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Seeming to be lesbian keeps me from happiness it seems...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by grannysmith, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. grannysmith

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    This is an sequel on my other thread. But not necessary to read the other one.
    I have a relationship for almost 4 years with this beautiful and nice guy.
    We have a long distance relationship.
    Ever since I was young I had the struggles lots of you would probably recognize.
    I never could explicitly say I was gay in those days.
    And when I found myself attracted to this girl(friend) I really was sad about it.
    Not only because of the struggles that comes with being a lesbian but also beceause, in some way, I just really feel sad for missing out on these other beautiful creatures that are guys.
    But as the obsession and fear kept going on I'm now almost facing this break-up with the guy I love. :icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad:
    I did hear of the word biromantic and perhaps thats whats going on....

    I love him so badly and I don't want to stay with him with anyother intention than true love, but I no longer can distinguish my motives for him.
    How do you know if you stay with somebody because you love him and not because:
    • You can't bear breaking his heart
    • You can't bear being alone when you had such a long relationship
    • I can't bear with being a lesbian
    • It turns out it actually feels like a brother/friend for you or you have some maternal feelings for him?

    I realised that accepting who you are is a real struggle.
    I kept it so long to myself these doubts. I developed some sort of OCD on this topic (to explain it shortly and I go to a therapist)
    But now I have told both my parents and they both accept me no matter what.
    I hoped that would trigger me to confirm my feelings of being lesbian.
    Because what was even worse (in my head) than actually being a lesbian is the fear that comes with it.

    But now I find myself ennoyed with it after all...:bang:
    I'm no longer afraid of being gay and everyone accepts me.
    But even though the sex with my bf is not that good I do love him.
    But I have to let him go... beceause I must be a lesbian beceause it somewhat feels like it and I should not lie to myself.
    I know that... :icon_sad: but I really don't want to lose him

    Prove for my feelings for girls lie in the fact I have these guilty pleasure dreams about them and also I really felt butterflys for a girl once. The sex with my bf :***:: It's just not like in the movies. I don't get energy from it. I'm also not in heaven.
    But he really is the most beautiful person in the world to me and even though we are both young and need to learn a lot I do have these feelings to want to stay with him for the rest of my life.. even though that's really naïef from a 20yo.

    Hope someone can help me.
     
  2. Alais

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    Firstly, I haven't read your other thread, if there were details there.

    But I've had a similar quandary, and in some ways I am still in it, even though I began coming out as a Lesbian six months ago.

    When I began questioning myself it was several months after I had broken up with a guy, the break up was nothing to do with sexuality, and we very much wanted to be together, but circumstances didn't allow it. I completely and utterly loved - and was in love - with this guy, not in a brotherly way but in a head over heels way. However, from the very beginning, now I have hindsight, I don't remember being physically attracted to him at all. When we first met we had a soulmate type connection, that couldn't be explained, but I can't remember how he looked, and when I imagine him I can only really connect with his eyes. Whenever, I saw photos of him it did zero for me, to the point where I was kind of upset when I was sent the photos because I couldn't see my boyfriend in them at all, it was just this guy there, this male shell and it did nothing for me. He would describe how it physically missed me, and I would say how I wished we were close again, but it wasn't something I could truthfully reciprocate, about touching or missing that side of intimacy. I wanted our first kiss, but even during it I felt immediately like I should have felt differently. I thought perhaps it was my personal experiences blocking a connection. But then it was same with sexual matters all throughout the relationship, they weren't unenjoyable, but at points I was bored and wanted him to be happy, but I lacked both that physical attraction and even the physiological response to make sex more then just wanting to spend time with him.

    Like you I have OCD, and I have overanalysed this to eternity, then had six months of just living with it (out to 10 people or so) and I'm still puzzled. I am sexually attracted to women, I want to smell their hair or touch their cheeks etc. Men's bodies do nothing for me, and sex with them seems like something to tolerate rather than to madly want. However, I don't know that I feel romantically attracted to women, when I imagine having a conversation with someone I like, it is a guy, and if I have a romantic fantasy it is with a man. I think there are elements of hetereosexual conditioning, in that it is more difficult to imagine liking a girl for me, because we are constantly presented with images of romance between men and women.

    What I am getting at by telling you these bits of my life, is hopefully you will feel less alone, and also that I know how hard it is to lose someone you truly love (abet not over sexuality, although it has hindered any potential getting back together). But knowing in hindsight that perhaps it is for the best, even though a year down the line you still miss them. Because for every moment you think about being with him, loving him and being happy together, is the fact that if you aren't sexually attracted to him then you are missing out; he is feeling something towards you that you aren't and perhaps cannot comprehend. Both of you deserve to have richly fulfilling sexual lives (as you've suggested both of you have sexual impulses, rather than being asexual).

