okay hi I am a 25 year old guy and am posting here as a presumable last resort for myself as I have tried reading all the posts everywhere online about being in denial and ocd. I dont really know where to start but just from where my only issue began: Last year I don't know from when but my sex drive was shot and I had been worried why I didn't think about it much and had no real desire to masturbate. I am a christian and have actively tried not too but when I did I had relied upon watching porn (I know this is hypocritical) and ditto with my girlfriendat the start of going out we had been like rabbit kissing and I had felt so guilty that we kept going futhter than a kiss and had actively tried to stop kissing so we wouldn't go further (I don't know if that is even impacting upon this). We started to kiss one night at the start of December and I just felt nothing no erection nothing and I just got a thought saying this is because you are gay and frankly terrified me I remember waking up in the middle that night and trying to masturbate and couldn't ept any kind of erection I looked up ED and found latent homosexualityy as a reason and that just scared me more and more. Okay so skipping back through my life from the age of about 7 to 11 a guy a year older than me used to touch me including licking my bum, penis rubbing me while I played on his Nintendo. Even at 10 he said I should think about girls while he masturbated me so that I could experience ejaculation. I don't know what happened but at 11 this culminated in him bumming me and us rubbing penises together. I remember afterwards thinking that was a bit enjoyable and weird but I don't want to do that again and getting a dread I was gay and being depressed for months after this. I had girl crushes right through primary school and grammar school although unsuccessful with girl i don't remember fancying guys. I have no memory of ever fantasising or masturbating to guys. I am now in a 2 and a half year relationship with a girl that I love to bits and had been saving for an engagement ring but now I am in complete turmoil. Okay skipping forward to December again after a few weeks of thinking am I gay continually (and i mean continually from when I open my eyes in the morning to closing them at night) I hhad to know if I was gay and started picturing kissing a guy and getting anxious and that got nowhere and slowly this escalated to seeing if I enjoyed imagining sex with a man all this ddid was make me more and more anxious, every guy I speak to I worry I fancy them, if I even see a guy or catch a guys eye aas I walk through town it terrifies me and I get a jolt through the body. I read online to test yourself using gay porn so I looked up gay porn images for about 5 min and I felt terror I didn't get an erection and closed it as I jsut didn't want to look at it anymore. Although its stoppped now back in Jan I would be talking to a girl or guy and just BAM would suddenly see them there with an erect penis which would just think I am starting to go mental. With my girlfriend now the only time I get a full scale erection is with her even when I try to masturbate I never reach a full erection (other time is during my dreams in which I do I have had so many gay dreams since this all began and have woken up with an erection, whether this means anything or not I just don't know). So I found online that you can have HOCD which I know fgrom reading peoples views on this site is that it doens't exist but I ended up going to CBT therapist who says I have OCD. I have various obsessions through my life ins grammar schoool I was convinced I had BO and would go through a can of deoderant in 2 days and continually ask people if I smelt and smelly myself every class to make sure I didnt and would shower about 3x per day. I would get obsessive over girls to a creepy level and over the summer there became obsessed over my physique (I have always wanted a 6 pack and be a fitness model but have always carried weight around my stomach, stomach that drive me mad, my friends have always thought I have a body dis morphia problem as they dont see anything but frankly its all I think about when I look in the mirror) and I would follow fitness guys on facebook and would have looked at topless guys all the time in just in admiration . I don't know whether I have suppressed something in looking at them but before this I had never questioned fancying them or finding them sexually attractive; they were attractive yes to an extent that that was what I had wanted to look like. I am just not convinced that the CBT therapist is right that I have OCD but I am just not convinced and have kept trying to think these gay fantasies to see if I like them. They are starting to interfere with my life though, I end up stuck thinking them in work, church, gym, with friends, with girlfriend that I just get nothing done. I am exhausted, I don't sleep as I know when I close my eyes I will get gay images coming to mind and they just stress me out. I get these horrendus urges to look up guys and masturbate to them which is why I am convinced it is denial, fighting the urge literally makes me lie in bed shaking and I just can't take it any more. On Friday I pictured a muscley guy in my gym in my fantasy and got a slight reaction I got a semi erection for the first time and ran home in terror and masturbated to it but I couldn't get a proper erection. This happened again in Tesco yesterday i got a massive urge when shopping that I had to look them up and again got the same response and did the same and again this morning after church. If I am gay I would rather just accept it than have this craziness and these urges they are debilitating me and I am depressed I can't get out of bed I just want to be alone and have started cutting my thigh in order to stop the thoughts and urges. While Christian I am tolerant to LGBT my mum is gay but ruined my dads life for 20 years as she was having affairs while he was stuck at home looking after us and I just don't want that to happen with my wife should that happen. I love her far too much to see her stuck in some crappy marriage with me when she is potentially what I just do not want. I know this is long but please help before I go insane, I have been getting more and more thoughts of ending my life as I just can't go on like this I am sick of the fear and anxiety and doubt I think of nothing else but whether I am gay.
