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Life is worthless when you're this confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DeathWalk, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. DeathWalk

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    Hi

    Not easy for me to do this, please bear with me. First post.

    I'm on my way to university in a matter of months. I've never had a partner. I've made out with two girls in my life, both times which I enjoyed (or at least thought I did?). I've had my heart broken many times over girls and have been on the brink of absolute apathy and suicide multiple times; unfortunately, that is occurring now.

    I've started missing school frequently. Last semester I had a ~90 average across academic studies such as chemistry, functions, physics, etc. And yet now I'm dealing with 70's and have missed more school in the past month than I have in my whole life, and this I mean without any sense of hyperbole. The reason?

    I've been bisexual ever since I delved into the world of sexual thoughts, masturbation, and what-have-you; however, I have always been able to become aroused at the thought of homosexual sex much easier than the thought of heterosexual (vaginal) sex/intercourse. Why is this a problem? Why can't I just accept that I'm leaning on the "Gay" side?

    Because I only love women, and always have, and likely always will. I really wish I was gay. I really do. That would make this pain so much easier to bear. But I am stuck in a volatile crossroads of molten lava where I MAY ONLY FALL IN LOVE WITH WOMEN, BUT MAY ONLY SEXUALLY FULFILL MYSELF WITH MEN. I AM A WALKING OXYMORON WHO LOVES TO LOVE BUT MAY NEVER SHARE HIS LOVE EFFECTIVELY.

    Please, if anyone here can help me, my gratitude is yours. All of it. I love you all.

    What is a curse, if not this?
     
    #1 DeathWalk, Apr 15, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2015
  2. Tightrope

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    I think it's more common than you think. Sexual and emotional attraction CAN differ.

    Don't allow it to be a curse and consume too much mental energy, especially when you're dealing with school. I know that that's easier said than done.

    I say this because I allowed these sorts of thoughts to do that when I was in school and I should have been focusing on learning and grades. I still did, but I could have done better and it bothered me quite a bit and I still think about it.

    The thing that you have to address is whether this has to be dealt with earlier or it can be postponed. That's MY opinion. Everyone's timing is different. The reason I say this is because, if you are bisexual and you're at some place along the sexuality continuum, it may not shift all that much in a matter of years. So, you'll still be a student, you'll still be bisexual, and you'll still be who you are. I wouldn't want all the thinking about it to make you spin your wheels while you have other things to think about, such as school. On the other hand, late high school and early college was when I was at my absolute horniest (another word did not come to mind) and so it's hard, almost impossible, to shut off, so I know what you're feeling.

    So, I can say that all sorts of sexual combinations exist for different people, if that provides any assurance. I am not the best person to ask as to when you should deal with it. Others here may give you some suggestions. I applaud your courage in starting this dialogue.
     
  3. Damien

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    Hi,
    firstly, it sounds like you have a pretty bright future ahead of you, and I hope you can maybe get some counselling to help you through the next few months, which academically are important. Do whatever you have to do to get through.

    Secondly, I will share my own story. I hope this will maybe give you some hope that your situation could change.

    From my early teens (maybe even childhood), I was always attracted to girls, but sometimes there would be a guy who would arouse my interest. What I felt for girls was always 'complete' - sexual feelings, romance, mystery, the lot. But with guys, it was purely sexual - and very intense at that. When I would fantasize about a guy I liked, the sexual experience (during self-pleasuring) was always strong, intense, and impulsive, as though there was some force within me I could not control. But I never felt any romantic or tender emotions towards guys - until recently.

    I'm now 46 years old. I only began to accept my bisexuality about a year ago, roughly the same time as I joined this site. At first, the attraction to guys remained as purely sexual, the only difference being I could now enjoy it less impulsively, since I was no longer seeing it as some sort of 'aberration', as I used to. But over time, I began to question why I could not also feel romantic feelings towards guys. I discovered that there is this very deep-seated, sort of subconscious programming, almost as though from birth I had been conditioned by culture, society, fairy tales, everything, that 'true love' and 'romance' is something that is only found between a man and a woman. It took a bit of open-mindedness, allowing myself to free up my perspective, to begin to really question this. One thing that helped was to watch a few videos of guys being close. I don't mean porn, I mean videos about two guys loving each other, kissing, just holding hands, walking by the beach, whatever. Doing all the things that men and women do when they feel close. This seemed to begin to normalize it for me. I thought, "well, if there are other folks who feel this way, it would be ok for me to, as well". I did not force this on myself. It unfolded naturally, as I began to contemplate what it would be like to just hold a guy, kiss him, etc...not just the sexual stuff, but the tender stuff. I now feel pretty much equal in terms of romantic feelings, with regards to girls or guys. What matters to me now, is the feeling that I could have things in common with someone, whatever their gender, that we could get along well together, like holding each other, etc. If anything, I'm currently feeling more romantic feelings for guys, than for girls. It's kind of flipped. Now I'm not saying this has to happen for you, just that it happened for me, and therefore it is possible.

    But even if it doesn't, even if guys remain purely a sexual interest for you, hey that's ok too. There is simply nothing wrong with you at all. Some folks who are bi can feel sexual attraction to both sexes but only romantic feelings for one. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just part of the wonderful diversity that is human sexual attraction. I hope you can take a deep breath, and know that over time, hopefully with some help from a counsellor maybe, you can begin to find some peace with yourself, some resolution, as I have. I really wish this for you. And if you ever need to talk to someone, or share anything, feel free to msg me on my wall. We are all here to support you on this journey.

    Damien. (*hug*)
     
    #3 Damien, Apr 15, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2015
  4. DeathWalk

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    Wow.

    There are no words that could properly convey my appreciation from both of you. This feeling of worthlessness is always mitigated when those like you go out of your way to help someone like me.

    I hope that romanticism and sexuality align within me someday, where I can have a fully functioning relationship with someone. Then I may finally stop pushing people away so as to protect them from the inane enigma that is myself.

    :bang: :confused:
     
  5. bi2me

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    Most of us have felt alone and in some way wrong. That's a big part of what brought us here. Don't hate on yourself (I'm working on that one myself today), and try to get comfortable in your own skin. It's your choice to embrace any label you choose (or no labels), and you have a lot ahead of you.

    EC has been helpful to me many times in the last 8 months or so since I joined. I hope you find the same support. :slight_smile:
     
  6. DeathWalk

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    Thank you, dear. I hope so, too. I think the term for my "label" is known as bi/homosexual heteroromantic, as in I feel romantically attached to women but sexually aroused by men.