Hi everyone. I have been struggling with "Am I gay" I'm gay" thoughts for a while now and I have a lot of anxiety. At a certain point I started having dreams about being gay, being in relationships with girls. and being completely calm and accepting. This led me to start feeling like, oh ok, maybe I am.. and when I accepted I felt calm and ok, but soon I'd be thinking about my hopes/dreams of having a typical family, my history of sexual and romantic attraction to guys etc and I'd be confused again... the daydreams of guys always made me way happier and calmer but I cant think of these things any more without feeling like I'm forcing it. At a certain point my worries started to ease off, the dreams kinda stopped and instead I had this sense in them that I was bi and it didn't really matter anyway and I didn't really want to go out with a girl, I saw how I'd created a problem out of nothing! But then I got triggered again and now I can't sleep at all without sleeping pills Because as I drift off and get into that sleepy stage where my brain just thinks of anything, there's loads of imagery of all sorts of course but every single image of a girl or something that could be construed as gay is like an alert for my mind to wake back up and panic. Also since I obsess over this, there's a lot of gay thoughts swirling round anyway. I just had such a nice calm lie down and very very nearly dropped off without pills but as I nearly fell asleep I felt this sudden feeling of acceptance that I'm gay and then I woke up again. I feel like subconsciously I *know* I am and if I let go of the anxiety I will have to accept. For whatever reason, it feels right, but not good. But then again, does it feel right? theres a voice saying "you know youre gay." and If i ask myself "deep down am I really gay?" the answer comes back as yes. But I don't fully trust this voice... it just doesn't make total sense or make me happy...it seems mean. I also don't know if I trust the dream feelings because dreams are dreams but the thoughts that come afterward completely blow them out of proportion. It's like, if I dreamed I was a tiger and the next day I took it completely serious and thought.. omg maybe I'm a tiger in a persons body? HOW CAN I ACCEPT THIS? and start googling everything to do with it... I know I'm attracted to girls but once upon a time that was just an accepted thing, that I could enjoy but had no interest in taking past fantasy... I still have no interest in it I just want the turmoil to stop. I couldn't even get involved with anyone right now, it would be so anxiety driven. I've just started counselling which I think is going to help. The sleep thing is driving me mad though, I can't relax because I'm so scared deep down I know I'm gay. My question to everyone is... does having gay relationship dreams and feelings of acceptance during your dreams happen to gay people if you're still in denial in waking life? Some of them were really detailed and had me trying to get with girls and being rejected...some of them were like "oh now I can cut my hair cos i dont need to worry about boys liking me any more" lol... some of them were just sexual.. but some were more romantic. I've not heard of HOCD people experiencing this... I guess my biggest fear, over being gay, is that I will stay in limbo, not accepting and not being able to be with anyone.. it sucks. Please any advice <3 <3
HOCD is a controversial diagnosis. My advise is to try and remember that sex is fun, and just try to enjoy your sexuality.
yeah I feel like i've filled my head with worries and stories of people with HOCD and with people who realise theyre gay. my experiences are all wrapped up in fears and other people's stories... :/
HOCD isn't a recognized disorder in the DSM, however OCD is. Anyone can experience OCD like symptoms but not have OCD either. It would be better to be properly diagnosed by a therapist. Throughout your questioning process, try to be as open minded as possible, and let your attractions go where they want, because that's just a part of who you are.
i'm finding it so hard not to be fearful though... and i feel very CLOSE minded because being gay seems so scary to me.. I get attracted to girls more now but it makes me feel crazy because I'm also so anxious i worry i'm "turning" myself gay. aahah . when i allow myself to explore with gay media and stuff I relax because i realise its not scary... and that I dont fully identify with lesbians. I'm reading stories of others experiences of coming out and it seems they say it "felt" right... and that a lot of them knew or saw the signs... I dont know.. some things I can pick up on... but it doesnt feel right to me... I was a tomboy and always felt different to other girls.. i remember wondering if i had a crush on my girlfriend when i was about 15 but I reasoned I just really loved her as a friend, i never felt anything sexual for her i remember asking my mum if you had to have sex to be a lesbian.. when i was like... 7 or something... cos i wanted to live with my best friend. I knew all about lesbians because we had sex ed books that i was interested in... and my mum is accepting of everyone and I don't think i'd of felt like i couldn't be gay.. I do remember feeling "relief" that i wasn't around adolescence.. i thought "i'm already weird enough without having to deal with that." My crushes and sexual fantasies were then all tailored around men.. I once flirted with a girl but was a bit too freaked out to take it further. Always knew I could enjoy being with a girl but liked boys more... now i wonder if it's changing.. I really loved my experiences with guys. Felt right being their girlfriend, and would still choose having sex with my ex over any one else girl or boy in the world. Would want to be married and have babies with a man.. hmf I wish I could just know..
Hi again. I'm feeling really sad. I can sleep again but all my dreams are around this issue. Last night I dreamed that I was trying to seduce a guy and was playing the part, he was good looking and in a band, but my head kept getting turned by girls and I kept thinking that actually ive got more interest in girls Naturally. To focus on my attraction for the guy was a bit of effort. I feel like every night my sunconcious unravels what I've been doing my whole life whch is kind of make myself go for guys because conciously I wasn't aware of how I felt. Not that I didnt enjoy it... I find them attractive and love their companionship and even sex is amazing. But the attraction to girls seems more intense, more real and more SCARY. I accept how I feel. Just wanted to write this down I guess. My ex is still in love with me and all I want to do is see him and talk to Him and get that comfort from him but I've hurt him so bad with my yo yoing feelings that I feel too guilty to use him in that way even though I know he'll be supportive if he knew this was getting so real to me. It's just that I know he would start to get over me if I was 100% honest and im terrified to be on my own right now. Also my entire life ive wanted a husband, babies, family situation which is what he is offering me. I feel so sad that I really feel like that is slipping away from me now because of what seems to be my preference. I guess I'm thinking too long term about this but I'm trying not to fight my feelings and I feel really down about these realisations and what they could mean. Need hugs. Ha.
Hi, Based on what you're describing, I don't hear anything that sounds like OCD (and as other posters have said, HOCD, as a standalone diagnosis, does not exist.) What is more likely, I think, is that you are going through the process nearly everyone goes through as they are processing the "loss" of their straight identity. Processing loss happens in stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), and can take anywhere from hours to months. Paralyzing anxiety, anger, difficulty sleeping are all a normal part of that process. Neither I nor anyone else can tell you whether or not you're gay... that's for you to figure out. It does sound like there are indicators that's the case, but nobody other than you can say for sure. What I do think is pretty clear is that whatever is going on, it does not sound like OCD. I hope that helps.
Thank you for your reply. I have accepted now that it's not in my mind. I know it's not OCD anymore that was just a straw to clutch to haha. Well this sucks but at least I can wallow in how much it sucks and not just be paralysed with anxiety any more. Sad is better than scared. I hope I end up bi but I doubt it cos I think there'd be way less fear and anger and sadness.
