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Internalized shame

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Serph990, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. Serph990

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    I have always been drawn to men physically, emotionally and sexually as well but unlike other people I consider myself a late bloomer in a lot of aspects to my sexuality. I think being a demisexual/having an infrequent low sex drive played a big part in it but nonetheless, the one defining fact that has remained with me for a long time now is my pining for romance and an emotional connection with a guy. I didn't really come out and consciously accept that I indeed am attracted to men until I turned 21 when I had my first legitimate crush on a guy and actually tried to pursue something out of it, I'm 24 now btw. For three years it was somewhat okay, never mind the depression and anxiety, because I hid behind the label of a bisexual since I was afraid of my friends judging me completely. My only intent in those infant years was focusing on one day coming out as gay, being accepted, and finding a lovely guy to be with for the rest of my life, that hope kept me going. However, as the years went on I began being more authentic with myself and accepting that I honestly was only attracted to men in all the senses and harbored little to none for women in those respects. I think my friends finding out I was actually gay and then cutting ties with me because of it allowed me to fully "come out" to myself. Doing that however really took a toll on me mentally as I now found myself questioning, doubting, and fearing the future and life in general like I've never done before. Now's where I've become attuned with the fact that life could possibly be hard as a gay person, the rejection , hatred, homophobia, self esteem issues, not having anyone to identify physically here, the scariness of putting myself out there to date and if I ever find someone all has been looming over my head for the past two years now.

    In that time I found myself scrutinizing every aspect of my sexuality and though I would consciously embrace and admit that Gay is AMAZING! I found that my mind was internally trying to find ways to negate that and convince me it was wrong, shameful, hopeless and that heterosexuality is the only accepted concept. If you read my previous posts you'll find that I went through a horrible 2 year phase where my mind tried to convince me that I was bisexual even though, like I said, I had no attraction to women. Every waking moment was just spent with my mind running with scenarios of me turning out to not be gay and how robbed I felt by life if that ever turned out to be true. The thought of all those years of mental anguish, the fight to accept my sexuality and final acceptance simply being thrown away when life plays a cruel joke on me and introduces a woman into my life, I felt jaded and angry. I would come across men who identify as gay but have been attracted to women sexually or otherwise and I woul often feel like I was being betrayed, like my gayness was simply a fabricated fraud that one day will turn out to be untrue and people like my family whom I struggle to get validation from will eventually say "I told you so, you were just confused!"

    Thanks to some kind people here on this forum, I realized that I can't spend my life being dictated by "what if" thoughts, especially the thought "what if I meet a girl in the future" because life is full of possibilities just as the possibility that the ceiling could collapse on me right now and kill me, the possibility that a girl could walk into my life is apparent but it's also very minuscule. So yes, I'm not at as bad as I was before in those thoughts but I still am struggling and find that my mind is doing whatever it can to convince me otherwise. I currently find myself in situations where I will force myself to look at heterosexual porn and try to gauge my arousal level and I have to admit to you, it's nothing less than torture. I just do not find women to be attractive in that way, I can try and try and try to get myself aroused but everything feels so unnatural, forced, and unpleasant. I find myself seeking out these gay men who purport to be attracted to women and have slept with some and I find myself getting angrier and angrier to the point where I feel like being gay is not something that exists, it's just a mirage and I am foolishly holding out hope that things will get better for me. Every time I come across another gay man, I'll find myself thinking "well are they really gay or a person who totes around percentages ie 90 percent gay, 10 percent hetero and thus making 'gay' a non legitimate thing"

    I feel a lot of this stems from the fact I desperately try to seek validation and approval from my family and considering they're come from a culturally and religiously different background,South Asian (Indian) and Catholic, they're just not going to get it. I feel like my mind is manifesting all my worries and doubts into these self destructive actions I seem to play out and it's just horrible. I just don't know how to relax or be hopeful for the future especially when these self deprecating and militant ways of thinking come in waves and have been ruining my life for years now. Someone here told me I am feeling this way because I have finally accepted being gay and am now closer to coming out but my mind is naturally recoiling in fear of what would happen if I came out and if that's true, will I ever get over this? How can I stop testing myself and not watch straight porn and how do I even go about not doubting and judging other gay men their sexuality? How do I convince myself that being gay is in fact a very legitimate thing and not some fabricated concept that's all about sex and very little about love and commitment? I feel so lost and confused and I hate the way I think :/
     
