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Fell in love with a girl?? Help??

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by IAmNobody, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. IAmNobody

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    I'm a 20 year old female currently heavily questioning my sexuality, and trying very hard to keep my parents from finding out.
    I didn't know there was anything but straight people until my late teens, as I grew up in the bible belt and I was sheltered.
    Eventually I got into the anime/cosplay community, and that introduced me to the lgbt community. Even then, I didn't question my sexuality. That being said, I've never dated a boy. I always had excuses for why I never had a boyfriend, even into my late teens. I've never gone looking for love.
    When I was 17, I met this girl. We got to be friends, and then close friends.
    After a year or so, we were cuddling and holding hands. Neither of us considerd that it was "gay" behavior, we just know we enjoyed being close.

    Eventually, my mom caught us cuddling, and immediately expressed her discomfort about it.
    She claims to be very open minded, but she also says things like, "you can tell me if you're gay, yaknow. But you're not.". And "Stop acting gay when you're not gay!"
    Eventually, my affection towards this girl became apparent enough for my parents to get seriously concerned. They took my phone, and read all my personal conversations, demenading to know who this girl was to me. I still insisted I was straight, at that point.
    We've since had several arguments over my feelings towards this girl.
    I love her. I love her more than anyone I've ever been close to before.

    I didn't allow myself to even question my sexuality until she kissed my cheek and I realized that I wanted to return it, and then some.
    This girl and I are still close, but I'm so uncertain of myself...
    My mother says that if I want straight, she would have noticed when I was a kid. She says she has a good "gaydar" and she would know.

    My whole family says that they know I wouldn't fall in love with a woman, but I already have...
    My mother has also expressed extreme discomfort in my gender exploration. My parents continue to say that I am wrong about how I feel about it and that I am brainwashed by the internet. That scares me because I am a fairly suggestive person, but surely I have my own personality and opinions...

    I'm honestly scared to post this, and at this point, I almost can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with this girl, but what my parents say scares me. I'm scared they're right.
    My mom says that I'm "projecting romantic feelings onto a platonic relationship" because i don't have a boyfriend.

    But I love this girl. I want to kiss her, and be with her, and come home to her every day, and I want us to belong to only each other. It would hurt if she got a girl/boyfriend at this point.

    I've never felt that way about anyone else before, male or female.

    Any advice here would be amazing...
    I'm sorry if this seems trivial, or small or insignificant, but I honestly don't know where else I can safely turn, and when I stumbled upon this site tonight, I thought this might be my chance to finally talk to someone in depth about my situation.
     
  2. Ortensia

    Ortensia Guest

    Believe me, this is absolutely not a trivial or insignificant thing; you're in love with this girl. And because I'm a total sucker for all this romantic crap, let me try and help!

    First of all, let me just say how fantastic it is you have accepted your feelings for her, which really is the first step. Do you know if she feels the same about you? Do you know how she feels about LGBT stuff?

    In response to the idea you might have been brainwashed, I can assure you that no matter how suggestible you are, noone can make you fall in love with someone. Noone can even make you attracted to someone. Your feelings are your own and it's great that you're starting to discover and explore them. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

    Your mother sounds like she would not be accepting if you told her about your feelings for this girl or anything related to your sexuality. Whether you choose to tell her at this stage or whenever is really up to you, but I would be prepared for a negative response (although don't lose hope she might surprise you). Just remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Love is a beautiful thing, don't let anyone discourage you from being yourself and loving freely.

    I wasn't sure exactly what area you wanted advice on, so I tried to cover as much as possible. Any specific questions you have, let me know, so I can give a more specific answer.

    Other than that, I wish you good luck :slight_smile: and remember we're all here if you need support or advice or someone to talk to.

    Sending you many hugs x
     
  3. grannysmith

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    Dear somebody,

    For starters: sorry for my English. Tell me when you don't understand something.
    I agree with the first advice given to you.
    For my opinion your mother/parents are indeed brainwashing you.
    no one but yourself can choose who you love. I have even read somewhere that it is kind of allready determined if you are a lesbian / straight when youre 2yo,
    but I do believe that you should love who you love.
    Just should not let that change because of your parents, but also not because of a label like ''lesbian''.
    I think you are going the good way for being @ empty closets. You allready know for sure you want to be with her as well. It is up to you what you do with it.
    But for my opinion youre off the best way with people who love you for who you are without telling you what to do. But you should not forget the pratical implementation of this. Perhaps waiting a little longer will keep you from a lot of trouble when you still have to live with your parents? At least you are honest enough to yourself to accept that you love her. When you are honest to yourself, at least, things can only get better. At least, no matter how hard things could turn out, you are not brainwashing yourself.
    Stay close to yourself! no one can take that away from you!

    hope this helps xxx
     
  4. cherry tree

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    I completely agree with Ortensia and grannysmith: you are not brainwashed just because you question your gender or your sexual orientation.