    It is so hard, I understand. Maybe things to think are:
    - If this was someone else (male), would I prepared to do x?
    x=focussing on sexual attraction/activities

    - When I see him, do I get a feeling of butterflies, or is a feeling of great happiness that comes from meeting up with your best friend/close sibling etc?
    (When I hug my best friend, who is male, it is an amazing experience, and I feel very close to him, but it's like he is family, a baby brother).

    Even if you realise that sexually you like women, and romantically you like men (and women as well perhaps, biromantically), you are not left with a 100% certainty on your sexuality. I don't know about other people but I came out being pretty sure, but still having residual romantic fantasies about men, and honestly, I think I could've waited for years and still not been 100% sure. I don't know how you decide what label you give yourself, perhaps a better way of thinking on it is what will be best for the future, in a relationship, rather than focussing on the gender. As for losing your boyfriend, well how it ends, if you end it, is not something I can predict. I don't want to depress you, but for me I ended almost all contact with my ex, because it was too hard to love him but to know that I wasn't giving him everything he needed, and vice verse. But your situation, could it result in a best friendship?

    I hope some of these ramblings have helped. I am sorry this reply is so long. You are not alone, I think about these things all the time.
     
  3. grannysmith

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    Dear Alais,

    I want to thank you for your thread. It really helps to know that I'm not alone with these kind of struggles.
    I have to admit: I'm searching for every evidence for why I could stay with my bf.
    But hopefully tonight I'm going to find out. I'm going out with a friend to a gay bar.
    Hopefully it will give me answers. I'm so nervous it makes me sick.
    But I really want to settle things for once and for all.
    You are probably right though: I probably won't be sure right after the kiss,
    but I really do want to bet my relationship some kind of on this.
    He and I both deserve clarification on this issue.
    When I look at other forums on this site I get the feeling it should feel ''right'' to be with a woman. Perhaps it is flight behavior, but I really don't feel like that right now...
    Especially because I don't want my thoughts to be blurred because of shame towards this topic I have told every one who's important to me.
    When my bf and I had a fight he finally gave me the freedom to find this out.
    As stupid as it sounds: right at that moment it felt like enough. I just wanted to be with him and forget all the troubles. (long - distance so I finally got to see him again and stuff).
    But he was very mature and stayed with this choice. Even though everyone around this gave me a loving and accepting reply and even though my bf gives me the freedom I still dream of the scenario where in I come to the conclusion that I am straight or at least bisexual so I can get back in his arms again. It still feels like the best thing that could happen to me.

    Well, as I am going to find out tonight (hopefully at least) things will be clearer I guess.
    At least my life won't revolve around my sexuality anymore.
    No matter how nice sex is, it has played a way to important role in my life so far.
    I will tell what happened later.
     
  4. Alais

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    How did it go at the gaybar grannysmith?

    I totally get the feelings of just wanting it to be a mistake. I sometimes would just like for my old fantasies to happen and for me to want to be with a man like I thought I did then (before I had any sexual experiences with one). It would be great if everything worked out like that, but the truth is that you can't waste your life, if that isn't the case, hoping on a dream that isn't true.

    I'm yet to have my first kiss with a woman, so I can't tell you if it feels 'right'. But I certainly have never felt attracted to someone, wanting to make that physical connection, as I do with women now, before it was just like 'that guy's really hot' but no desire to touch, or anything, more just a need for that person to like me.
     
  5. Jax12

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    I think the moment your lips touch another woman's lips, it will feel... electrifying, like a certain sensation that surges throughout your body, and your instinctively find your hands caressing their body.

    At least that's what happened to me, lol.
     
  6. Alais

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    Sounds amazing :slight_smile:
     
  7. grannysmith

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    Hey,
    Well unfortunately the gay bar turned out as some sort of chicken farm full with 40yo ladys with atmosphere between rugby and carnival so I knew that was not the way to go.
    But I was so frustrated that I could not let this take any longer.
    this tuesday I finally did it.
    I did it with a friend who I did not see all to much but from who I knew would be willing to do this with me, because she acutally offered to do it long before... in a bus!? (back then I refused ofc).
    We did it in a park. The scenery was quite good. It was a beautifull day and we were sitting behind a huge tree around a pond. No one would be able to directly see us from there so that felt quite comfortable. It was a good thing that my friend had a lot of patience, because I was very afraid of getting my second kiss from a person.
    After that we did 1 kiss. Then another for some longer time. And after that a kiss with a little tong.

