm going to therapy, but I still feel this disconnection. I feel lost, I knew what I like and I even had a preference of guy, but know I feel nothing for those attractions. I sucks because I finally found a guy that I like, but now I question myself if I truly like him, he's the whole package that got me excited before I came out. Actually even when I started to explore my sexual desires and fantasies, he is the type of guy that I would get off too. But now I don't know. It gets confusing because I know what I felt before, those natural urges, and I knew what I liked. But now I can't either concentrate or feel those feelings anymore. Right now the worst part for me is masturbating. I can't masturbate anymore like how I used to, because I don't know what I like anymore. And when I do masturbate, I don't really enjoy it anymore because I don't have anything that turns me on anymore. I experiment with gay porn to see if anything happens, barely anything anymore and I used to get off from gay porn. I experiment with straight porn and I just feel weird, I sometimes focus on the guy to see if anything happens, not really. I even try to focus on the women and I just feel weird, like not normal and discomfort. Now I try to use my imagination, like replaying the acts of me and my partner, they get me off sometimes, but my concentration on them are barely visible in my mind. The guy I'm with now, when I'm around him, I get erect and even get wet. But I lose that because I lose my concentration on him and I feel like I'm disconnected from my true desires. I really don't know what I want anymore, I feel lost and I really don't know if I want my new relationship with this guy. He likes me, but I can't please him in this state of mind that I'm in right now, I just get too lost. But there's a part of me that knows that I want him and that I love him, but those feelings have left my brain. I used to have strong feelings, but now I feel nothing towards them. I really don't have strong feelings towards anything right now. So is this normal? I feel very lost. I know what I want, which is that my feelings and urges to come back and that I am okay with any sexual orientation that I am. Deep down I know I'm gay, but how can I be gay if these urges and this strong desire to be with a man aren't that strong anymore? Please help me.
It sounds like you have internalized homophobia. Although you may consciously be okay with your orientation, you're subconscious is not. I think you should write down all the fears and doubts you had/have about being gay and then discuss them with your therapist. There may be some things on that list that are buried down deep inside you and that need to be addressed. Once you rid yourself of all doubts and fears, I think you'll start to feel true sexual desire again, you'll feel great. I hope this works, keep us updated, best of luck!
If every explanation other than dead sexual orientation are ruled out, consider yourself to have transitioned sexual orientation. I was heterosexual for almost a decade till it died and it been years since I had those feelings. More than 4 years and it is not coming back.