    It's really great that you know that you love this girl and that you are able to admit your feelings to yourself! It sounds like your mum is not okay with you being anything but straight, but I don't know to which degree she has a problem with it. She probably just wants the best for you, because she's your mum. For people who don't know a lot about the LGBT community it can be scary when their child realises that he/she is not heterosexual. People are often afraid of things and people that are different from what they're used to. That's normal. The things is that there is nothing dangerous or bad about LGBT people and it seems like your mum needs to learn that in order to be ok with your feelings towards that girl.

    I'm not sure if her feelings have something to do with religion, and I'm not religious myself, but I know that there are many, many religious people (no matter which religion they follow) who have absolutely no problem at all with LGBT people. I think the Pope recently said that gay people should be accepted in the church.

    You'll be fine. If you know that you love someone, no one can take that away from you and knowing that you're not wrong because you feel that way is worth a lot!
     
  5. Invidia

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    Hi! Your story is really cute and enchanting. I think it's quite obvious you're not straight and that your feelings for this girl is not fake.
    We fall for who we fall for, it's just like that!
    And yes, that might have some negative consequences sometimes, unfortunately. But if you love this girl, go for it! Don't let anyone keep you down.
    As for coming out, I don't know the perfect way for you to do that. Do feel free to ask further questions on this.

    Stay true to yourself and your love and take care <3 (*hug*)
     
  6. IAmNobody

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    I want to thank everyone so so much for your support.
    I've had a conversation with my mom before about whether or not I might be bi, and she seemed thoughtful, and then she said "You're not."

    Today she informed me that all gay/bi females just don't like boys because they've been abused, apparently. Since I haven't, I know she'll use that to say that I'm straight.

    There was a time, when I was in very thick denial, that I insisted repeatedly that I was straight. My logic was, "well, I want to kiss this girl, but that's platonic, I'm still straight." "I want to hold her hand, but only platonically."

    Long story short, I definitely can't tell my mom anytime soon...
    She makes me really question myself, but then I remember how I feel when this girl kisses my cheek or my forehead or holds my hand, and it reminds me that it must be real...
     
  7. inmyfantasy

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    From what you're saying, I think it's very real. True and genuine and absolutely adorable. And even though I don't know you personally, it really kind of irritates me that your mom is trying so hard to steer you away from it...

    I grew up in the bible belt too, and still live in it today. I understand how people can be in a place like that. I was lucky to have an awesomely accepting and supportive mom, but I'm sure you can imagine the looks and the remarks that I get walking around in public holding my fiancée's hand. Plenty of people have tried to tell me how confused I am. I just tell them that I know who I am, and they're obviously the ones who are confused.

    I'm just going to go ahead and say that NOBODY, no matter how long they've known you or how well they know you (even your mom) can tell you what your sexual orientation is, or your gender identity, or who you are or aren't in love with. Only you are capable of knowing these things.

    I don't mean any disrespect toward your mom, but she seems to be either really ill-informed, or in serious denial. Or maybe a bit of both. I think that if you do choose to tell her, you should be firm about it. It's okay to be unsure about your sexuality, but you do seem to be sure about one thing, even when her words try to get in the way, and that is your love for this girl. When your mom tries to tell you otherwise, simply say I DO love this girl, and not just in a platonic way. In a romantic way as well. In every way. If she continues to challenge it, just don't back down. Keep restating your point. It may not get you far, but it will show her that you truly believe what you're saying.

    Another option is to just let it be, accept that she's going to believe what she's going to believe and don't even argue with her about it. But even if you do this, I hope that you can realize that her saying something doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. I know it's hard, but try not to let her words get to you so much. Listen to your heart above all else.

    And about the girl .. Is she aware that you have romantic feelings for her? Has she verbally expressed a romantic interest in you? Do you have any idea if she wants the same things with you that you want with her?

    Best of luck, keep your head up, and whatever you do don't let go of what you've found, because it seems really special.
     
  8. woahthatsboring

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    You like her, the feelings aren't fake. If you feel them, that makes them real feelings. Simple as that. I can't tell you your orientation, you haven't mentioned much about guys and you only mentioned one girl but that's fine-- one step at a time. You don't necessarily know your sexuality yet, just focus on what you feel for this girl, that is whats important.