    I honestly don't know what to think about it. My mom allready told me that I would not be able to find answers by kissing some random person. But, as I read in a lot of forums on this site, I kind of hoped to feel at least the ''right'' feeling as in that, despite if it is a women I am in love with or is pretty or not, it would feel right to be with a female.
    I don't know if I perhaps tried to supress my feelings after all, but I would not see a big reason to do so for me. I allready have comen out to practically everyone and I had permission to sort things out from my bf.

    What I felt during the kiss: to me it was no different from kissing with my boyfriend, except that her face is a lot smaller and her lips were softer and she smelled more girly. Except for that I did not feel any kind of electrical stuff as mentioned above.
    I do know what you mean with that though... It was the thing I felled when I got caressed by the girl I thought I loved when I was younger.
    Is that elektrical thingy the kind of thing you should expect in a relationship as a constant factor? Or is it something that goes away after time?
    I did not feel something like that while kissing this girl (who is at least nice and pretty enough to have felt something) nor my bf...

    I do feel a lot better after I had done it. Even though I don't really know what it means of what I am I felt like I at least tried to look in the mirror and not lie to myself.

    Problem is that I don't know what I am. I really hoped to get some clear answers from kissing her but it did not really. Neither does it solve anything between me and my bf.
    I'm also trough my ideas of how to know what I am.
    I mean... my bf gave me this freedom to sort things out not to go all the way with a lot of women.

    I just would want to have these elettrical feelings for my bf... Because I really do see myself with him in the future. He is a kind of feminine guy who I really like to treasure and we have a lot in common... except in the bedroom.... but thats the whole meaning of a relationship... :bang:
     
  8. Seagypsy

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    Hey you could be bisexual, nothing wig with that! I can love a guy or a girl, and he sounds like the type of guy I would fall for too. Sometimes I also think my feelings are maternal, but maybe that's the masculine side of me appreciating his feminine side and almost feeling like I'm the guy and he's the girl? Either way, I am feeling more comfortable with myself and I hope you will soon too :slight_smile:
     
  9. grannysmith

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    Hey,
    Thank you for your help.
    Perhaps indeed this won't be something I will find out, because I like both genders.
    It is indeed the way you describe. I won't say I am a Tom boy (most def. not), but I do have these kind of desires to sometime treat my bf in a way a guy would for his gf. We talked about this, but he doesn't mind at all. In fact: even though it is totally clear for him that he is not gay he does fancy some kind of role in wich he is submissive and feminine.
    He is also just very very adorable. He has the look that makes you want to take care of him. It's also an issue though that his mother finds it hard to let go of him.

    Well... today I'm going to see him after our break...
    We made a list of ''ways to do it'' that perhaps will trigger the thing we are missing.

    I do love him. I just hope in the right way.
    Perhaps I am expecting to much of it, but I do think I am supposed to say that the sex is awesome for it to be as it is supposed to be.
    Sex is not supposed to be ''just fine'', right?
    I get the feeling its the same as when you ask someone how they knew they were in love and they answer: you just know when you know it...
    It's supposed to give these elektrical feelings thoughout your whole body right?

    And when it really turns out the way that the sex is still not good is it, then, a good moment to break up? I'm really afraid Im to much of a pussy to break his hart even though I know that it will eventually happen anyway if it feels like that.

    Not that I now feel like that. It's really 50/50. If it wasn't for the sex I would just marry him allready.
     
  10. Weregild

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    Grannysmith, I relate to a lot of your experiences, it's weird. Even though they haven't happened to me I feel like I either dreamed about it or that they will surely happen to me one day, haha.
    It's one thing to have a deep connection with someone and another to have sex with them. I fantasize a lot about relationships but wonder if they really have the potential to be fulfilling (as you say, make me have "electrifying feelings").

    Might I ask if you have already considered being an asexual, but perhaps heteroromantic or biromantic? I label myself as bisexual (for now) but I'm also struggling with this.
     
  11. Jax12

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    That's me when I realize I'm attracted to a girl. I get upset about it. I don't like it, but it's been there my whole life (as my same sex attraction has), so with time I suppose I'll be comfortable with it.
     