  2. healthjunkie

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    I am not exactly sure how I should respond or help, but I managed to write the below reply:

    Since your parents are from a culturally and religiously different background, you were raised in their beliefs and traditions, and so, you were taught that being gay is wrong and associated shame and guilt to it. So I think that you're problem is that you have not fully accepted yourself yet. Though you do confess you like men, and admit that 'gay is amazing' you somehow still associate being with another man is something to be ashamed of.

    I think what you need to do first is give yourself more time, think out of the box, and most importantly love yourself. Stop forcing yourself to watch straight porn, and stop idealizing opposite sex marriage and believing that thats the only way to happiness. Perhaps what might help you is believing that a relationship with another man could make you just as happy if not more.

    You ask how to convince yourself that being gay is a legitimate thing - and my answer to that is: look at yourself. You obviously did not chose to be gay nor do you look for just sex with another man, but rather an emotional connection (love), which in my opinion is enough to tell you that its not some fabricated concept that revolves just around sex. Also, homosexuality is natural, as there are many animals that engage in homosexual behavior.

    Give yourself some time, and love yourself. Only when you accept yourself, people will accept you. The idea of coming out to someone might be scary and you might feel vulnerable for doing so, but vulnerability is not weakness. The more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the more courages you are.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
  3. Serph990

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    I am not ashamed of being in a relationship with a guy though, in fact I think it's beyond lovely and I ideally want to be in one but I have self esteem issues, social anxiety and feel like I can't seem to click with people so I don't think anyone is out there for me. Hetero relationships are quite foreign to me, I'm by no means upholding them as a standard of normalcy and what's "right", if anything, my ideal scenario of romance and a fulfilled relationship is with a man. I think my shaming comes from the fact that others around me feel like being gay or otherwise is not the norm so I am merely projecting their attitudes onto me. I think gay is perfectly normal and wonderful, I just am taking the burden of their attitudes onto me and that's causing my mind to want to change to appease their whims. Thanks for your feedback though, I appreciate it.
     
    #3 Serph990, Apr 12, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2015
  4. healthjunkie

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    Have you tried looking for LGBTQ+ support groups? Im asking that cause maybe being surrounded with other members of the LGBTQ community might help, and you might find people you click with. They are many types of gays, I am pretty sure you will eventually find a group you'd like to hang out with, and someone who loves you.

    Also, have you ever thought of coming out to your family?
     
  5. Serph990

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    I have, as many people here have suggested I do so, but I am still very apprehensive. No one honestly believes me when I say this, at this point I don't really care if people believe me or not, but I just have had negative and disappointing interactions with people in general all throughout my life. People who've only wanted to talk to me to get something, those who were unnecessarily rude or homophobic, bigoted, racist, transient and just on a whole different plane as me so I have always had trust issues and part of me feels like going to a support group is possibly the same, not as extreme but it'll just be people I feel different and odd around. The place I live in, I've observed in a social sense people only want to associate with you if you have the same sort of "ideals" in life ie how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, what job you have, if you have one that is, if you're a partying type of person and you drink etc
    Of course I have thought about coming out to my family but now is definitely not the right time, it'll take some time before that happens.
     
  6. healthjunkie

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    Well, I can imagine what that feels like but don't give up. In every society there are good and bad people, no matter where you are, no matter where you go. For one, I am not so into the party scene (actually not at all), but that doesn't mean I'll be lonely. People have different tastes and preferences.

    Although you say you've had many bad interactions, I think its worth giving the LGBTQ+ support groups a shot. Usually, people there have been through a lot, and so tend to be more accepting. Try to always be optimistic and have faith that things will work out, be it finding friends, a boyfriend or even a not so bad reaction when you come out to your family.

    In the meantime, just love yourself. Hope for the best. And take it a step at a time, don't be hard on yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Serph990

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    yeah thanks, I guess. I appreciate the feedback