Hi everyone, I came out a few months ago. First to myself and then to my parents, several close friends and a family friend. However, instead of things getting better and me getting more confident about my sexuality, I suddenly find myself back in denial. It's somewhat ironic that now that I'm out I have these doubts while I've been sure of being gay since I was thirteen. Anyway, I'm going through the whole confusion/denial phase and it's so odd. My brain and subconscious are convinced I'm straight. I then try to gently remind myself I've been into gay porn for the last 5 years and that I masturbate to men (which doesn't really come over as straight), but it just doesn't sink in. Or maybe it does but then the next day I 'notice' (nothing sexual) a girl and that sets off the whole process again. It's terribly frustrating. I'm dangling the evidence in front of my face but at the same simply can't accept it. I always seem to come up with some excuse and it's really getting very annoying. It doesn't help that my sex drive has been unusually low for the last couple of months either, due to a lot of anxiety. I mean, I get that I should be patient but this has lasted for over three months now and I'm growing very tired of being so uncertain and confused. I've actually had to restate my sexuality to some of the friends I came out to. I now go with 'usually gay' to give myself a little more room, just in case. I know everyone's different, especially in the LGBT world, but does anyone have a similar experience to mine? Any advice or tips?
Could you be homoflexible? Or mostly gay? Or perhaps even bisexual with a preference for guys? Forcing anything in general serves no real benefit. Let your emotions and attractions go where they want, and when you notice it, you don't have to use that evidence to change your opinion. Just realize that it's there, and leave it at that. If anything, forcing yourself just makes things harder.
I've felt a lot like that for a very long time. That's why I identify as "gay but just a little curious". I've been learning to try and ignore the doubts that frequently come up in my brain. It gets more confusing the more you think about it. For me it helps to think of your orientation in non-sexual terms; For instance, do you feel comfortable with the thought of being in a romantic relationship with a girl and showing affection physically? What about boys?
Wow guys, thanks for replying so quickly! I'm not sure about being bisexual. I mean, I'd have to want to have sex with girls, which I don't think I've ever instinctively thought about. It has crossed my mind several times recently, but only because I'm so obsessed about discovering if I do or don't like them. I'm kind of grossed out by the thought of lesbian porn, and I've never even looked for it. Gay porn on the other hand turns me on, but not always either. Some of the sexual acts are absolutely off-putting. Arg! Why is it all so confusing? The more I try to pinpoint my sexuality the more paranoid I seem to become, which I why I go for the 'usually' gay label. It gives me a little space while still basing itself on fact. If I imagine myself in a relationship with a girl I feel warm and pleasant but there is nothing sexual or passionate about it. It's a bit like having a conversation with a really good friend and the gooey feeling that that gives. When I think of myself with a guy (and I can name a few who I'd like that to be) then I feel excitement and nerves and butterflies. Then again, I've never really been in love, so I don't know if that is a realistic piece of evidence. Maybe this gives a clearer picture of my sexuality. Is it possible (or wise) to simply identify as bisexual to save myself the hassle? Then I can just like whoever I want without any pressure - both from myself as from the people I've come out to. Ideas?
Well don't worry about that. There are a lot of gay sexual acts I also find disgusting. That's by no means abnormal. That's a good idea to give yourself some room while you figure it out. In time I think you'll come to some understanding. Just try to worry as little as you can, that helps. That "warm pleasant" feeling makes me think that you're more interested in being friends with women. The excitement and butterflies makes me think that you're definitely interested in men romantically. I'm not sure if I've ever been in love either. I might have been once.I don't know. If it feels right, it's probably reliable evidence. That might be a good option for you. Sometimes I wish I had came out as bisexual because sometimes I am not sure if I'm into girls or not. I think it would be best to do that.if later you do decide that you are gay, it will be less shocking to tell people that way. You can use it as a "stepping stone" if you will.
I'm not sure I agree with referring to yourself as bisexual "until you figure it out." If you're questioning, then just call it how it is. If you're still not sure of your sexuality, you should just tell people that your not sure, your questioning, or simply that "I like both men and women," or "I'm attracted to more than one gender/sex." If people can't understand how that's possible, then quite frankly, that's their problem, not yours. Something I've been thinking about recently is when do I think I'm bi vs gay? I've noticed that when I'm happy and in a good mood, I feel comfortable with being gay. But it's when I'm depressed, guilty, or ashamed that I start to think that maybe I really am bi. Or that I should just ignore my feelings for guys, and wait until I meet "that one girl." I only thought that I could like girls when I was ashamed or depressed. So for me, that's a pretty good sign that I'm still dealing with the guilt of being gay. Obviously this is just my own personal experience, but I suggest you try to think about when it is that you feel like you're attracted to guys/girls. See if any patterns start to show up.
The thing is, if you come out as bisexual, and only learn that you are gay, then that is contributing to bi erasure. To be safe, it might be better to tell people you are questioning, because you are and that is being honest. If you are comfortable with Queer, then you could use that too. It's up to you of course and if you feel you should come out as bi then go for it. As the others have suggested, you might be homoflexible or bisexual with preference for guys, both of which I feel I fit into. By the way, porn is not the ultimate deciding factor for your orientation, and I find a lot of gay porn boring and though I don't watch porn much, if I were to I would be more interested in straight or lesbian porn...but I still prefer guys over girls sexually. I think it is a nice idea to describe yourself as 'usually gay'' because it might best explain your situation. Remember though, when we are still trying to accept ourselves, we still experience denial that tricks us and confuses us. Good luck with figuring things out
Thank you everyone for answering. Though I think it's great to make a political statement by being queer I think I'll stick to 'usually gay' for now. It fits. I think my history points clearly to a gay orientation and I'm really only interested in a boyfriend right now, while I see girls more as people I can emotionally connect with and build strong friendships with. The word 'usually' only serves as a way for me to feel less trapped in my own orientation, and I'll probably end up just being plain 'gay' in a couple of years. I love being able to talk about this stuff with other people who are going through similar things. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this, which I really appreciate. Also, the more I discover about the incredible variety of orientations the LGBT community contains the more amazed I am. Sexuality is so incredibly complex and it's fascinating to learn about all its different forms of expression. I'd never even heard of the term homoflexible, for instance. Anyway, a big thumbs up to everyone. Thank you very much guys!
