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Anyone else never unsure?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by starlights, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. starlights

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    I don't know if I'm in the minority, but I see a lot of posts with people saying they're unsure if they're bisexual or gay, or confused, or worried that it might be some sort of phase and that they'll revert to straightness at some point.

    If I'm honest with myself, I've always known on some level since I was a teenager. At first it was easy to ignore or dismiss. Then came college, and the communal showers in our freshman dorm, and the first time ever that I had my own computer and the privacy to look up naughty stuff. Then there was the first time I masturbated while thinking about women, and the inevitable freak-out, followed by telling myself it was a one time thing, and then doing it again, and freaking out, and doing it again, and making up weird little justifications in my head that maybe I like to fantasize about girls, but I have a boyfriend, and we have sex, and blah blah blah I'm totally not bisexual or a lesbian, and srsly stop thinking about it, and OMG isn't that girl gorgeous, and "STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!" Oh, and that awkward moment sophomore year when my roommate's laptop was broken and she used mine and, well, fuck auto-complete. I'm embarrassed admitting it but whatever, guys look at porn all the time and we don't judge them for it.

    Then four years of college and my early 20s being miserable because I was brought up by ultra hardcore Catholic parents, and thinking I'm an abomination, I'm disgusting, I'm going to hell, my parents will disown me if they ever found out (still worried about that one), it's unnatural, and hey, maybe if I try really really hard I can get over this thing, so let's keep dating guys and I can rid myself of this gayness. That walk in the park was followed by a long stretch of no relationships, no sex, going to a therapist and finally accepting that this is the way I am, and I'm not disgusting or "wrong," I'm not going to hell, I'm just me. I shudder to think what might have happened if I picked the wrong therapist, and I'm incredibly grateful I found a good one. I've seen so many posts about people who start relationships only for the other person to go cold, have a freak out or push them away. That would've been me before I worked through my issues, and I didn't want to be THAT girl. I didn't want to potentially hurt someone I care about.

    I don't want to sugar coat it, it took a LONG time before I even started to get comfortable with myself. But I always knew. It wasn't like I was unsure, it was more like I knew for sure and I fought it tooth and nail for years. I always, always knew...it was ever present in the back of my mind, often times raging to the front to my dismay.

    I'm sorry to say it, but in this case religion was a total mindfuck. It still is. I'm not even angry at the faith, it's more like I'm hurt by the people in it who have chosen to be hateful.

    Well, I've written a book and it's probably TMI times 100, but I do wonder if there's anyone else like me, or if most people have a gradual self-awakening. And if you're like me, then you're not alone. :icon_wink

    PS - Sorry for the stream of consciousness rant. Literally in the middle of typing this my mom called me because she's rewatching Game of Thrones and she's confused.

    "Wait, so who is the king?"

    "Mom there's like 10 kings in the show."

    "The bald one. The old king's brother?"

    "That's Stannis."

    "And who's the guy with the red witch?"

    "Thats also Stannis."

    "Okay but didn't you say Jon Snow's parents are the dragon people? I'm going to text you, keep your phone on."

    "Okay mom, I have to go..." :eusa_doh:
     
  2. Jax12

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    I'm not completely certain of my orientation either. There's been many points where I'll stick with a label for a bit and then change it again because it doesn't feel right. The more I wanted to identify as gay, the more attention I payed to towards girls.

    I think on some level I've known that I was bisexual, but the signs weren't obvious because I basing the signs off of stereotypes. In retrospect, I've had attractions to girls, but also to guys (older guys specifically).

    What really scares me is that my attractions to girls is a stage of denial, because I do not want to marry a woman and 20 years down the road realize that it was a mistake and that I'm actually gay, THAT is my biggest fear for identifying as bisexual. This is one of the reasons that make me reject the bisexual label; giving myself hope where there is none.
     
  3. Kyro

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    I've always been confused, but less now then I have been. I still can't figure out whether i'm bisexual or a lesbian. Although I try not to dwell on it and try not to be to quick to label, I still question from time to time. I only can fall in love with girls, but I can only get off to guys, I don't know if i'm in denial of being a lesbian or i'm actually just like that. I've never actually had any intentions of actually getting with a man so I don't know if this is just my fantasies speaking. But the only way i'll get my answer is if I actually date and be with someone which I never have. You're not alone! :grin:
     
  4. perardua

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    Yeh I agree with you starlights. You write straight down to the point :slight_smile:

    For me I knew I had these 'unwanted feelings' towards girls. I had them from a very young age. This hardest part of having them is "deciding" what they meant, ie deep admiration, strong friendship feelings, me being inherently lonely (not being able to connect properly).

    Now more and more I'm deciding those 'feelings' were crushes. Needing to feel protective around girls or trying to impress them, I'm accepting as being normal for me. I guess the next struggle is, how do I make those 'feelings' feel normal for everyone...but that's just it- lol I can't be other people.

    Yeh I was raised in a Christian household too (in particular one that thought anything gay was unnatural). I was also raised in a conservative/quiet household- I really wanted to please my parents and stay out of trouble, I knew these thoughts were trouble from the get go, so I never talked about it, never thought they were important and believed them to be wrong (I challenged myself to push them down like you, thinking I would be a better person for it).

    Tis a total mindfuck to stop trying to uphold yourself to someone elses standards and rely on your own, especially after doing it for years. I'm a pretty proud person, so giving up at 'winning' the challenge I set myself (after believing in it wholeheartedly) was confusing/embarrassing (I'm a sore loser)- but also incredibly freeing and hopefully will turn out to be very rewarding...

    Cheers, thanks for writing :slight_smile:
     
    #4 perardua, Apr 18, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
  5. biAnnika

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    I was never unsure...never questioned my sexuality. Until age 16, I unquestioningly assumed I was straight. Then, one day I realized I was attracted to both males and females, and unquestioningly accepted that I was bisexual.

    And I have no reason to doubt it now, either...very attracted to men sexually and emotionally...been living with a woman for 28 years (getting close to 29) , with an active and enjoyable sex life. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

    But to be fair, unlike many posters here, I never felt any reason to want or need not to be bisexual, or not to have same-sex (or opposite-sex) attractions.
     
  6. Jax12

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    That's interesting, so you just one day found out that you liked guys and girls and left it that? Did you have a preference at any given time?

    I just wonder because for me my "attractions" fluctuate. I still think about sex with a woman but it doesn't necessarily give me an erection like it does for men, which to my understand is proof that I'm not actually attracted to women.
     
  7. EpicConfusion

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    Right here. I am constantly experiencing anxiety over my orientation despite the fact that outwardly I identify as gay and I know it internally. For some reason I can't stop stressing about it.
     
  8. starlights

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    Oh god. I was in one of those pensive moods when I wrote this and now I'm embarrassed because it makes me sound like a vapid, sex-obsessed dummy. :icon_sad: That's not it at all...I'm completely, totally sexually attracted to women, yes, but it's more than that. I crave an emotional connection, which I denied myself when I was working out my own issues. Now I feel like I can finally put myself out there. I need that emotional connection, a real relationship.

    Thanks for sympathizing Perardua, and for the comments, Annika, Epic, Jax and Kyro!
     
  9. Lyana

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    No, it doesn't make you sound like that, starlights. I find the thread very interesting, if that means anything, and I hope you found the replies as interesting.
    My personal experience was similar to biAnnika's. I can't say I "always knew," but I never questioned, either. I did go through a time where I unquestioningly believed I was straight. Then, really from one day to the next, I knew I couldn't say that anymore. And that was okay with me.