Hi i\m a 19 year old male that is confused about my sexual Orientation. i was thought i was straight until i started doubting it a few years ago. i never had a girlfriend or a boy friend and i am a virgin. I always watched and got off to straight porn and lesbian porn. recently i tried watching gay porn and i get a sensation in my groin and i tried to to jack off but i shortly stop i have never climaxed to it. All my sexual fantasies involved girls and never a guy. I was diagnosed with OCD a few years back because i was having these unwanted thoughts in my head that i may be gay so i went on prozac and everything was a lot better i went to (60mg). i dropped it to (20mg) now and all of these worries that i may be gay or bi came back and it feels stronger than ever. it actually feels like i may be gay or bi. anyways i did notice guys in high school but not in a sexual way I'm not sure what kind of way but it was never sexual. I remember people would tell me i looked like this one guy in my school and i would get really happy because he was a good looking guy and i was always insecure about my looks. whats troubling me is my past. I remember having an old dream with a friend that he kissed me on the cheek and i got really happy idk know why maybe because i looked at him like an older brother or i had deep feelings for him which i dont recall but i do recall always wanting an older or younger brother because i am the only sibling. another one is when i was like 10 or 11 i watching this kind of beauty show with my mom between guys and girls and i remember i specifically wanted this one guy to win and i dont remember why maybe i felt he was the best looking even with the females their does that make me gay? another thing is that i was this girl lately i didn't find her that attractive but many guys would and she was really easy she was not a challenge at all anyways she was my first real kiss and i was instantly rock solid even being around her i would get hard but i couldn't bring myself to hang with her anymore idk why this scares me because now im thinking cuz of that i could be gay or bi. anyways i was kind of homophobic when i was younger but i as grew older i learned that everyone is people their are gay people at my work that i talk to and socialize with. but now its hard to talk to any guys as i get anxious around all of them including my best friends and i cant even look them in the face i'm worried ill do something. i always thought i was straight never wanted to have a relationship with a guy though now i'm trying to keep my mind open because i want to be whatever i am to make myself happy i've talked to my mom about it and she said she would still love me and stuff which is good to hear but it doesn't make the worrying go away i'm still depressed as shit and don't even want to leave my house. i mean i think it is a scary feeling to know my friends would reject me and leave me and stuff but at the end of the day i'm confused of knowing who i am. anyways i need some help and insight from you guys it would be greatly appreciated.
The fact that your mother said that she would love you no matter what is really great. Not everyone has a supportive parent. I understand that potentially losing friends over this could be frightening. But try to remind yourself that if they did leave or hate you simply because you're attracted to guys, then they clearly weren't friends worth keeping in your life. The people who love you no matter what, like your mother, are the ones you want to keep around. First off, I want to point out that you shouldn't put too much significance into porn. Porn is so outside of reality that it doesn't even really count for anything. Trying to determine your orientation from watching porn is like trying to determine what career you want by watching movies. For example, I just finished reading a thread about several lesbians who enjoy watching male-male gay porn on occasion, but that doesn't change the fact that they're still lesbians. For me personally, I actually dislike watching porn of any kind. It's a huge turn-off for me. But that doesn't mean I don't like sex. Porn is a form of fantasy, and it's quite possible to not like a particular kind of fantasy. So don't give it too much weight. There are many different kinds of attraction. The fact that you got turned on by kissing a girl is sign that you're probably sexually attracted to women. You said you noticed guys in high school, but not in a sexual way. It's entirely possible to be aesthetically attracted to people (in a "oh, what a pretty painting" kind of way). This is something that people of all orientations can feel (straight, bi, gay, etc.) for someone of any gender/sex. It doesn't necessarily mean anything on it's own. We are all able to notice attractive people, it's part of being human. But if you were checking guys out a lot, or maybe you kept on staring at one guy in particular, it could mean you think he's more than just a pretty painting. You said in your dream you were kissed by a guy, and it made you happy. There's a good chance this means you're romantically attracted to guys. Overall, it sounds to me like you have some degree of bisexuality. Its sounds like you're mostly attracted to women, but have some attraction to men. However, if you've never given yourself the mental freedom and space to explore your feelings for men, then that's something you should do. The best thing to do is to give it time, there is no rush to determine who you're attracted to, or even to pick a label. Imagine a woman and a man that you think are attractive. Now try imagining being with each one in a variety of different situations. What does it feel like when you imagine kissing the guy? The girl? How about holding hands, or having one of you rest your head on the other's lap? Imagine having sex with each in a variety of ways. Does the idea of being with one turn you on more than another? Love and Romance are also a huge part of orientation. Which one puts butterflies in your stomach? Women, men, or both?
Give it time, and most of all, avoid suppressing your desires. Let your feelings and emotions go where they want. And try to be as open minded as possible. If I weren't open minded from the start, I would not have been able to accept that I liked guys as well as girls. It's surely not a 50/50 attraction, but I feel like I could be happy with either gender, and it really comes down to who they are as a person.
To me, it seems like you are straight. Or at least bisexual. You can't control how hard you get. Therefore, getting hard from being around that girl means you are sexually attracted to girls. Dreams don't necessarily mean anything. It seems to me that you admired good looking guys instead of being sexually attracted to them. There's a difference. I have OCD, and I'm struggling with what you're struggling with. OCD can trick our minds into thinking things. Normally, I would say to listen to what your gut is telling you, but since you have OCD, those thoughts inside your head often aren't truthful. So it's hard to say. However, none of what you said in this post screams to me that you are attracted to guys.
