A lot has happened, taking big steps, nervous

First off, not sure if this is the best section to place this thread in, I fit it could fit in two different sections but decided on this one. Hope it's okay.
Okay, so I haven't posted here in a while. This post most likely will be long, because I feel like a lot has happened and I just kind of feel the need to rant and let it out. But if anyone is willing to read it all the way through, I would so much appreciate it. If you're even just willing to skim, I bolded the important bits to grasp a basic understanding of the situation. Thanks in advance for reading.

I am 20 years old. I have always only dated men. I have always had long-term relationships, never wanted to "go all the way" in terms of the physical part. My most recent relationship lasted 3 years and 9 months, and I did more with him physically than I was willing to with any other guy by far (everything except actual penetration, which I'm still scared of). Me and this guy were good friends before dating, and then unbelievably close in our relationship. I don't if know I've ever felt so close to someone before, or connected so much emotionally. We very rarely fought, we had a lot of common morals and opinions, but enough differences to keep things interesting, and we always respected what the other believed. Our relationship was truly great.

However, one month ago I broke up with him, because I think I may be a lesbian. I grew up believing I was straight, mostly due to simply never even hearing the word "gay" or knowing what it meant. I didn't know people COULD like the same sex, so I assumed I didn't. Looking back, I can see a difference in how I felt about certain friends, where it was definitely more of a crush. In high school, I heard about bisexuality, and though it freaked me out, I eventually began to accept I liked girls, so I must be bisexual. I never considered more, because I was pretty much ALWAYS dating a guy (i was rarely single).

It was a little over a year and a half ago when I started thinking I may be gay. Part of it stemmed from me feeling bad that I didn't want to have sex with my boyfriend, and wondering why. Which was silly, because he never pressured me and the fact of the matter is I know no one should feel bad for not wanting sex. But, it did lead to a lot of discoveries. Like the fact that I never checked out guys. Ever. I checked out girls on the regular. I knew what I found attractive in girls and was turned on by the thought of being with them. When trying to think of what an attractive guy would be like for me, I'd come up with a blank. Male features really just do not interest me at all. I thought of my boyfriend, and realized that I'd never look at him and necessarily appreciate his looks, or think he looks hot, or have any sort of reaction based on his physical appearance alone.
However, we had a very strong emotional connection. And this did make me interested on a physical level, but it wasn't particularly strong. I feel like my sex drive with him was not as active as it would be if I were with a girl, but I wasn't completely disinterested. It was more emotion/situation-based than physical/attraction based, though, when I wanted to be physical. And I wanted to be physical much less often than he did. (Though he was always a gentleman about this and treated me right.)

After two months or so of feeling depressed about this, I brought it up to him honestly. We talked it through, tried to figure out what we could/should do. He had given me permission to fool around with girls to try and figure myself out (and I had a good opportunity to do so coming up) and it seemed okay, but I ended up feeling guilty even thinking about it. I called him and said I couldn't, I didn't want to do something with someone that wasn't him because it didn't feel right. I took this to mean I was in love with him, wanted to be with him, and we could make it work. I tried not to think about it for a while.
Several months later, it came back up, driving me crazy again. I tried to break up with him because I thought it wasn't fair going back and forth like this, though it was killing me to do so. We both had a sobbing emotional sort of talked, settled on not talking and going on a break for a set amount of time, where I could do whatever. I wasn't moved on and didn't have opportunity to do things with girls anyway, so nothing happened. I missed talking to him, hated not having him around. We ended the break and got back together, decided even if I was technically gay, our emotional connection was strong enough that we could make this work. We loved and cared about each other, and maybe he was an exception. I mean, i fell in love before I knew I was gay. The situation was complicated.

