Cybersex, Relationships and fear, that's what I have

Hi, I posted a while ago about my sexuality, doubts and stuff, right now I've been thinking about marriage, relationships and sex as a Bi guy.

I'm 23 years old, haven't come out to anyone yet and not sure about doing it anytime soon.

Sexually I've already been with two men, the fantasy was pretty hot, but while doing it, wasn't that much exciting. I was feeling uptight and really tense about it, I just couldn't loosen up or enjoy freely by fear of getting recognised or I don't know.

Romantically I've only had one girlfriend, I loved her and was really attracted to her because of her personality and the way she made me feel; We never had sex, but we had a lot of foreplay and turned me on like crazy. I broke up with her because I felt like I was putting a lot of effort in our relationship and she admitted she didn't.

I'm telling this because lately I've been feeling lonely and I would love to start dating and hope to meet a great girl.

The thing is that here's where it gets complicated, Since I was 15 I have been doing Cybersex with guys on Skype, It all started with chatting until I discovered you could actually have "sex" on webcam; I think It all started as a way of relieving the fantasies I had with men and not feeling guilty of having contact with them and also because when I was younger I had crushes on girls like every other boy but they never felt the same way of me, not even one, so chatting with guys and jerking off with them made me feel attractive and worthy, like, how crazy it was that hot guys or elder guys found me sexy or would actually want to have sex with me and I wasn't getting any attention from girls. That's when I decided to actually act on my fantasies and try having sex with guys, maybe I was gay after all... but I was wrong.

I still get turned on by gay porn, more than straight porn, I get aroused when I see a really hot guy or when I feel like they might have interest in me but I don't feel like I want to have a relationship with a man, also sex wasn't that much arousing like porn.

But when I had my first girlfriend everything changed, I finally felt like a man, She used to make me feel like that, I finally felt complete but in some way I was still filling guilty about fantasising of other men so I promised myself that as long as I was with her, I wouldn't watch any gay porn and if I felt aroused it was really just by her, cause to me, even with the thoughts I would've felt like I was cheating.

Right when we broke up, I resumed the Cybersex, have been with a lot of guys on cam, different ages, fetishes, but it's all starting to worry me as if this might become an addiction or something I can't control or if it's only because I'm missing out of real sex and relationships that I keep having this kind of interactions with men.

I feel a lot of guilt of doing this and also about being bi, sometimes I feel like I'm having a double life but can't afford coming out as I'm still sure I wouldn't like to have a boyfriend, so why should I have that conversation with everyone?

I'm afraid of not being able to have healthy sexual relationships or to keep doing cybersex only because it feels good while doing it, but terrible after.

Sorry if I'm rambling but have so many thoughts trapped in my head that I need to pour out, hope someone could help me with some of these...

 

I never had or tried to have a relationship with a guy, as I'm not out to anyone, how would that be possible? I mean, both times I had sex with guys, I had to sneak out of my house, got lost for a bit and then I came back home with lots of explaining to do and having to invent stories of why I was late or didn't answer my phone.
Also, I'm not that sure I'd like to date guys... Where I'm from, being bisexual is like being in denial. I'm sure in many places people say "bisexual people are just gay", so if I get a boyfriend I would definitely never get another girlfriend again.

I'm not closed to that, if it happens, well I'll be happy to receive this guy in my life but I won't be looking for him any time soon.

As for the cybersex, I find my self doing it a lot lately. It's like a pick me up if I'm feeling down but I know it's not healthy and it frightens me to think about all the consequences of doing it, like getting recorded or photographed and get posted all over the place, you name it.

I just don't know where my life's heading...