Questioning girl seeks advice: body image, gender roles, how did they influence you?

I'm hoping to get advice from other young women (I'm 22) who identify as lesbian or bisexual. This is the first time I've admitted any of this to anyone, and I'm really hoping to put some feelers out there and get some real feedback. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds! I love this group hug emoji (&&&)

I've really struggled with my body image for pretty much my entire life, feeling fat ugly and unwanted. So when finally a guy that I had been friends with for a couple years that I viewed as conventionally attractive told me he liked me and then we started to date, I was like on top of the world. Definitely the high point in my life in terms of self-esteem as it related to my body.

But after being in a relationship with him for a little over a year and a half now and living together that feeling has gone away completely. Now I look at him and he seems so skinny and I'm just a huge whale. I can't get into sex positions he wants to do because I'm afraid I'll hurt him. It has really made me question myself.

Now that I have been thinking about it more, with the help of hindsight, there are some things about my past choices and my current feelings that really make me question whether I should be in sexual/romantic relationships with men at all.

1) I have never been sexually attracted to the "hot macho guy," the really masculine. My boyfriend is very skinny and more of a pretty boy type I'd say. Also in the same vein, I have never ever had a crush on or feelings for a man that I didn't already have an emotional connection to. (Three of my best friends)
2) I am coming to be really disgusted by masculinity and the performance of masculinity. I think my greater exposure to feminist ideas through college and just my own research made me realize that perhaps there was a reason why I picked a guy who is kind of girly and scrawny (?)
3) in high school I was a "I'm not like the other girls" girl, and said things like, "I don't like being friends with other girls, they're too much drama." I feel like that was just a way to distance myself from some repressed feelings maybe? I also feel like maybe I had some repressed feelings for my best friend, because I would get really jealous whenever she would get a boyfriend (or really just any other friend tho).
4) but I've never kissed a girl or felt sexual attraction to a girl before I don't think? I do admit to looking at girls that I just pass on the street and thinking, "they're so pretty," but usually it's framed as "they're so much prettier than me," and I can't tell if that is really sexual attraction in disguise, or if it's just jealousy and my self-hatred. Or what if I'm just so socially programmed to think that men are what I want, I just never let myself believe that I could like girls too?
5) and finally I guess my one big question revolves around this: lately I've been feeling so mismatched with my boyfriend. Like I'm very tall so I've always been kind of self conscious about being taller than most men and wishing that I was smaller and more feminine. And lately, although I admit to having dismissed the idea of me being a lesbian before, I've been thinking about being in a relationship with a woman and it feels so much more comfortable. Maybe I just went with the flow with my boyfriend because I liked being liked? But that takes away from the fact I think that he's the first boy I ever felt comfortable having sex with more than once and that when he told me he loved me for the first time I didn't feel repulsion or fear I thought, "oh god I love you too!" But again on the flip side with a woman I wouldn't have to worry about fitting those stupid gender roles all the time. We could just be in love, and I could take care of her because I love her not because of some weird programming I have in my head to take care of "my man." Like I could wear the platform sneakers I've always been too self conscious to wear (because then I would be taller than my boyfriend) and she could wear heels if she wanted and I'd still be the taller one probs but it would be ok and I would feel ok. Have any of you ever felt anything similar

I guess it got a little rambly in there but I am very confused and lost right now in my life, and thinking about this possibility has actually been one of the first things to make sense to me. But I also don't want to betray my boyfriend who has stuck by me through a lot of my mental illness and depression shit and who moved across the country to be with me.