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My body is betraying me. Not sure if I like it or not.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by boki, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. boki

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    Hi all. :slight_smile: I have been lurking here for awhile now because of what I am currently experiencing and finally got the nerve to post. My hands are shaking so bad now because I am having such a hard time dealing with this and this is the first time I have discussed it at all with any one.

    Where to start? I am a 34 year old woman that has never been into women before. I was in an abusive relationship for the past 5 years or so with a man. I transferred to a new office at work and met a very aggressive black woman, I am white, that helped me get away from my ex bf. I am on the quiet side and tend to tolerate things I don't like and hope they will stop if I ignore it. She let me move in with her and basically became my best friend. But now it seems I have gone from the frying pan into the pot.

    Shortly after I moved in, she began to touch me on the arm when we spoke and make flirtatious comments and compliments to me. And leer at me. She is much much larger than me. My head only comes up to her chin and she is extremely busty and strong from college sports. Soon, she started "accidentally or "innocently" touching or bumping into me with her boobs or hands or hips or whatever.

    Then she started to hug me for any reason at all. Hello, goodbye, any reason. I hate to be touched at all because of the abuse and my head was basically in her boobs because of the height difference so I hated this. She would say I was just "being weird" and I needed to get use to be touched again any way and she just likes to touch so over time I did get use to it. She has started to prance around the apartment with next to nothing on at all and I am always Accidentally catching her nude or dressing. She always is checking and catching me looking at her which only makes her more aggressive with me and makes me blush. To be honest, at first I did look because well, her boobs are just that big and you just look. But now i find myself getting tingly at the site of them and have to turn my head away in embarrassment.

    I have had a few dreams now about her that have left me a mess both physically and mentally as I often cry after them because I had them. And the last week or so I can't stop thinking about her and having sex with her. This really upset me because I never ever considered that with a woman before.

    Then she started to sort of "hover" over me when we talked so I had to look up at her to see her face. Also, she likes to sort of back me into things without touching me. What I mean is, she will walk up to me very aggressively and I just naturally back up until I bump into a wall, couch sink, whatever. One time, she backed me up against the bed until my knees hit the bed and I fell on it on my back. I looked up and she had such a predatory lustful look on her face I knew I was in trouble. She put her legs on either side of mine and I thought for sure she was going to kneel down and straddle me on the bed. But at the last moment she stopped and helped me up saying how clumsy I was. I sort of wish she had done it right then and there and put me out of my current misery.

    She has taken to ordering me to do things instead of asking me recently and I willingly, even eagerly do these things for her. Little chores like wash the dishes or do the laundry. I feel so obligated to her and want to please her I don't even mind she no longer asks me but "tells" me to do it like I was her teenage daughter or something. Also, she now tlls me to rub her shoulders or feet. If it's her feet she will have me sit on the couch and then she places them on my lap and has me rub them for her. Usually she is in her robe and it's a constant battle for me not to look at her legs and higher. Wondering if she has any panties on or not. And sometimes she will wiggle them in my lap and well...... If it's her shoulders, I catch myself looking down her more than ample cleavage wondering what they would feel like. Recently, my hands have been going lower towards her breasts in the front and she encourages me by saying how wonderful it feels but I get scared and pull them back to her shoulders.

    I often wash the dishes for her and she likes to come up from behind me without touching me and rub my shoulders from behind. My body instantly reacts to that. Goose bumps, shivers and weak kneed and I don't want her to stop. Last night she took it further and is what made me finally decide to open up here. She came up so quietly and unexpectedly I never knew she was there until I smelled her very distinctive perfume just before her strong arms wrapped themselves around my tummy and pulled me into her body so tight her heavy breasts sort of bent my head forward exposing my neck. She bent over and sort of nuzzled into my neck with her lips and then whispered in my ear, "thank you for doing the dishes." She held and gently kissed my neck for like a minute then let me go and left to go out. After this I masturbated and came very quickly. Then cried myself to sleep and woke up this morning very agitated from desire and guilt.

    Heres the problem. Moving out is not an option and and though I wanted to when this started, I am starting to very much not to want to move out. Even if it means sleeping with her. My mind still is denying this but my body just melts for her when she touches me in any way. I mean literally, my mind is screaming "NO" as she touches me but it's like my body isn't listening or something. Part of this I am sure is do to me not being touched sexually for such a long time and having any attention payed to me is overwhelming.I am at a loss because do I want this? I fear that if she pushes the issue i will give into her then maybe regret it later? Or worse, love it. Or is that worse? God!!!!!!!

    She has other gf's too. When I do her laundry and see her bras then see other much smaller bras that are not mine it's obvious. But though I am a jealous person, with men any way, it dosn't seem to bother me with her that she has other lovers. Well, i am not her lover yet but you know what I mean.

    Any way, sorry for the length. Once I started it just kept coming out and I do feel a little better for it. Any advice is welcomed. This is all so new to me. I have hope and dread she will come to my door when she wakes up or has a chore for me to do for her. God, whats wrong with me? So confused.

    God the typos! I was shaking so bad writing this.
     
  2. MySillyUnicorn

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    You are still in a vulnerable position at the moment. You are still trying to move on from the abuse you went through. This woman has no right to be so intimidating towards you. A place to start would be to confront her about her behaviour, you deserve respect and you certainly should not be made to feel like a victim. Her behaviour can be considered a form of sexual harassment.

    It is more than natural for a woman to be aroused by the sight and touch of another woman. You can explore this attraction in your own time and at your own pace when you feel ready but the woman you describe sounds very unpleasant and dominating.

    There is one thing that must be made clear: You are under no obligation to perform any sexual acts without your full consent! If you feel uncomfortable, don't do it!