    It honestly makes me so upset when parents try to say that you're too confused to know what you want or the internet brainwashed you... Like come on! Did the Internet brainwash to tell me that *sigh* if that was true, everyone is brainwashed, that is totally not true- so the reason is just invalid. I think your mom is pressuring you out of fear. She knew you as "straight" I think all parents freak out a little when they hear that their son or daughter isn't. Plus, she might also want to protect you from the religious world we live in today. Either way, I'm not saying I approve of what she said, because I don't at all but I'm just trying not to tell you not to be too upset because she might be ignorant to the whole thing.

    Personally, my family is very religious too and that makes me scared whenever I question my sexuality too but I think the most important thing is to wait till you feel comfortable to tell them, there's no need to rush so do it when you feel safe and sure of yourself. A good person to talk to might be the girl you mentioned :wink: she sounds like a great friend and in time that might actually devolp into more.

    You've gotten some great advice from above and I wish you luck on your journey :slight_smile:
     
  9. IAmNobody

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    Thanks so much, guys. I really really appreciate the support, like, this is one of the only safe places I can talk about this openly like this.
    This girl and I have talked about our feelings for each other, a lot. We were very very close friends before we started questioning. To us, holding hands came completely naturally. We didn't have to think "is this gay?" we just knew that we wanted to be together, and the rest came naturally.
    It wouldn't be safe for either of us to make anything official right now, but we're not /not/ official, either, technically.
    It's pretty complicated.

    We definitely know how the other feels.
    A lot of the reason I think this is completely real and that my mom is probably in denial, is that I didn't go into this looking to be in a relationship. When I met her, I considered myself 100% straight, and when I was holding her hand, I still thought I was straight. I questioned myself a little when sparks started flying just from having her hands in my hair, or when she'd put her hand on my cheek and give me the most loving look, but I took my mother's word that I was straight.

    I realized I was romantically attracted to her, but I refused to accept the other attraction. I made the mistake of telling my mother, and she got really upset, and immediately told my dad that I was "so confused I was trying to make my best friend into my girlfriend".
    That's just before they took my phone, and went through all of my personal conversations and made me leave my room while they did so, so they could search my possessions. Keep in mind, I'm 20 years old.
    But even that night, as scary as it was, didn't keep me from talking to this girl...it was a bump in our relationship, but it seems like, the more my mom tries to keep us apart, the closer we are...
    One day after we were with each other I think I had kissed her cheek a few times, and after she left, I think I texted her "we're gay as crap, aren't we."
    My mom still thinks we're just very close friends.
    My dad said the other day "See, we'd know if you were gay, because you're smart. You'd have a secret girlfriend by now."
    Well, he wasn't wrong, LOL.

    It's been so nice to have a second opinion on everything, because I haven't really been able to tell anyone else, and even with how strongly I feel for this girl, I've been questioning myself.
     
  10. inmyfantasy

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    I don't mean to get too personal, but would you want to/be able to move out? I know I would in that situation... They may be your parents but you're an adult, and that's a serious invasion of privacy. It actually sounds like the way my fiancée's parents were while she was in high school. She told me they would break her phone every time they found out she was talking to a girl, and then turn around and buy her a new one because they still wanted to keep track of her. She said she went through about 5 of them that way. But, she's 21 now and we're living together happily, out on our own.

    And believe it or not her parents actually realized that they weren't treating her right before, apologized, and now accept her as she is, and even accept me and our relationship as well. So there's always hope.
     
  11. cherry tree

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    I think moving out could be a solution, but I guess there is probably a reason why you still live with your parents so it might be best to try to come up with another solution, at least for now. I didn't know you're 20, but that's an advantage, I guess, because you can tell your parents that you're an adult and that they have no right to go through your personal messages etc. (I mean, parents shouldn't really read their kids' messages, even if they're younger, but you have a better position to argue from when you're over 18, I think).

    It's really, really great that you and this girl both have feelings for each other! As was suggested before, you could talk to her about your situation. Maybe you can find a way together. Even if you can't involve your parents at the moment, figuring this all out with her might be more pleasant than going through it on your own.
     
