20 yr old female trying to figure out her life. This is me telling you a story about a girl I really like. The story is essentially a letter to her. The girl is a year older than me. I sort of have an attraction to older women. Anyway feel free to give me advice or whatever. First post so...yeah. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If only I could tell you how I feel about you. You bring me so much joy. You make me want to be a better woman. Just one smile from you brightens my day. I'm so scared to tell you how I feel about you. Scared of being rejected, accepted, and loved. But I feel like with you I could overcome all of these obstacles. But what would they if they knew about me?! Do they suspected? I've been asked before and completely denied it. I've even spoken negatively about it just to fit in and seem like a wholesome Christian girl. Who are we to judge people for who they love?! Who cares?! Mind your own business and let them live! Let me live! I think about you everyday. I even have very vivid dreams about you and me. Dreams of love, comfort, and happiness. God, why do I feel this way? Everyone tells me that it's wrong but please I want to hear it from you! I constantly pray for you to give me a sign. Please give me a sign! I just want to be free! To be me! I've only told one person about this. I hope they don't remember what I told them some odd years ago. But the point is you. Just you. The way the four letters of your name rolls off my tongue makes me go crazy. The way my lips curl just to say it... wheeww! OMG! I remember the first time I saw you and the first time I met you. I first saw you was when you were running for Miss Junior during my freshman year. It was as if they rolled that red carpet out just for you. Your beautiful brown skin glowed so bright, in that dark room. It was like only you and I existed in that room. I sat on the end of the aisle next of to the carpet so you wouldn't have noticed me when you walked past me. My friends saw me glaring (practically drooling) at you and laughed at me. I played it off but I knew how I felt when I saw you. The first time I met you was when you and your sorors hosted a trip to Walmart. I got to ride in your nice little red car. I sat in the backseat behind you. I was so nervous but I was happy that you gave me your phone number. (Sort of.) I love that you are a part of (blank) because I want to be a part of it too. I sometimes I imagine you and me holding up the Greek sign and kissing at the same time. After the trip I obsessed over you. I still do. I never saw you on campus so I would sort of stalk your FB and IG pages. I hated doing that but I was too scared to confront you about how I had been feeling. I've been crushing over you so hard, it makes me think I might be insane and that I'm just making :shit: up in my head. I feel like you sometimes send me signals like the time when only you and me were in the computer lab and you kept glancing over at me or when we met for the second time. Call me crazy but I think you've who I was from the moment you stopped at my table in the caf when you told me about the mixer you were hosting. When you came up to me when I was sitting on the steps at the mixer. My heart was racing so fast. You have no idea how hard it was for me to stay cool and not lose my words. You asked me how I was doing and who I was. I told you and then you left but you kept looking at me and giving me short smiles during the entire mixer. I was happy you talked to me but I was also disappointed at the same time. I wanted to talk to you more but instead I had to settle for some small talk with you. After that day I purposefully looked for ways to bump into you. Then it finally happened a couple days later. I was very interested in volunteering for the organization you told me about at the mixer so I used this as my segue to try to talk to you. After class one day I went to the lab hoping to run into you but you were in a meeting with your advisor down the hall. You talked with your advisor for a while. I could hear you laughing in their office as I waited for you in the lab. I laughed too. I finally realized I needed to go do some work. As I was coming out of the lab, you were coming out of the restroom. I was on my phone when you said hi. I almost freaked out. I tried to play it off by pretending I was doing something important on my phone. (I hope you don't think that I was blowing you off. When I have a crush on someone I get really weird so please don't take that to heart.) I remembered I wanted to talk to you about the volunteering opportunity and you gave me some info which was great. After you gave me the info I walked down the other side of the hallway. You then rushed out of the lab and called my name. You asked me if I was interested in participating in a walk the organization was host the coming weekend. I said yes. You proceeded to tell me that you couldn't attend but you were willing to give me your $15 ticket. I was a bit sad when you told me you couldn't go. I would've paid $20 just to walk with you but you were nice enough to give me yours without hesitation. I admired your selflessness and your care for others. You told me that should anything change you would text or call me. Here's where I believe you showed some interest in me. You told me that you knew you already had my number before I offered to give it to you which told me that you knew exactly who I was because I never gave you my number during the Walmart trip (or so I think). This sent many flags off in my head. This made me so confused. My thoughts were everywhere after that! I wondered 'is she keeping track of me because she suspects that I want to be a part of (blank),' 'does she really have an interest in me,' 'does she just want to be friends,' or 'is this just her being kind and remembering me from the Walmart trip?' The next day you texted me informing me that the walk had been canceled. I was sad because 1) I wouldn't have a chance of seeing you, and 2) I really did want to participate in the walk. I thanked you for the heads up and proceeded to attempted to carry a conversation with you. (That day I looked sexy! I received so many compliments and questions. The first question people would ask is 'who are you dressed up for?' Of course I told them I did it just for me and because I felt like it. But that was a lie. I did it for you hoping that my change in appearance would spark a conversation between the two of us. But I didn't see you that day.) I asked you about your majors and things you planned to do after school. All those things I already knew about you from my own research. You even offered me some guidance which was actually pretty helpful. I had been waiting for someone to give me some advice on the topic and I was glad it came from you. But what sucks the most is that you are leaving in less that two weeks and I still have two more years. I was hoping that you would be staying to work on your masters at our school. That way I could still see that pretty face of yours. I plan to attend your graduation and see you proudly walk across that stage and receive your degrees which I know you worked for tirelessly. (Job well done, babe! I'm proud of you!) But once graduation comes it then goes and that means I won't get to see you at all. This makes me depressed and puts me in a complicated situation. It just makes me want to tell you everything about how I have been feeling because I don't have anything to lose. (Ok maybe I do. Like my pride and confidence not to mention I'd be coming out of the closet!) I just want you to love me for me; for who and all that I am. I want to be able to lay next to you, to kiss you, to hold you, to touch you, to embrace you, to feel your heart beat, to take in your scent. I want to LOVE you! Hell I don't even know how you feel about me or if you even know anything about me besides the basic facts you can find on social media. Is this love or lust? I don't know but I think I love you.