    Just remember, you are a strong, beautiful woman. There is no rush to work out your sexual orientation and one day, you will find somebody who loves and cares for you - anyone who treats you less than that, is not worth your time. I hope you get support you need. Best of luck x (*hug*)
     
  3. QuixoticSJ

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    First and foremost, I want to commend you on overcoming your shyness to post. I have an full blown anxiety disorder, so I know how terrifying things like that can be. Congratulations and well done!

    So I'll be brief. I was questioning for a long time, and while my outcome was not broadly gay or bi, to come to that conclusion, I had to pursue it. I believe that the consequences of living a life unfulfilled is a shame, especially when the risk might be some anxiety and awkwardness. Throughout my life I've discovered at times that I wasn't quite the person I thought I was, and accepting that and learning to share it with others wasn't easy, but I think about what my life might be like now if I tried to persist in pretending my 20 year old self was who. i. am. for the following 25 years. I probably wouldn't like who I was outwardly or inside at 45.

    I hope you find the answers you seek. Much luck to you.
     
  4. boki

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    Hi guys and thanks for the wonderful responses. :slight_smile:

    MySillyU, you are 100% correct as to what you said. Especially for the beginning part of what she was doing. In the beginning when I first moved in, all the things you said and mentioned was exactly how I felt. Except she is just intimidating to everyone. She walks in a room and she is a dominating presence without trying to be. So her behavior towards me isn't any different that way than any one else. One small thing I should mention. She has never ever been anything but good to me and feeling obligated is something I purely feel for myself. She has never once said anything like "do this or else." I have never really told her to stop what she was doing. More tolerated it in the beginning than told her to stop. It's more like she is making it VERY clear she wants me and maybe sometimes she is having a little bit of a hard time waiting for me. You know? My body responding to her the way it does dosn't help either.

    But thats part of the problem I am having. My body feels VERY comfortable and natural with what she is doing now. It's my mental hang ups that I am struggling with.

    Now, I find that I want what she seems to be offering more and more. I think. I mean I want to it's just I am worried afterwards and no way to tell what that will be like unless I take the plunge. So your reply definitely applies if we are talking about a few months ago. Now, that I have finally written about it, things have changed. I am more in a state of trying to accept that I want this and proceed than truly fighting it any more.

    QuixoticSJ, Thank you so much. :slight_smile: You made me smile knowing others find it hard sometimes to talk about things. Does talking on the net about your issues help with the anxiety disorder? Haha, yes, 20 year old me would be very surprised that 34 year old me was living with and being seduced by a dominant black woman and finding out I am enjoying it. I wonder if my past abuse is part of the reason I like her being aggressive and domineering like she is? My mother was very much the head of the household as well. Maybe I just enjoy strong women?
     
  5. LooseMoose

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    This is very a very good analysis of the situation - I see it very similarly.

    You might well have the capacity for attraction to women, you might as well be interested and attracted to this particular woman, *but* from what you have said, something about the whole situation does not sound right to me, and neither it does to you.

    You are vulnerable, and are used to having your boundaries disrespected- this is what this woman is doing as well. She has helped you- you owe her for her help, but on your terms, and there is no reason why you should accept another person violating your boundaries, just because she has been helpful to you on another occasion.


    Do you have any other friends who could help you while you are in this situation- could you talk with someone about it?

    You need to look out for yourself AND mistrust some parts of yourself as well- it might be that part of you genuinely wants to be with her- but part of you does (or did) not.

    You need to be suspicious of your motives for the change in your relationship to her- could it be that you became dependent? Could it be that part of you wants to be with her because it is easier- you are still vulnerable and it is easier to have somebody look after you, than taking responsibility for your own well being?

    Is there a way you could take distance from the situation?

    I am not saying that there is no chance for a genuine feeling/attraction between the 2 of you, but the circumstances make it look unsafe- difficult for you to give full consent to such a situation.

    To give full consent you'd have to be in a more secure situation emotionally.

    I'd suggest you have a conversation with a trusted friend and then with her and make your boundaries clear- that you don't feel comfortable with the whole thing, and that you are not in the right place emotionally to agree to anything & and that you feel that she is not respecting your boundaries. Don't let her tell you what is normal , and what not-YOU determine what is right for you.

    The fact that you *want* some of this has nothing to do with it- because part of you still does not want it and unless you want it 100% there is no full consent on your side.
    This needs to be respected, you need to respect it- dealing with developing same sex attractions is difficult and it needs time- you need time to come to grips with this. Don't let anyone push you into it.

    Go easy on yourself and take your time to rebuilt your confidence and your boundaries-this will not happen overnight. You are responsible for yourself and you need to learn to take care of yourself- an abusive relationship would have eroded this capacity in you- so you need to be suspicious of any desire on your side to just let another person be 'stronger' and look after you- you are perfectly capable of this yourself, its just that you did not exercise this capacity for a while, but you are capable of this and you'll manage it!

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  6. Manitoban

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    What everyone has said here rings true to me as well. Please be careful. In the best of situations confronting your sexual orientation can be stressful and confusing.

    I wish you all the luck out there and hopefully you can find some sort of support.
     
  7. boki

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    Ah, thank you guys so much for showing such concern for me. Someone you don't even know. You have gave me a lot to think about and maybe I should start by talking to my gf and finding out what is what. But thats why I came to this site in the first place to get advice. It's hard to do an about face now that I was deciding to maybe sleep with her and thats why I am a bit resistant about it but at the least I should talk to her about it. As I said, she is my best friend now and she does treat me very well in general.

    Unfortunately, I really don't have any one to talk to. My ex bf alienated me from all my friends and family a long time ago. The only friends I really had was at my other office but I wasn't close enough to any of them to talk to this about or ask for help. I will see about maybe talking to her as soon as possible and hope everything goes well with that.

    bye for now

    JD