Hi everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am really starting to freak out -- the anxiety I'm having over this issue is affecting my life big time. Here's the story: I am a very, very girly girl (sorority girl, work in fashion, etc.) who for my whole life has been straight. Straight as an arrow. But there's always been some lingering thing in the back of mind...reasons I'm scared: 1. A few times in my life I've found myself obsessed with/admiring women in my life who I look up to. First it was two high school teachers: I wanted to know EVERYTHING about them. Then it was a celebrity female TV presenter. Then it was a professor in college. Most recently it was an actress. The thing is, none of these attractions were sexual. They were more...obsessions and fascinations with every aspect of their life, and every time it was someone I looked up to/admired. 2. (Sorry if this is gross) my earliest memory of looking at porn was looking at pregnant women having sex with straight men. I am still turned on by this. It's a weird fetish and I don't know what it means. Mostly I imagine BEING the pregnant girl in that scenario or being in a threesome watching a man have sex with the pregnant girl. Other than that, I look at straight porn and I'm not attracted to the women in these videos. For the most part I'm looking at the men, imagining they are male celebrities I'm attracted to. 3. I've been in sexual relationships with men and enjoyed them. DEFINITELY. No problem getting turned on. But I've only been in one really serious relationship and it was when I was in college, my first boyfriend, etc. I was more into the IDEA of him than him, but I was young. Since then I've sex with countless guys I was attracted to, one of whom was an extended "hook-up"/quasi relationship that totally emotionally destroyed me. I've also been in several emotionally-charged long distance things, and I wonder if these types of relationships were like, me being able to be "close" with someone without actually having to go through the motions. All of these things together have made me wonder about my sexuality on and off since I was around 13. When I've been in a relationship I've pretty much forgotten about any of these worries, but when I'm out of one, like I am now, I start to flip out again. I don't know any lesbians in a close, friendship sense and I'm actually terrified of getting to know one in case I become attracted to her. My friend group is VERY VERY hetero...bro types, girly girls...I don't even know how the people in my life would react to this revelation of mine, if I decided to "experiment." Not to mention my parents... What brought up all these feelings recently was that so many of my friends are starting to settle down into marriage and I'm just no where near that. I can't even imagine being in a relationship like that with a man. I kind of can with a woman, but not in a sexual way...more a, I've been surrounded by female friends my entire life and I'm used to their company kind of way. I've never been in a serious enough relationship with a male to know what wanting to be married to one would feel like. I guess what I'm looking for is support, advice...I don't know. I'm really scared. I'm terrified as to what even experimentation would mean for me. I've identified so strongly my entire life as a straight person that I can't even imagine changing everything I think about myself, admitting bi/gay/whatever to myself, you get the idea. Help, please...?
The process isn't about accepting your label, it's about accepting yourself. You don't need to label everything about yourself - labels describe you not define you. Try not to get hung up on them. But from what you say, it sounds like you are something like a kinsey 1. Situational same-sex attraction, with mainly heterosexual attraction. Spoiler
First, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you're afraid of. Being alone? Being gay? Do some soul-searching. Also, and I know this is easier said than done, but just relax. When the time is right, you will find the right person and everything will line up. Speaking from personal experience, I didn't find someone I truely loved until I got to know myself better. I had to figure out my stance on religion, my sexuality, what my career goals were, what my life goals were, and so many other things about myself before I felt secure in a relationship. For me, this took about 4 years. My best suggestion is to just get to know yourself. Find out who you are and what you like to do, even if you can't figure out your sexuality just yet.
I really appreciate the response, thank you. Self-acceptance is difficult and I really do hate the idea of labels. I just want to be who I am and go with the flow, you know? And I guess experimenting (like, going out with a girl...) seems like so much EFFORT. So much effort and anxiety. But I feel like that's the only way to really know for sure? Right now it's gotten to the point where I'm so anxious and afraid I can't think of anyone in a sexual way. I just want to sleep. This seems destructive. Does anyone have any advice on self-acceptance? I don't know how to get more comfortable with these thoughts, or stop being scared...it's all just very terrifying.
Maybe I missed something when I was reading? But you sound pretty straight to me. If you aren't completely straight though, it is nothing to freak out about. As the other poster said, learn to accept yourself. Love you. Also as stated, you MAY be a kinsey 1 if anything with very slight same sex attractions.
