1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to accept yourself?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mindthegap, Apr 5, 2015.

  1. mindthegap

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slovakia
    Gender:
    Female
    Probably one month ago, I was writing here about me questioning my sexuality. Now (with your help - thank you whoever replied to my posts! :kiss:) I got to the point that my head is finally kind of clear of that confusion and I am 99,99% sure I am gay. But although this process of getting to know who I really am felt amazing, the more and more sure I was of my sexuality, the worse I felt about being gay. When I started to question myself I was like "whover I am, straight, gay or bi, I am okay with it, I just want to know". But it changed to thinking that I shouldn't be gay and if there is even a small chance of being straight. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but being gay makes me feel like I am a failure. That I am disappointment. Not to me, but to my closest family who I really love. How do you all deal with your sexuality? How do you accept yourself?
     
  2. MyLittleWorld

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brno, Czech Republic
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Heyy,

    First of all, you are not a failure. Community is lucky to have you! (&&&)

    I can't say I have fully accepted myself, but in 2 years I did a great job. I read A LOT of articles on the internet with advices how to accept my sexuality, and I started to move forward, it helps, educate yourself as much as possible. I knew it's the only way. I wanted to be happy, and I started to understand that I won't be happy with a guy, so I must admit my feelings. I know how you feel about your parents, I still sometimes feel like I will let them down, and when I told my dad, he never talks about it, but I think, if we need time to accept ourselves, they need time too.

    You are never alone, you have time, everything will be alright. :slight_smile:
     
  3. hephzibah

    hephzibah Guest

    It took a while for me to accept myself. I did a lot of internal debating about whether I would be happy or not if I didn't admit to myself who I am. I sometimes still have struggles, but 98% of the time, I'm perfectly happy knowing that I'm bisexual, and if anyone else has an issue with it, then that's their problem. I did feel like I was disappointing my parents when I first told them, but now that it's been a few weeks, I think they've had time to think about it and come to terms with it. And if they haven't, then they have the rest of their lives to process it. (;
     
  4. RainbowMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    I don't think that you're a failure at all. I think that you've come a long ways in accepting who you are, and I think that's to be commended, not looked upon as failure.

    Something that can be really helpful is to think about what is making you feel like you're a failure? I'm not that familiar with Slovakia (listed as your location in your profile), but is it a country with a very conservative view towards same-sex relationships? Do your parents inform these views? I think that once you start figuring out and thinking about what makes you feel like a failure, you're a good ways towards not feeling like a failure :slight_smile:
     
  5. mindthegap

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slovakia
    Gender:
    Female
    @MyLittleWorld
    Thank you for your kind words and advices. I will definitely look into some articles. I hope I will get through this phase, confusion didn't take me that long so hopefully this will go away too

    @hephzibah
    Haha your last sentence is amazing, it made my day! :lol: And I'm happy for you being happy most of the time, I hope I will get to there too

    ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2015 at 09:08 PM ----------

    It's not that I feel like a failure because of me. If it was only me, I would have been happy that I am gay, that I know who I am. The problem is with my closest family. The older I get, the more expectations everyone around me has and the more frequently I hear things like: "You should find a boyfriend.", "When are you getting married?", "You should get married and have children, so your dad will have grandchildren." All this stresses me out so much. And because of this I feel like a failure. That I will never be "normal" person with husband and children as everyone around me expects.
    Yes, Slovakia is pretty conservative. Two months ago we had a referendum to strengthen a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and same-sex adoption. Eventhough it failed, I guess it wasn't because people are accepting homosexuals, but because Slovak people are usually too lazy when it comes to voting.
    And my parents, well, I only have dad now, so it seems harder to me. Since I have only one parent, there is no chance that one parent could be more accepting and talk to the other. Now if dad doesn't accept me, then I don't have the second parent.
     
  6. HugasaurusRex

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester UK
    No, you are not a failure, you, like everyone else are a wonderful person and certainly NOT a disappointment to anyone! And if anyone does see you like that, then they should not be part of your life if they can not accept you for who you are.
    For me, it took 25 years to finally fully accept and be happy with who and what I am. I am a gay androgynous guy, and as a teenager I hated who I was to the point (and with other factors) that led to me attempting suicide, and when I recovered from that I decided that "NO! I shall not be brought down by anyone/thing. Though at this time I did not accept my sexuality I found 'happiness' elsewhere. But in September of 2014 I finally accepted that I was gay and fabulous! And in February of 2015 I finally came out to everyone and it was the best most enlightening thing I ever did, I still suffer from depression I have suffered from since being 11, but it no longer defines who I am. but the main way I finally came to accept being gay was to discount (but still listen to and respect) other people's negativity towards me, I mean, it is not my fault I am so awesome and they are jealous. So be who you are and let no one tell you otherwise, only YOU can define who you are and you can only find happiness within yourself when you stop caring what other people think of you. So be happy and be you! :kiss:
     
  7. pasinhose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2015
    Messages:
    107
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    How do you accept yourself? Listen, there is nothing odd about you. Its not a cut and dried thing. I am gay or I am not gay? Believe it or not contrary to all these bullshit articles and science studies its so much more. It does start with you and how you repress or don't repress. It took years for me. And through circumstances it started; it snowballed into something. Something I could not stop and did not want to. I will say this. When I had anal sex for the first time I knew. I felt complete after. It was totally different and I felt calm and confident. I knew. Remember, its about you and not anyone else. You are loved and accepted on this site. And we understand. Join us. Loving someone and yourself from the same sex is not a sin and is not wrong. Its normal.
     
