I've been having a lot of difficulty figuring out what I am. I've only ever dated guys, and I want to be with a guy. About a year ago, I realized that I am sexually attracted to girls. This attraction is MUCH stronger than my sexual attraction to guys. It's hard for me to distinguish between acknowledging a guy is hot vs. being physically attracted to that guy. I notice hot guys all the time. However, should I be super hot and bothered by a guy with his shirt off? Sometimes I don't get the big deal about muscles. I can get turned on by guys, but it takes longer and feels more forced. However, I've never been romantically attracted to girls. I figure that might be because of what I've been told all my life-to be with a guy. On the flip side, when it comes to romantic attraction, I have strong feelings for guys. I recently really liked a guy emotionally. All I wanted to do was talk to him and be around him all the time. He gave me butterflies. However, something would feel deceitful about being his girlfriend because I feel like I'm not as physically attracted to him as I should be if that makes sense. The conversation I had in my head was this: "I like him, but I can't, because I'm gay". Which is contradictory and makes no sense. The problem is the emotional and the physical attractions aren't lining up. I have OCD, and I'm worried I have told myself I'm gay so much that I've convinced myself I am, even though I'm not. Or, since I really don't want to be gay, I wonder if I'm just holding on to liking guys. Thoughts?
Currently you sound like you have romantic feelings for guys, but no strong sexual feelings for them. Whilst you have strong sexual attraction to women. From what I have read here giving yourself permission to develop romantic feelings for the same sex might take time- but as far as I know with more acceptance you might also find yourself able to develop same -sex romantic attractions. I'd say work on your acceptance of same-sex attractions in general, because they are often most difficult to accept. My advice is very, very solid: leave labels, just let them go for a while: think in terms of preferences for a while- let yourself feel and experience things. Labels can be very, very anxiety inducing for anyone who has tendency to OCD - if you are questioning and unsure part of you will make you think you fall under one label, whilst another will make you feel you should take the other- you will end up endlessly obsessing which one you are. From what you said there is a contradiction in your experience: on the one hand you want to be with guys, on the other hand you feel you would be dishonest if you did, because you feel you are gay. You have to ask yourself: why do you want to be with guys? Is it with this particular guy? Guys in general? What do you like about them? The type of answer you will give yourself might help to determine if you are bisexual- or gay, but conditioned to seek opposite sex relationships. You very well might be bisexual with a sexual preference for the same sex: it might not make it a deal breaker when it comes to having a relationship with a man, but then it might.
Dear spearsfan, I'm almost scared about how much we have in common. Perhaps you could look over my blog a little bit more recent. (I just became a member so I don't know how to bring this otherwise). I have OCD as well (I'm in therapy for it). Around this topic I had to visualize someone saying the word lesbian in their specific voice every time I met someone new. It sounds crazy and I still don't know why. Now, I am 20 and with this guy I love for allready 4 years, but every morning when I have the slightest doubt I have to keep visualizing how it is to be with a woman so I won't be unfair towards my boyfriend. I have the urge to, as soon as possible, know my sexual orientation. I just have to be able to put myself in a box before its to late and I wil end up hurting him . Since I am new here as well I can't give you any advice, but it is nice to have somebody with this much in common. Are you in therapy for OCD? It won't change your sexual orientation (I am afraid, for myself) but at least it can temper the enoing obsessions a bit.
I have talked to a therapist a few times, she hasn't been too helpful unfortunately lol. That's my fear. Is that I'll be with a guy for years and then later on figure out I'm strictly gay and hurt him. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm glad someone is so similar to me, too. It's interesting. I've found that a lot of people that are confused about their sexual orientation also have OCD. I wonder what that means...
