Hi, I'm a seventeen year old female and for the last past year I've constantly gotten more confused about my sexual orientation. I've never been in a relationship nor have I slept with/ kissed anyone and that is one of the main reasons I am as confused as I am. Every time I feel someone becoming more interested in me than a friend would I back off immediately. It's almost something I can't control because I actually really want to be in a relationship. Whenever I picture myself in one the focus lies a lot more on the general "stuff" than on the person, even though both males and females "take the part of the significant other" (sorry for these phrasings, I tend to get a little bit histrionic whenever I'm nervous and I somehow am right now). When it comes to being attracted to people the ratio is pretty much 50/50 male/female but these are all (but one) people I've never met before (like youtubers etc.), not like in a fangirling way but more a deep urge to get to know them while enjoying their (pictured) personalities. The "but one" is a boy I was friends with for quite some time but we haven't seen each other for a while so I'm reading things in there too. Apart from him I haven't been even remotely attracted to someone I know in real life. My friends and family start to notice this because there isn't an obvious reason for me not to date/ make out with people and both my mum and a close friend of mine started a while back to drop hints about acceptance and sexuality (or maybe I'm just paranoid...who knows). The thing is: I would tell them that I was gay/ bisexual whatever but I really have no idea what I am and that's really bugging me lately. I always thought that I was straight and just a bit picky but I don't feel that way anymore and I really want to talk about this with someone. Even though I come from a very accepting, open- minded and loving family and all my friends are extremely nice people I don't feel comfortable with sharing this confusion with them (which kind of makes me an asshole because there are people who have it way harder than me and still manage to do so, I know). But anyway, I would be really grateful if someone had an advice for me on how to figure myself out or at least about dealing with this confusion.
In time, they'll be little clues on what your sexuality is. You might not pick up on them at first but think about your past behaviors between women and men? Are they different? Are they the same? Or do they exist at all? These might be some of the questions you want to think about. It's sort of like a guide, take one hint at a time and work from there. There's no rush in knowing but I do understand the need to know. Deep down, it'll reveal itself to you and you'll be just fine with accepting friends and family
I think you've definitely found the right place! EC has sure helped me a lot. First of all, it's okay to be nervous! And it's okay to be confused! It can feel like you want to know your sexuality now, but it will probably take some time, and there's no rush. You don't have to have any sexual/physical experience to know your sexuality. Experience is more like further confirmation than anything. In the end, figuring yourself out will come from within. It will probably take some self reflection. You might begin noticing patterns of behaviour in yourself. You write that you want to be in a relationship. How come? You write that the focus is more on the "general stuff". What's the general stuff? Is it intimacy, experiencing things with someone, or having someone to call yours, etc? Could it in fact be the expectations from those around you which makes you want to be in a relationship? This boy you mention, how would you describe your feelings towards him? You say you were attracted to him, but how would you describe that attraction? You write that apart from that boy, you're only attracted to people you've never met and every time you feel someone becoming interested in you, you back off. Could these two be related? Maybe you like these people you've never met because it's safe, as you know it will never evolve into something more? Sexuality and confusion can be something very personal, and not feeling comfortable sharing that with those around you does not make you an asshole, no matter how accepting those people might be. My family is very much accepting, but I didn't feel comfortable coming out to them either. I have now, but it was still felt difficult to do, even though I knew they suspected it and would support me. Again, not sharing this is nothing to feel bad about. You don't owe anything to anyone. Best of luck
