Am I a lesbian?

I have been questioning my sexuality for years now. It comes and goes. I have “just ignore it, I’ll know in time phases”, “I’m gay” phases, and “how could I possibly of thought I was gay!?” phases. So I really don’t trust myself here, because I might just be overthinking and looking at things in a certain way, and even portraying myself to be a less genuine version of myself in what I’m about to write, meaning I’ll wonder if it’ll affect how you answer, and then I wont trust that much either! But now I think I’m starting to understand it, and I think I may be gay, but it’s just not sinking in. There is so much evidence but it’s like I’m wrapped in cling film and it’s like it’s not real. It’s like when someones died but it hasn’t sunk in that theyre gone yet. So here I’m just going to pour my heart out, all the reasons I think I’m gay, and I just need people to be forward with me and tell me what they think, because I think that’ll help it sink in for me.

So here it goes: I think I’m a lesbian because I hardly ever, almost never fantasize over men, not even really hot ones or ones I’ve “fancied”. I can only climax over women when I’m masturbating, even if I was originally turned on by a guy. I’ve always found mens bodies kind of bland or cheesey(maybe arms are nice though), but get turned on by boobs. I like lesbian culture, have had a fascintion with anything girl-on-girl for a long time, and will watch shows just because it’s got lesbians in it. I think lesbian relationships seem sweet, and they make me feel more excited than straight relationships. I think lesbian relationships seem more romantic than being with a guy. I keep getting non-sexual(though I should add that I’m not much of a sexual type person anyway), but kind of giggly/swoony and fascinated obsessions with celebrity women, some I’ve had for a long time, though I’m still unclear of what those feelings are. Maybe it was admiration because I always want to copy their style or something. I once had this same feeling over a famous guy ages ago, and wanted to be like him. I had funny feelings for girls in the past that I liked and was curious and excited about them. I also feel like I “chose” a type of guy to be attracted to, when really I only like their style and look, and kind of wish I was them. Funnily, I also related SO much to Maleficent(Spoiler! Getting her wings back was clearly her finally feeling free to be gay!). I also always wanted to play boys in games when I was little, I’m not sure if maybe that’s something. I also get awkward when people around me start talking about gay people, kind of like “oh no, they might notice me!” which is weird for a person who hasn’t even accepted theyre gay! I’ve had boyfriends in the past but something was missing, I felt I was pretending, but I tried SO hard to feel something. Doing romantic things with them to me was cringeworthy. Aswell, as all the other points, I think maybe with girls I’d feel something.

But I question if I’m a lesbian because I have been aroused by guys before, talking to and making out with them. I also climaxed with them without having to think of women. I’m also aroused by mens parts when theyre excited, but nothing else about men. I also properly fancied guys at school when I was younger. I never properly fancied girls like that. I’ve bonded and become attached and possessive of boyfriends before, but there was never really that spark you hear people talk about. But I don’t know if that’s just me, and I’m not the kind of person to feel a spark.

So I guess I seem like I’m bisexual, but that doesn’t feel right. Then I just think that I might as well just be with men my whole life, but that just doesn’t feel RIGHT somehow. It feels fake.

If there's anyone who's up the task of helping me i'd be so thankful. I feel so confused and muddled up. Thanks for reading this far

 

The things that keep me from identifying as lesbian is that I got very aroused making out with guys and talking to them sexually, liked it when they were hard, am aroused by mens parts in porn, and have only ever had "proper" crushes on guys, but that was when I was much younger.

Bisexual doesn't feel right to me because being with guys emotionally and romantically feels forced. I think that if i'm bisexual, then I might as well just date guys, but I then I get a feeling of really not wanting that, so it goes back to lesbian. When I imagine being romantic with a guy, it feels wrong, when I think of being romantic with a girl, it feels sweet and exciting. And aswell as that, i'm sexually aroused by girls. So yes, maybe homoromantic bisexual Or I may be a straight person who hasnt met the right guy yet or isnt a very romantic person and is overthinking it :/