Ah, re: KTaylor's response...thank you!! I have been doing a lot of that. I guess I'm afraid of being alone, yes, and not having children. I feel like everyone around me is starting to do that and if I don't hurry up and figure out if I want to be married to a man, or figure out some other arrangement with a woman, I'll miss out on the time frame in which I can have kids. I want biological children for sure. And yes, I'm afraid of being gay. I've thought of myself as straight for my entire life. What would calling myself a lesbian mean? I feel like that would literally up-end everything I've ever thought of myself. Not to mention I can't even imagine holding hands with a girl, let alone sleeping with one. I mean, I was a sorority girl! I was all over girls all the time and never once felt a physical attraction, but that's not the same as romantically touching someone. What really scares me is the possibility that I'm suppressing thoughts/feelings/etc out of fear. Like, am I dating unattainable men so I don't have to be with a woman and admit to being attracted to one? Or am I genuinely not into girls? Or, am I scared of being around lesbians because I'm afraid I would become attracted to one? I have no clue. And also, how much of my environment affects the way I am? I love flirting with guys, love sleeping with men, etc...but is that because I genuinely love it, or because I'm conditioned to be that way by my peer group? Sorry, I feel like I've over-thinking...I really appreciate you guys listening. ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2015 at 10:22 AM ---------- The things that make me think maybe I'm not straight are that I've had these intense obsessions/fascinations with female celebrities and teachers, and I am turned on by porn involving certain types of women (they are having sex with men in the porn I watch). I feel like a lot of gay women must relate to this celebrity/teacher obsession? I literally wanted to know everything about these people...where they lived, everything about the boyfriend/husband, their kids, their interests, etc. I never thought of making out with them or anything. Just an intense desire to know EVERYTHING. Is this a common thing for straight women to have these fascinations? That, and having not had a really substantial, grown up relationship with a man outside of extended hook-ups and childish dating. Plus, I've never really been around many lesbians. I'm afraid I'll want to date one if I get around one! ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2015 at 10:48 AM ---------- Re: KTaylor: thank you for the response! What am I afraid of? Yes, being alone. I want to have biological children with SOMEONE and I feel like I need to figure out who that someone will be sooner rather than later. Am I afraid of being gay? Yes, because it will change everything I've always thought about myself...I've always considered myself straight. I feel like that's such a dramatic change to make/really rocks your identity. I'm afraid of alienating my friends and family. I have a large and very active social life, but everyone is straight, except for a few gay guys. I don't want anyone to feel awkward about any "experimentation" I might engage in. And re: bicomplicated...thank you for the response, too! I guess the female obsessions/fascinations with famous people/teachers freaked me out. I wanted to know everything about them but never once did I want to sleep with them or kiss them. It was more, where do they live, who are they dating/married to, loving watching them on TV or in class...just real admiration and thinking they are totally awesome. I don't know what this is about? Then also, the porn thing...what's that about? It's so confusing. The porn I watch always included men but I don't know if that's because I'm limited myself or I actually enjoy it. I think if I watched lesbian porn I'd just be like, meh, but who knows? I don't. Then on top of that, lack of emotional connection with a man. This worries me. I've started going on ****** and looking at girls at it's really weird to see what's out there. I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of intrigued. But I don't know if that's because it's new, or it feels like sorority rush (lol...) or what. Any more thoughts? All appreciated
I get the sense that a lot of this is down to anxiety as opposed to attraction to women. Is it not probable that a lot of this is being triggered by the fact others are settling down around you and you're not in a place, for whatever reason, where you feel ready for that? It's one thing to have obsessions growing up and yeah sometimes that can be a sign, but to go on to say you can't even imagine holding hands with a girl, but love sleeping with men... well it sounds pretty straight to me The porn thing, many people have little fetishes, you'll find if you read through this site many people watch porn that isn't actually reflective of their sexuality. It's not uncommon. As to why you go for unattainable men, well I think that is the question. But I don't think you'll find the answer in some deep hidden lesbian tendency. It just doesn't point that way from what you've said. This coming from someone who was in denial for several years. That said, there is nothing wrong in ignoring labels, and dealing with life as it comes your way, who ever you meet and whatever happens, you will face it when it does.
I follow on twitter many girls who are totally obsessed with celebrities, especially middle-aged actresses, who claim themselves to be straight. :icon_wink
Everybody watches different types of porn. Porn is a poor indicator of your sexuality. And yes, many straight women have celeb obsessions. A lot of straight women can notice beauty in other women. To me the difference in the way a straight women notices a beautiful woman and the way I notice a beautiful woman is like this. Straight woman : She is so beautiful. Omg look at her tan. Man she looks like she works out. I am sooo jealous! I wish I looked like her, etc... And her is ME: wow, that girl is hot. Dang, she really turns me on. Try not to stare at her boobs. I wonder if we would click? Dang....she IS really smokin hot tho...blushes. see the difference? Not trying to deminish your feelings. You might have some same sex attractions... You very well could be slightly bisexual. Hetroflexible is the term I believe...? I hope you figure things out and be happy
Thanks all for the replies. It's very comforting to hear from people who can sympathize with me without judging. So, I have another question...has anyone ever been SCARED of touching the same sex for the first time for fear of the feelings it may ignite? That's one of my major fears. I've touched girls plenty of times in a non-romantic context and felt nothing, but this would be different. You know, if I decided to go on a date an experiment. One more thing -- I have a history of terrible anxiety and depression. Scouse mentioned this might be more of an anxiety issue than a sexuality issue. LOL, possible! Entirely possible. When I get in these periods of feeling "Am I a lesbian?" or "Am I bi?" (they happen once every five or so years...maybe??? I don't know, it hasn't been an intrusive thought in a long, long time) my anxiety goes OFF THE CHARTS. I mean, I can't even function properly. I've been on anxiety meds since age 14 but sometimes I do fall off the wagon and forget to take them, get lazy about it, whatever. I'll admit I'm in one of those periods. I just can't shake the idea that straight girls don't have these "talent crushes" on women they admire. I feel like I'm weird for being so into Kristen Bell/my acting teacher/etc. that I want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. Literally, everything. That seems...not straight to me. I don't know. Am I crazy? Then again, as I type this I'm about to go over to see an ex and will probably have a hard time not having sex with him. But I don't know if I'm doing that to ward off my anxiety/gay feelings or if I'm ACTUALLY into him. This just sounds like a bundle of nerves, huh? Any other thoughts?? I love you guys for responding.