  8. Jax12

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,875
    Likes Received:
    71
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Being open minded from the beginning allowed myself to explore my sexuality without shame or guilt. Now that I realize I have attractions for both sexes, my mind calmed down.

    Things may change, though. But that is then, this is now.
     
  9. mindthegap

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slovakia
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your kind words. This was really well said and I will work on that. I guess I just care too much about what my family thinks about me. I know they should love me no matter what, I mean they are my family, but I don't think my family is very supportive of gay people. Maybe I am wrong and they would surprise me, maybe it all just needs more time.
    And I'm happy you weren't successful in attempting suicide, world would lose great person!

    ---------- Post added 6th Apr 2015 at 07:00 PM ----------

    You have a point here. I should realise that it is my life and I should be happy, I shouldn't be the one who makes everyone but me happy. And I am happy I joined this site, there are really wonderful people here and I would probably struggle much more with who I am without help I get from here.

    ---------- Post added 6th Apr 2015 at 07:03 PM ----------

    I'm happy for you that you have your head clear now. I remember your questioning posts about having father figure problems. So congrats on knowing who you are, whether it is just for now or for the rest of your life.
     
  10. Oh Lilac

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2015
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    I know it is hard, but try to lessen the gravity of others' opinions. Examine your own actions, your own conscience, your own personality, and see these things as beautiful, and coming from a place of love. To have love (and other positive feelings) toward a woman is not a bad thing. It is a wonderful thing.

    You may have to accept that some people will not be okay with you being gay, but work on building new, better, more accepting relationships with others who will support you. This website is a great place to start!

    Watch LGBT movies and read about others who are in your situation, and it will help you feel more normal or less isolated.

    It may be hard at first, but it takes time and it is worth it. You deserve to live your life for YOU, not others.
     
    #10 Oh Lilac, Apr 6, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2015
  11. mindthegap

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slovakia
    Gender:
    Female
    @Oh Lilac
    Thank you for your nice and kind words. I guess I have so hard time imagining myself as being openly gay is because of the environment where I was brought up. Gay topics were always taboo, people around me were using words like faggot or bugger. So although now I know I am into women, I still didn't figure out how I should do it right to be who I am and be accepted by my closest family without disappointing them. Maybe some separation from them would be better for now, until I can accept myself.
    And you are right with that last part of your comment. I should focus on being happy not on making everyone else happy.
     
  12. DarrenB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I understand not wanting to be a failure to your parent, and family. I'm going through the same thing. I only finally accepted the fact that I'm gay last month in March, so I'm still very scared of telling people, and trying to cope with not being able to have the family I was expected to have.

    I've told both my siblings, and they are okay with it (which I kind of assumed, because, why on earth would whether or not I have children matter to them?). I was too scared to tell my mother that I was gay, so I told her that I'm "attracted to both, but I think overall, I'm more attracted to men" (That's not, false per se, but, I know deep in my heart that I will never be as happy with a girl and I would be with a guy. So I guess I lied to her). She doesn't seem to really understand it, and I'm not sure she 100% "agrees" with it. But thankfully, her love for her son outweighs anything else, so she is okay with it.

    I haven't told my dad yet, because he's the part were I'm terrified of disappointing him, and being a failure. He's always had such high expectations of me. Throughout my life he's always pressured me to get good grades (I suck at academics), learn a second language (he's trilingual, so he seems to think it's easy), learn a martial art (He grew up in the ghetto's of Mexico, so he's REALLY good at fighting, but I myself wouldn't hurt a fly to save my life), and study programming for a career (He loves it, I HATE it). He basically wants me to be the second incarnation of himself. Needless to say, I've never been able to do any of the things he's pressured me to do, so I'm already a failure even without the whole attracted to guys part.

    On top that he has a very negative opinion of "gays." Every time there's a "gay joke" in a movie, he laughs his head off, because he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. One time he very frustratingly told us that his best friend's girlfriend left because she "decided she was a lesbian."

    I'm scared shitless of telling him. Despite all that, he does always tells me he loves me no matter what, but I don't know if he loves that much, you know? I'd really be putting him to the test if I told him. So ya, I totally understand not wanting to be a failure.
     
    #12 DarrenB, Apr 7, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2015
  13. mindthegap

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2015
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Slovakia
    Gender:
    Female
    @DarrenB
    I'm sorry about your dad putting so many things on you. I know it is not easy to live to someone else's expectations, especially parents who want to either copy their successful life or the ones who want you to have better life than they had.
    Gay jokes can be pretty cruel, especially when someone who is not out hear them from people who are closest to you, not really helpful in coming out.
    But you are lucky, you already have two siblings and mum who know about who you are and they love you, you have the support.