So, I think I am bisexual but I still sometimes wonder if I'm just hetero-flexible or bi-curious. All my romantic and ongoing sexual relationships have been with men, but I believe I have had romantic feelings for two women, and had sexual experiences with women which never developed into an ongoing thing. I did things like masturbating in the same room as my female friend, in my early teens (with her doing that too), but don't remember any sexual attraction to girls prior to the age of 19 - and even that was more realised in hindsight, because it was just so off my radar. I grew up in a very religious home where homosexuality was frowned on and I wonder how much that might have suppressed my feelings for women. The only porn I ever watch (which is rare for me anyway) is female-to-female, and I find male-to-female porn repulsive. The issue of my bisexuality has been coming up for me strongly recently for some reason. I seem to go through phases of being more attracted to women than men, then it switches around. Recently for the first time I feel the same level of attraction to both, and after reading some of the threads on this site I wonder if that's because I'm giving more permission to myself. I have only mentioned having been with women to a couple of very close friends, but I joined a dating site recently and kept feeling it was a lie to put 'heterosexual' in the 'sexual orientation' box - so I changed it. I also noticed that 9/10 men that I look at on the site, don't interest me either physically or emotionally (compatibility wise) - while many women do. In 'real life', I find a lot more women beautiful and attractive than men, but my radar has been set to sleep with men for so long that I find that really straightforward sexual attraction only rarely to women. And when I do feel it, usually the woman seems to be straight, or she has already written me off as straight, (I've been told by lesbian friends I seem very straight, and I have a child so that also can count 'against' me), so I don't know where to go with it. I feel apprehensive about dating women outwardly as feel so comparatively sexually inexperienced with them and also worry that I would 'lead a woman on' only to find in the end something is missing and I prefer a man for a relationship. I guess I'd like some input on all this and how to place myself, and also I'm wondering how to start exploring this part of myself? I don't know how to exchange signals with a woman in the way that's always been natural for me with men, and of course most women are straight so the fear or rejection is greater. I feel now's a good time as I'm (rarely for me) not in a relationship, and I feel like it's always going to be a path not trodden, and a live unlived. Thanks!
First of all, "curious" isn't a sexuality, it is a generic adjective that means "you don't know [something], but you would like to know". You should certainly know whether or not you are curious without a great deal of soul-searching. "Bisexual" is a blanket term for a spectrum of sexualities that ranges between (i.e., not including the endpoints of) totally straight and totally gay. The whole spectrum is described by the Kinsey scale of 0 (totally straight) to 6 (totally gay). "Heteroflexible" is just a way of saying, roughly, Kinsey-1 (i.e., mostly heterosexual, but with enough interest in the same sex that you're open/flexible to occasional same-sex encounters, if the opportunity arises). But there is no reason to "figure out" your sexuality, in terms of locking down a Kinsey number that is completely accurate for you. For one thing, our number can change throughout our lifetime. It can also shift (as it sounds like you are finding) much more frequently than that. But beyond this, it just doesn't make sense to obsess over a number...it makes much more sense to figure out who you're attracted to and form relationships with those people. I mean specific individuals. As long as you're enjoying who you're with at any given moment, who cares what your number is? But then, after several years, look back and ask yourself who you've been with, who you've enjoyed being with, and who you most fantasize about being with...that should give you a sense of your number and your sexuality.
Completely get this - so many things you say resonate with me. Especially about wanting to explore that side. And seeing more attractive women than men. and the porn thing (at best i find male-female porn a bit awkward...) i knew i was bi very early on (about 3 on kinsey) have had experience with both men and women but only long-term relationships with men. I just happened to meet the right person quite early and got married. Sometimes wonder whether i should have dated more women before but i'm happy with my decision. If you are in a good position - my advice would be to explore it might be fun. I might have missed something - but i didn't get any info on how to meet a woman... my past relationships have started from talking to people i find attractive/ interesting and then going from there. I met my ex-girlfriend at college and i'd come out to friends so she already knew, i started chatting and we went for drinks (very similar to the start of my relationship with my now husband). I know it might not be like that for you. I'd just always be open about how i felt, even if that means admitting that you're not sure and want to take it slow. Not sure if that's helpful. good luck xxx
Thanks BiAnnika for the clarification on terms. I wasn't thinking of 'bi-curious' as a sexuality or status, more as a possibility of where I am at. I looked up Kinsey scale after you mentioned it and depending on whether I answer 'attracted to women more than men' yes or no, I'm either a 2 or a 5 on the scale. I'm still unsure as to the answer to that question, as it depends how you define attraction. I think I've been conditioned and socialised to be attracted to men romantically but as I said, I find many more women more physically attractive - while there are relatively few men I find physically appealing. I can see that the whole 'numbers' thing isn't that important, I guess it was just a way to get a handle on things for me. I found a helpful website on bisexuality that clarified things for me too - it said things like you don't have to be equally attracted to both sexes at all times to 'qualify' as bisexual. The only requirement is that you have felt attraction to more than one gender. oJustMe, thanks for sharing your experience on meeting women and for your affirming words. Glad to know I'm not alone. Re meeting people, I met a very attractive and interesting (and 'my type' in lots of ways) woman on the weekend at a friend's party and felt there was quite a connection between us but we both referred to past boyfriends and it's so hard to know.. I also think I may need to discreetly 'come out' to a few more of my friends as otherwise I am just off the radar for anyone they know. I'm so used to relating to women as friends only that it feels quite a line to cross. I think I'd need to be in a situation where a woman makes it very clear she is interested in ME - or to meet someone through a dating site where we both know we are interested in women. I'm also still not sure if I could be in a relationship with a woman long term. But there's no way of knowing till I try I guess. I have a friend who was always with men then met the right woman and now only dates woman, having found that there's much more richness of emotional connection and more fluid expression of sexuality. But who self defines as bisexual.