  12. IAmNobody

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    I can't really move out yet, because my parents purposefully set me up for a "long childhood", so I don't have a drivers license, or a job, or anything like that. I do have a highschool diploma, I just have no means of transportation, or income (other than the art I sell.)
    I plan to move out when this girl moves out, so we can get a place together, (I hope).
    That'll be a couple of years from now. I need to be earning money, and I'm supposed to be getting my drivers permit, and then license, this summer.
    So, I have a limited time, because this girl has to move out in a couple of years, and if I can't go with her, she'll have to find another roommate.
    She's not planning on staying very close to home when she moves, so if I can't make enough money to move out with her by then, I sorta lose her.
    I'm pretty socially anxious, and it's kind of prevented me from going to job interviews and such, but my parents believe that social anxiety is just an "excuse to be lazy."

    So I don't really have the means to move out right now, especially not alone. I will get out though, it'll just take time.

    In the meantime, I'm just so glad to have met her. She's honestly my everything. We've been going through some bumps lately, but we're too close now for anything like that to pull us apart.
    I always want to brag about her, everywhere, but I know it wouldn't be safe, so I just keep it to "best friend" stuff.

    She is amazing, though. I've never felt for anyone, like I have for her. She says the same of me.
    It's one of those things where I'm just so happy she exists.
    I would say that finding out we're actually attracted to each other has complicated things, but to be honest, I think we always have been, we just didn't realize it until now?

    My mom says things like "You treat her like you would a boyfriend..." but she still refuses to accept the idea of me having a girlfriend.

    I do really wish we could be official, but it's one of those things where it's not safe on her end either.
     
  13. IAmNobody

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    Update:
    We're still "together" and I've got a job now, so I'm going to start saving to get us our own place!

    I'm still questioning my sexuality all the time, but right now I'm thinking I might be bi.

    It kinda makes sense with what I've been feeling.

    My parents still don't know, and they can't, because they wouldn't let me see her if they knew.

    It's kinda hard to hide it from them? But I feel like I wouldn't be safe telling them, right now.

    I wanna thank you all so much for being so accepting and wonderful~

    -Nobody~
     
  14. starlights

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    Hi! I just read the whole thread and I'm really happy for you. You don't need me to tell you this, but your mom is overbearing and your parents have no respect for your privacy. That's not cool. Taking your phone and going through your stuff at 20 years old is ridiculous. But my mom is like that too so I know how it feels, and how liberating it is to finally move out!

    Good luck :thumbsup:
     
  15. whattodoii

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    I just read this thread and I think it's really frustrating for you that your mom is so persistent you're straight and that she took your phone. To be honest, I could see my own mom do this too :frowning2:
    I'm happy that everything went so great with your friend!!
    Good luck
     
  16. IAmNobody

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    So, my mom managed to find out, today. We were in the car on the way to get the girl mentioned in this thread, and she kept asking me questions, and eventually everything just kinda came out.

    She actually took it way better than I thought, and I know she's suspected for a pretty long time.
    She just said that it makes her sad.

    It hurts to think that something that makes me happy, makes her so sad.

    Maybe she'll come around eventually?

    She did say no sleepovers anymore, which is reasonable really, and that I can't be in my room with my door closed, which since I live in her house, is also reasonable I suppose...

    But I guess I'm a little hurt that she'd ask me to tell her and then get "sad" when I do...


    I'm very lucky she reacted the way she did, i just hope she's not "sad" around me for the rest of my life...
     
  17. loveislove01

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    I really feel for you...
    I'm thirteen though, and it's gonna be so many more years for me until I can come out.
    I have had this really strong emotional connection to my best friend for two years, and three and a half months ago, she told me she was in love with me. And I care about her too. We have problems in our relationship, but I really don't want to leave her, and neither does she. We both come from families we aren't close to, so to each other, we are family. And losing her would hurt a lot.
    My family is highly homophobic, and cut off ties with my aunt because she married a woman, and they make homophobic comments a lot. It hurts...
    When I come out to them, (hopefully I'm still with her), they'll probably never come around : /

    But, coming out to your mom is probably a surprise to her, and it is a natural reaction for a parent to feel a bit disappointed that their child isn't living the lifestyle they dreamed for them. I think she'll probably come around eventually, from what you've wrote on this thread she doesn't seem too against it like some parents are. Just give it some time.
    And if worst comes and she doesn't want to come around and accept it, then it's going to be hard...
    But remember, it's your life and your future and you should be able to do anything you want, especially since you're an adult and going to move out soon.

    Also, about the brainwashing thing, I think it's the other way around. People are brainwashed to be straight. Most of them...

    Being gay's okay and natural.
    And love's love. You can't control that.

    Good luck with your mom :slight_smile: And your girlfriend~