  12. Alais

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    I think that firstly, there is pressure that 'finding' your sexuality will be this sudden 'OMG this is amazingly right moment', when over thinking and over anticipating this (if you are anything like me and over think EVERYTHING) it means that you may not let go enough in the moment to freely accept and enjoy any feelings.

    However, from what you said before, this friend, you do like, but could it have been that it was not the right situation of feeling attracted to someone to have any magic feelings. One, you love your boyfriend, and even with his blessing, that will be in your mind. Two, as much as sometimes wanting a kiss and having one is great, if you aren't very attracted to that person and wanting more (whatever it is) then there isn't the anticipation to have the feelings that make the kiss good. Or are there? I mean you have suggested that love does not equate to good sex, and I agree that perhaps kissing someone who you don't love or in fact are not madly into, might also be dull. It depends on your attitude to physical relations, some people are very happy with casual liaisons and others don't feel much unless feelings are involved.

    I've really had this feeling: "Not that I now feel like that. It's really 50/50. If it wasn't for the sex I would just marry him already." Perhaps, what you need to think is not 'Am I gay and is this ruining sex and my relationship' but rather, is sex and the need to connect with someone sexually important to me?

    Is the fact that sex is 'just fine', ok with you?
    It would not be with me, and it has troubled me and clearly you are posting here because it troubles you. But is that ok? Can you foresee that the mundane or perhaps lessening of sex due to this in the long-term, perhaps in two or three years, with your boyfriend ok for you?

    You are right, in perhaps inferring, that the expectation of amazingly passionate, romantic sex is quite idealistic, but I wouldn't say it was unattainable, or that it was something you should not want, or go for, if that is appealing to you.

    I honestly don't know what you should do about sexuality labelling or defining yourself. I think you - and probably I- have a way to go in accepting something, label or not. But I think perhaps focussing on your happiness in your relationship will reveal aspects of it and is perhaps the more pressing concern for you.

    It is tough and horrible to think of breaking up. But I also don't like to think of you both settling, or being unhappy with the type of feelings you share, perhaps being different, and I don't know if that future path is any better.

    Sorry for the delay in response. In consolation, my first (and only) time at a gaybar, I was so embarrassed when a girl spoke to me that I couldn't say anything, which is totally unlike me, and I went bright red!
     
  13. grannysmith

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    @weregild:
    That's indeed pretty weird! Well at least it proves that I'm probably not the only one with these exact struggles and that feels good to not be alone.
    I think that in reality nothing can be perfect. The moments that I doubt my relationship are when I just woke up, beceause I then have dreamed about women again. About a short moment in wich they approach me and I get these elektrical feelings trough my body for a short moment, but very severly. When I wake up after such a dream I feel bad, but even though it perhaps tells me something about my sexuality does not mean that the actual characters in my dream are anyway near partner-material for me. Sometimes it's about women who I actually know (friends), but sometimes its just a blur character where I receive arrousal from, because it has female parts....

    Aseksual, biromantic and heteromantic are words I recently know. Well if you ask me I am at least in love with my bf, so despite the doubts of sexuality I at least would indeed call myself biromantic. Being aseksual is also something I thought about, but perhaps I don't quite know what it means. I'm really not someone who constantly thinks about sex and I'm also not constantly fantasizing or anything (both females and males).
    Ofcourse I do think about it sometimes, but I guess you could say that: if it was'nt for the dreams in wich I get other feelings for sex, I would not have even mind it to be a bad thing as things go with my bf now. It, then, would not have been a bad thing. It's just that the grass seems greener on the other side.

    @Jax: I don't really understand what you mean? Even though I accept it from the whole world wathever sexual desires they have I can't lie about it being easier to just be a heteroseksual. So what's the problem with liking girls?

    @Alais,
    Yep, I overthink everything till there is no joy left...
    But even though I know this I do feel like I have to. (the reason I'm in therapy)
    But the same, then, can perhaps go for my bf.
    I totally understand what you mean in the second paragraph. There are so many factors that come along. I wish I could have made life ''ceteris paribus'' at that moment, but unfortunately that's not possible. I just hoped for this feelings of rightness to occur...

    But I did get answers from it that helped me. Because I really was obsessed with the thought of kissing a girl to give me all this answers (bit OCD coming across). So I have more peace in my mind just because it happened. At least I know that I won't get the answer this way for me, so I can stop thinking about that.

