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I can never figure it out

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by martymcfly321, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. martymcfly321

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    When I look back at my childhood, when I got the chance to be home alone, I would put on my moms cloths, makeup, and even paint my nails. Not always together but yea. I never really thought much into it until I was a lot older. I'm 29 now and I've been watching gay porn for years. I'll watch straight porn too but not nearly as much. I always cum really hard watching gay porn but after i'm finished, I don't feel gay anymore. It feels like I take care of that once a day gay urge and then its gone for the rest of the day. I've always dated women but i've masterbated to gay porn even while dating them. Our sex has usually been great. I look at my girlfriend that I have right now and its making me question our relationship because we've been dating for just over a year and I'm honestly losing my sexual drive towards her. She's asked me on several different occasions if I'm still attracted to her and I am. We are pretty much best friends and have a million things in common yet I still watch gay porn. I've been with a guy sexually once and it was super awkward at first but once we got into the heat of it, I was't nervous at all. I remember thinking, "holy shit this is really happening finally." After we finished and I went home I thought for sure I was gay. I really enjoyed the sex and honestly tested myself by looking at different girls on facebook that i've always thought were really hot and wasn't feeling any urges at all. At that point I was like, "well i guess i know what I am now, I'm gay." that only lasted for a few days though because then i started to think about them again. That was 3-4 years ago and I've thought about that night a lot when i masturbate. I've even thought about it once or twice will having sex with my girlfriend. I've used dildos and love to use them but have to hide them because god forbid my girlfriend finds them. I dont know, writing all this down makes it seem like the answer to my sexuality is right there but i still just dont know what I am. I think I'm bisexual but when im masterbating to gay porn I'll tell myself that i want nothing to do with women because I am gay and that just turns me on even more but of course, after im done, i dont fell gay anymore. WHAT THE HELL AM I???
     
  2. EpicConfusion

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    It sounds like you're bisexual, but you feel that label is invalid. You have to come to the personal understanding that you don't have to choose. You can like both sexes if that's who you are. Your sexuality is probably fluid and that's why you do and don't feel attracted to each gender at certain times.
     
  3. martymcfly321

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    I've asked the one person that really knows about my gay urges and she said the same thing pretty much but i just don't know. I guess I've never really thought about my sexuality as fluid.
     
  4. EpicConfusion

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    Is there anything in particular that makes it hard to understand for you?
     
  5. martymcfly321

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    Just that at any certain moment I've got really big urges for gay sex and it's all I think about but like right now, I'm really in the mood for a woman. It's never really like "yea that guy is cute" it's usually just "yea I'd like that guy to fuck me."
     
  6. Jax12

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    That's the same for me as well. I try not to doubt it question myself a lot because things can change, and I realize that my sexuality is very fluid, despite identifying as homoflexible. I know that I have a preference for guys, so identifying as mostly gay would be correct as well.

    When I watch gay porn I feel like I'm gay which isn't really the issue. Rather, the fact that after I'm done porn and I feel a bit different is what makes me question my sexuality all the time. But then I realize that things may change, and if I like guys right now then I'll go with that.
     
  7. EpicConfusion

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    Based on this, I would definitely say you are a fluid bisexual.
     
  8. martymcfly321

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    I feel like I never really think about being in a relationship with a guy. I only think about having sex with him
     
  9. EpicConfusion

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    Maybe you're a heteroromantic bisexual?
     
  10. martymcfly321

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    there are seriously way too many categories lol
     
  11. Jax12

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    Exactly. Just because I identify as bisexual, it doesn't mean my attractions are the same as another bisexual individual. There's so much variation even with labels. You can think of gay, straight, or bi as templates, then from there you make the label into your own that is unique to you.
     
  12. maybgayguy

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    There are a ton of labels. Obviously, the key is being ok with who you are. You are not straight...and this is a good thing!

    You may not be into men romantically but only sexually (as you have noted.) However, I will note that is how I felt for a long time. I have always watched gay porn but thought it was just the sex. But now I really want that romance in addition to the sex. It may be that my desires have simply changed or that I repressed the thought of romance with another guy earlier in my life. Now I think about it all the time. My desire for women is still there but much reduced compared to men in every way.
     
  13. martymcfly321

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    how long did you feel like that before you finally wanted the romance part?
     
  14. EpicConfusion

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    I agree that there are a lot of labels. It's difficult to explain something that is so varied and dynamic with just a few words.
     
  15. maybgayguy

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    A long time...15 years maybe. I never let myself feel it I think. Of course, I bought gay porn, phone sex, etc. I lived in a small town for a long time and felt I could act on anything. I put up walls. I am not saying you are doing this but it is what happened to me. I really want a relationship with another man.
     
  16. martymcfly321

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    right now I feel like im gay. I want to be with a man sexually and romantically but guaranteed i wont feel this way tomorrow.

    ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2015 at 11:44 PM ----------

    maybe i just need to find the right guy?

    ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2015 at 11:45 PM ----------

    and does the fact that i'd prefer to be bottom mean anything different versus wanting to be a top?
     
  17. EpicConfusion

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    I don't think your top/bottom preference has anything to do with your orientation. Is it possible that you are not ALLOWING yourself to have homosexual or homoromantic feelings a lot of the time?

    If you are not currently in a relationship with a female I would suggest seeking out a relationship with a male and see how that feels to you. I don't mean a strictly sexual relationship, but an actual romantic relationship.
     
  18. martymcfly321

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    i am in a relationship with a female though
     
  19. bi2me

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    I don't mean for this to sound unsupportive, but maybe you need to reconsider your relationship or tell her what's going on. It seems pretty clear these feelings aren't going away, and you will either need a partner who is supportive of your fantasy life or allowing experimentation/open relationship.

    Fast forward your life 5 years... What do you want it to look like?
     
  20. martymcfly321

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    we've been together for a year now and shes pretty close with my family. They are all against the gay lifestyle so that would be pretty disastrous if she found out or my family