Okay, before you comment please read everything I've written below. I'm a 22 year old female. Throughout my entire life, I've only ever been attracted to men. I've crushed on men (hard) & I've fantasized about men quite a bit. These fantasies made me feel warm, fluffy, and happy on the inside. I never have actually dated anyone, though. I had a lot of social anxiety growing up and I was generally depressed as an adolescent. But despite never actually being in a relationship, I always felt that my attraction for men was there. Now, despite being very sure about my sexuality, I have had some lesbian fantasies. Many of them. That being said, I've also had some other fantasies (S&M, for example) about things that I don't believe I would actually want to do. So when these fantasies would happen, I kind of shook them off as something as bicurious. I know a lot of straight women who have had such fantasies, and I didn't think I was really an different. Well I had a thought 5 months ago: what if I'm gay? I thought: "Well, I've had lesbian fantasies, I've never actually dated a guy, so what's my sexuality?. I started looking at girls more closely and tried to see if I was attracted to them. That just gave me a pool of anxiety and made my stomach hurt. Sometimes I would have thoughts about being gay that would hit me randomly and it made me sick. I did some research on OCD regarding my sexuality and I found some people that were actually going through the same thing. I felt some relief. Now that I'm conscious of this, I tried to recognize what is fact and what is fiction. Well now, when I get these gay thoughts, I'm either straight up numb or I have a mental breakdown and try to see if I'm attracted to a girl. There are some moments where I feel great about my sexuality and I feel like truly am straight, and then on other days I feel like I'm gay and that I should come out of the closet (even though I've never been attracted to a girl?). I'm really upset and scared. So here's my question: Anyone from the LGBTQ community: Before you came out, did any of you guys experience these things? Are these signs of denial? I'm just trying to see if I have OCD (because I do have a history of OCD tendencies) or if I am indeed attracted to women and I need to accept this. Please don't make any snide or rude comments. I'm in a really bad place right now and I just want to go back to how things were before I thought I was gay. This is affecting my entire life.
As far as I know, I've never really suppressed my attractions, even though I was well aware of checking out male teachers and watching gay porn. I was most certainly confused, though. I tried explaining my thoughts/attractions because I needed to find a reason why I was attracted to older men and not guys my age, and why my attractions kept fluctuating back and forth. The more I thought about my orientation, the less progress I was making. What I've been doing recently is... nothing. I just let my attractions go where they want the best I can. If I want to watch gay porn, sure I'll watch it. If I see a girl in a bikini and she's got a nice ass, sure I'll watch it too. I've never went through a suppression stage, but I did however try to explain my attractions to guys thinking it was father issues. I think you're going through denial when you know deep down the truth, and yet you cannot accept it. The problem I had was not knowing anything and trying to draw conclusions from evidence that didn't fit the puzzle; there's too many missing pieces, as it were. EC is a great place for you to let us know how you're feeling! And rude comments are scarce here. You're part of a very accepting community that will accept you as you are.
Yup. That I definitely did do … Now I don't. I freaked the f*ck out big time. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me. BUT then I began to accept the fact that I was attracted to the same sex. (this is before I even knew what trans* was) So it may scare you a little… But honestly there is no shame in it. There's nothing wrong with what your feeling at all. Don't let these "Fantasies" bother you as they really aren't anything to be ashamed of. If the thought of being with a woman only intrigues you then I would say it is purely curiosity. HEY! Nothing wrong with a bit of experimentation
Thanks I think that I'm going through a huge bicurious stage, and I'm okay with it. I do think, just personality wise, I fit better with a guy (being straight) than with a girl. So I do think that this is just something that I'm obsessing over for no reason. I think everyone goes through a stage where they are curious and I don't think that it says anything about my sexuality...yet at least. If I actually fall for a girl someday, then maybe I am not 100% straight