    For your other paragraphs I hope that my recent new will give some answers to that:

    Last friday I finally got to see him. As allways we see each other at the train station and run in each others arms. This time as well... Despite the doubts I love him. And the good news: The sex FINALLY WAS BETTER!!!!!!!
    I would be lying if I said I was in heaven, but there finally were some electrical feelings through my body. It was an especially strange friday.
    we got to know each other again, but in a very different way. Since he knew my doubts and that I kissed a girl and stuff he knew where I was coming from. We talked about it and I told him that I also really love him, but I feel repressed to like him for his feminine side, because that would feel unfair to him (being a boy). But he said he doesn't mind. In fact: he mentioned how he actually really does have the feeling of partly being women. And how he somewhat really digs the sumissive feminine role. He could even tell me how he even gets excited over male-body's and penisses. Without being to detailed he, in a nutshell, told me that he totally approves if I love him like I would for a woman. Between the sheets it did not change dramatic things, but it changed the way we look in each others eyes. The way I felt I was finally allowed to adore him for his beautiful (feminine) face. Sorry if I tell to much personal things, but it really changed somehing for me. I did not expect things to be able to change so badly when you know someone for almost 4 years (5 may is our anniversary).

    I still have ennoing dreams filled with pleasure for women that are unbeatable with real life sex with my bf. But the gap just got smaller! For now, I have decided to live together with him as we actually always wanted. But I have, obsessively, warned him for my doubting personality and how I still don't quite kow myself. Even though it would still be my responsibility to break up if I have a problem with things, it is nice to know that he understands. I hope I'm not running away from my feelings, but even though I really feel scared for the future, for now it feels like the right thing to do to be with him. Life is to short to stay questioning and not moving forward. It perhaps is a gamble to just go for it, now knowing who I am, but my bf knows this as well and it does not seem to keep him from wanting to go for it. So at leas it will never be a waste. Neither for me or for him.

    I want to thank you all very much for helping me out. I'd love to get some insight from you guys and answer any other questions you have for me to get me closer to doing this peacefully and assured.

    xxxHelen
     
  14. grannysmith

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    Grannysmith: 1 OCD: 0!

    Dear people who helped me before or are reading this,

    7 may I broke up with my boyfriend with whom I have been for the last 4 years with whom I would have started to live together with this summer, because I think I am gay.

    As you can read in the previous posts I have gone very crazy about this.
    Not only did I just have the love-but-doubts-circumstances, I also have OCD I am in therapy for. I had it in homework and other small rituals, but most important I had it with my sexual orientation:

    No women (no matter how old, no matter how bad on the inside or ugly on the outside) was safe for my ritual. I just had to examine how I just felt about seeing that women and imagine how it would have been to have sex with her, even when I totally did not feel like it. It seriously took my life over. It was horrible. The last days before I broke up with him I slept awful and I cried very much. Even though I loved him I did not care for what the outcome would bring of breaking up with him: if it would have been worth it or if I would have to be lonely for the next years: it would have been worth it if I simply would not feel guilty about my feelings towards women, not feel obligated to these stupid compulsions to examine my feelings with the stupid thought that I would be able to outsmart my sexuality and be able to control it.

    My point is that, with all the discussions about OCD and HOCD excisting I want to tell my story as well: I really had compulsions about my sexual orientation, more than I have ever had compulsions for something else. And for it to be this vanished, for now, feels so great. But it does not mean I'm completely a changed person.
    I'm still someone who needs help and I probably still will need therapy for my OCD.

    It would be dangerous to hold onto ''I have HOCD, so I'm not gay'', because I think it is a combination of 1) being sensitive to getting OCD 2) having doubts about your sexuality.
    My OCD compulsions are really based on my thoughts and convictions about the world and myself. OCD is hereditary and my mom has it, so for me to have it is not a coincidence. For it to nestle itself on my personal problem with being gay is something I had to figure out but with time and honesty to oneself you will get there.
    I really don't see a reason for someone who is straight to have HOCD...
    Why would you worry about being something you don't feel like being?
    I think youre, then, closer, to being paranoid.

    that for the OCD/HOCD part...

    so now I'm starting my journey of finding out who I am... nothing to say here anymore I guess? my closet is empty :grin:... now I will have to figure out a lot.

    What i simply do hate is the fact that even though everyone (mom, dad, religious girlfriend of dad, sister and friends) accept me, I feel afraid about outsiders, even though I live in such a safe environment. Can someone tell me why that is?
    Why am I not just thankfull enough? I feel like I am my only bully about being gay but it does not change the fact that I do feel unsafe, rejected and other stuff with no good reason. I feel so bad for all the people who don't have the accepting environment when it seems to not be enough for me :icon_sad:


    xxx