This was our state up until recently. And we were great, truly. But eventually, of course, the thoughts of being gay started coming back. I also had a situation while drinking where me and a female friend, who is bi (and had a crush on me for a while) flirted a LOT. A couple times. I convinced myself I wasn't flirting, but once time we were clearly all over each other (not actually DOinG anything, just the way we talked, couldn't stop touch each other in ways like holding hands, sitting on each others laps, hands on thighs, face caressing, etc.) I'm pretty affectionate while drunk, so thought nothing of it until we almost kissed and I stopped it, because I was in a relationship of course. I avoided drinking with that group of friends for a while, but I still felt guilty. I told him about it, he took it well. I stopped it from progressing, and chose on my own to not drink with her again, so we were good.
But this situation left me wondering so much. I had never really been with a girl. I had kissed some girls before fooling around back when I thought I was straight, and even as jokes and such when I realized I was at least bi. But nothing serious- no making out, and nothing past he kissing. I wondered what it would feel like being with a girl. Would it feel weird? The same as with my boyfriend? Better? Would sparks fly and fireworks go off and the whole world feel aligned, or will it seem like what I've already experienced? I couldn't push down my feelings and wondering for girls, my fear i may be a lesbian. I was scared to be that girl who convinced herself of something, and married a guy, God forbid had kids, and then realized I was totally gay and couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to ever hurt my boyfriend, or lead him on. And I came to the conclusion I probably would never stop wondering and it would just bother me more and more over time until I knew. So I broke up with him, and explained this.

The breakup has been hard, a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Since I did the breaking up and he knew why, I told him it was all up to him when he wanted to try talking again. (Because we had to still be friends, we care about each other too much to just drop out of each other's lives.) I expected to not hear from him for a while, so was shocked when within a week he had messaged me. At first it had been awkward, rare, short conversations. Not sure what we could/should say. Now, though, we are talking regularly. Every day, about just about anything. He admitted he doesn't know that he can move on until he knows for sure where i stand with my orientation. He needs to know there is no chance we could work. I can't bring myself to tell him that, because in reality I don't know for sure, and in all honesty I hope at the end of figuring myself out, I hope I feel I'm in a place where I can confidently get back together with him. I don't say all this, though, I just say a more neutral statement, such as "I don't know how long figuring myself out will take. It won't be a quick thing." Because that's probably true, and it hints he probably should move on and do what makes him happy, but isn't me telling him it's impossible.


Anyway, I am now in a frustrating place in my life. I am single, probably gay, wondering if i'm just bi with a strong preference or if this guy could be my exception. Is that even a thing? I have no idea how to begin figuring myself out, and I'm talking to my ex regularly because he wants to and I miss him and don't have the emotional/mental strength to deal with this alone. I'm going to be seeing him in person this weekend, because I'm in a musical that is opening this weekend and he decided he still wants to come and talk afterwards. It's got me feeling nervous, stressed, and paranoid and over-thinking everything because I feel like I don't know what I've done or am doing or what I need right now. I feel scared. I guess that's what has me deciding to finally post about this.

Also, in being single, I have begun to wonder if I could be some kind of situational bisexual? Like, I strongly prefer women, but could potentially be turned on by a man depending on our emotional connection or the situation it's in? It's possible I'm just trying to convince myself because I still want to be with him, but I do wonder how if I am gay, how I could have not known in middle school and stuff. I had crushes on guys, I called guys hot. I don't remember how I really felt, though. I mean, all the guys I was into were the stereotypical hot guys, the one's EVERYONE liked and talked about. Did I just convince myself I was into them too? Was it pushed on me? People say sexuality is fluid- is it possible I liked guys and now I don't? could I again? I really don't know, and I hate not knowing.

I guess I just generally want support, or opinions on my situation. If you think I did the right thing, or where you think I should go from here. Or what you think about my sexuality. I just feel like I don't know where to go with myself, and I hate that it can't just feel simple. I do think I for sure was (and am) in love with him, but I also know we can't date again unless I feel sure about my sexuality and that it won't be a problem again. And I don't know if that will happen, considering how I feel about girls in comparison to guys. I just feel unsure about everything.